I dont know which one msg is my last goodbye.

From now on, i wont be scared.

I wont be scared to God.

I'll kill myself. I'm aware of that now.

This world are the one who's keep pressuring me to heal n find 'happiness'.

In the 1st place i was fine. Even if i'm depressed. I was fine. I mean it. Not the fake fine. But bcos people starting to care n think i should get fixed, find solution n get help. Haha.

That's what putting me under this extreme pressure.

I see. I was fine.. Till now. I was happy despite depression n self hatred. But people find it's wrong n not normal.

Well, i'm going to kill myself then.

At least the reason is not bcos i wanna die bcos of my mental illness problem, my family nor myself. But bcos of people who care bout me but leads me into the 'right path' but wrong way for me. Those people are not included, my sis n yana. Others are. Especially my psychiatric doctor n therapy doctor. All those doctors who judged me since my 1st time went to HKL for suture my wrist cut. Every one of them. I see. 

There is nothing wrong with me.

As long as there's God, family n friends, despite all the hardship n attempts. I was fine. I can handle such pressure. That's why I'm still alive until now. 

But now, I'll never be fine anymore.

Goodbye.

Doctors i met in my life

I dont understand doctors

I selfharm

They judge me n offer therapy

I met psychiatric n therapy doc

Psychiatric keeps judging n treat me with medicine

Therapy dr keep asking same question n evaluate me by my responde answer

Both is nothing but a toxic, they hurt me. Their judgement to find a solution seems dull.

In the end, i always change doctor.

Now, i thought i found a connection with this doctor.

But after i skip 6 month of therapy n seems to offended her.

She judged me n said, why am i coming back?

I dont understand

She said, why i wanna improve my mental illness when i still like to self sabotage?

I dont understand

I already told her, if i can get improve, i'll try to get improve. Why does she think i have normal brain? I was very shocked, offended, clueless,overthinking..

I understand, if u wanna improve 1st thing is to avoid self toxic..

By why she's expecting so much from me as if i'm normal?

My brain works like that. There's a lots of effort in surviving in a day.. n sometimes i fall.. and she gotta said i have to avoid it? Using therapy methods? If it's was so easy, i wont even have a fucking depression. I wont be seeing a therapy. I'm getting fed up with this 'right methods' to do.. If it's arent right for or makes me improve, then it aint right for me. 

I understand the right way is the good for me. It works for other people. But not me. I myself decide my actions. Not therapy methods. I have rebellious actions, i dont like being told to do this n that. But then again, what do u expect from therapy right? But then again. That's the doctor problem. To help me figure out the solution together, what works for me, what not. So, bij, why are u being toxic so suddenly. It turns me off to open up to u. In the end, all doctor are just doing their jobs. And that kind of behavior makes me created a new persona specially for a bij like u. That's all i can say now. Now, i went to therapy. I'll see as a school. Something to learn. Not someting to make breathing in living.. Just a school life. If u know me, I HATE SCHOOL. Reminded the past me. The doll me. And i'll turn into that doll. To satisfy surrounding. Suffocating n living my life. Where people think it's good for me haha.. in future it will only damaged me more. 

That's why i dont understand. 

I dont even understand myself

And doctor is just making me confusing bout myself more..

Just like school, 'good for u'. Look at me now.

Therapy is 'good for me'. Look at me in future.

In the end. Pain is the greatest lessons. 

I see. I see. I see.

I'm getting worse, i dont think i can be a doll but i'll try my best! And proceed my last attempt suicide plan💪