KinaYume : Personal feelings and thoughts about the world~
Used to be japanese And Korean Music And JK Entertainment! But now have turned into My Personal Blog..
WARNING! THIS BLOG CONTAIN A TRIGGER OF DEPRESSION OR SUICIDAL!! 18+

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Friday, January 29, 2021

Lastly

To keep on living in this futile life is stupid.
The reason i kill myself is i'm too lazy to live.
This form of life that God created, I don't give a fuck nor care. This life that human supposed to fight in living and the after life. I dont particularly care. I don't care about anything at all. Hell or heaven. Everything that was created by God, it's all being created by God. God create everything He created for the purpose of Himself. And I'm not interested in this "God's creation". Also not bcos i'm lack of faith or anarchy. I dont care what God created and what He wanted to achieve. It's none of my business. But He created me. So, I should do what slaves are should do. If only i'm a timid slaves, I'd pray everyday, do whatever 'religious human' would do. It's not like I sell my soul to satan that I'm so lazy to do those deed. Satan are lower than human. I'm not stupid enough to be impotent than that. U see, This life are not worth living if the life are not even wanna seek life in it. Human jealous of anything and that's a great thing bcos that makes them human. To achieve what they want in life and after life. What about me? I seek nothing. I jealous nothing. My life aren't worth anything. I'm not trying to be those stupidity thoughts of the negativity. I'm saying this is what I feel with a wise mind judgement. No matter how long I live, how strong I've been, how deep wisdom I've learned, how humanity I've experienced, as long as we live, us human will never stop having questions. It's unlimited. That's what life is. Until u die. Everything are planned by God, so it's futile what humans do bcos there's boundary. The hierarchy are very different. And in that terms, I seek my existence futile. Everyday, since born. Since even before existed. I choose to be the opposite. I myself choose. By God's law to be created. I choose to end my life. Everything will sounds illogical and nonsense as if i've lost my mind. And again, I dont fucking care to explain anything, to prove anything. Hehe for what? For brainless human that think complicated things should be ignored? Waste of my time n effort to even care about human like that. This life that God created is suspicious. Beyond human's thinking, beyond what wrote in Quran. Beyond God Itself. Yet I dare not to get involve. I just want to end this life. So I wont be involve more deeper in God's creation. I'd rather stayed in hell than those 'beautiful' heaven that God created. I am created to be suffer in anguish and despair. Without it I see no purpose of my existence. I am nothing without deep despair. And that is my nonsense believer. I've lost too far, I will lost farther if I live. Let me die. I will kill myself. I have to. If I live, I will forever be an empty soul. All I ever wanted to is to be free. Not free from pain or hell. But free from being existed by God's creation. Such a futile wish. 

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

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Free Muslims from Concentration Camps in China

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Aid Muslims in Kashmir

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Save Yemen

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Thursday, April 09, 2020

I dont know which one msg is my last goodbye.

From now on, i wont be scared.
I wont be scared to God.
I'll kill myself. I'm aware of that now.
This world are the one who's keep pressuring me to heal n find 'happiness'.
In the 1st place i was fine. Even if i'm depressed. I was fine. I mean it. Not the fake fine. But bcos people starting to care n think i should get fixed, find solution n get help. Haha.
That's what putting me under this extreme pressure.
I see. I was fine.. Till now. I was happy despite depression n self hatred. But people find it's wrong n not normal.
Well, i'm going to kill myself then.
At least the reason is not bcos i wanna die bcos of my mental illness problem, my family nor myself. But bcos of people who care bout me but leads me into the 'right path' but wrong way for me. Those people are not included, my sis n yana. Others are. Especially my psychiatric doctor n therapy doctor. All those doctors who judged me since my 1st time went to HKL for suture my wrist cut. Every one of them. I see. 
There is nothing wrong with me.
As long as there's God, family n friends, despite all the hardship n attempts. I was fine. I can handle such pressure. That's why I'm still alive until now. 
But now, I'll never be fine anymore.
Goodbye.
Rock On