Don't read this. (lol)

 The feelings i have feel now.. I keep thinking that i always trying to give a hint to people that i have mental problem.. Well the problem is they will choose to ignore it and live like nothing happened or live and knowing my mental health yet nothing can be changed.. So i was wondering.. People like us can never be saved. I have made a decision about that kind of thinking since i watched a movie tittle "SPLIT" about 24 personality. Yes, that movie made me cry hard.. it's painful.. People with mental illness like me can never be cured. We will never know what is happiness nor peaceful.. Everyday our mind can trick us. What we can do is just pretending nothing happened.. Yet i'm very bad at controlling myself now.. Feeling suicidal everyday is not a joke,, U decided what is your next move. To change your life and never give up or live it and feel trapped and suffered alone..

 You know what, i've just finished my semester 3 and now having semester break for 2 months.. HAHAHAHAHAHA i've already lose my mind on 2 days before entering this month break.. Now is like 2 april which i've already lose my mind... Still have sanity cuz i'm in a self recovery. That's good. If you suffered and truly want to stop this.. You can stopped it if u made a choice.. A serious change to change your life.. But well.. You need to figured out ur way to surpassed this fucking pain you've suffered.. Well for me, i seek many people's advice.. I friend with many mental health.. which is a burdened me cuz yeah they're my friends of course  if they are suffering i'd get worried cuz we know how painful it is... Also i'm looking many people's matured and opened mind.. See their point of view,etc... Try changing things and make a decision take me a lot of time,tears,blood(self harm), fight,etc and especially pain..well literally u need to make a big sacrifice to make the whole change... Oh fuck... Now, i'm listening,watching MEJIBRAY live.. MEJIBRAY LIVE DUDE! The part where the singer is now breaking.. where now his mind are so distorted now.. But then all of the suffering the next inspiring music started to played called 'Nanaki' where the songs are magnificent where it means u can feel the pain and you can surpassed it.. Here's the lyric NANAKI. He's a fucking talented human.. His name is Tsuzuku.. Our life path are different yet i can feel him inside me.. He's like me, i'm like him. To me, we are similar.. We all are similar.. Trying our best to survive this world and live to the fullest.. Isn't that same with the normal people? Well no. It's totally different.. Even though we think like that.. We in reality actually didn't survived.. Like i said, we will only pretending we are ok to fits in our surrounding,, this world.. We cannot be saved. Once we entered this 'mental illness' it will last forever.. But some people do survived and recovers.. I guess they're strong and that's good but not all of us are that strong.. We ourselves pretended to be strong. bcos that's the only way we can do or just rest which is when we are already tired of faking ourselves happy,etc and live like a doll.. But never quit. You know life are meaningful and worth it. So live. Pain isn't forever.. Well that's some of us believing.. for me, who's actually want to die. i mean, not bcos of illness i want to die. i just want to die. lol complicated me again. i;ll try to explain in other way.. hmmm.. The me now and the real me are... that,, well the me now are what people see now. a normal girl,laugh,mad,playing,depressed,etc.. well the real me, i actually want this 'despair' feelings.. I want to die. I do want to die not bcos i want to stop myself from getting hurt,etc... it's bcos i wanted. Yup.. I'm not human much in my head. i don't even know how to live properly. But well you see, what my surrounding have made me now is happened already and i cannot just let it go.. It already stab my heart of course it wont be look as it used to look.. That's why i'm so messed up now~~ wiwiwiwiiwiwiwiwiwiwi~ 

 Ok.. lately, i feel so scared. my 'heartless' heart arent like that anymore.. bcos i havent self harm.. or making myself bleed..all i do is just punching wall or anything to vent anger.. but yeah not as bad as self harm and cut my wrist for 60+ cuts a day.. I'd suffered anemia for losing blood and it's a pain in butt.. i've used to this and used to keep everything in secret. But if i truly die by accident or volunteer~ welp of course i want someone to know my feelings lol.. i'm not important existence in here.. yet i try everything i could to make people look at me.. not bcos of i'm seek of attention it's simply just because people are so ignorant that even my family don't know what's have happened in my life.. i've been through too much pain.. that i've become heartless.. I can be fucking heartless without have any humanity nor care about sins or hell.. But i wont do cruel things cuz i have religion. I'm not a strong believer i mean i do believe my God but i didn't do much good deeds.. more like i always disobeyed him many times.. repeated sins i've done.. yup, that's me.. We a muslim do have strong believes in religion.. But we are not born straight to be perfect muslims... WE ARE JUST A HUMAN that do sins again and again until learned our lessons.. Urgh enough with the religion.. i know it's a big issues... that people are too scared and believed media blindly and blame muslims for suicide boms.. urgh.. They have brain right? the should so some research first rather than make a decision on what they want to believe blinly without proof. hmmm.. whatever.. i mean, no point on thinking like this forever. if that's what islamphobic wanted to believe, why we muslim bother to change their opinion. we knew it wasnt us do it.. it's their own stupid mind decision.. there's nothing we can do. But just imagine, i heard anti muslim wanted to kill or dispose all muslim. ok i get that.. u want peace right? That's what u think. Ok, in my opinion.. Ok u kill all muslims and disposed all of them. Ok~ Do u fucking think there is no fucking war after that? Dude.. Think far away.. open ur mind.. Imagine there's no muslim and there's buddhist or christain nor any religion. Do u think there would be no war? Who knows what will happen in future.. Might be happen war between Christian Vs Buddhist.. since yeah that's the most greatest religion now cuz there's no Islam right.. So yeah.. My point is.. As long as people who's blinded by the lust of the world..They want to have power and rule the world or some rich people want everything.. The 'war' will never stop. If u wanted peace.. do u think by killing all people from this world can solve this? We as a citizen.. yes we aren't a fault.. all the dirty work do are government.. Every country including urs or mine.. we are same.. yet by that it's the only way to save their city.. their do dirty work to save their world and blind by it with greed.. We are all human after all.. i dont blame anyone.. i just want everyone to understand deep.. seriously.. learn.. not accept blindly.. Media are showing u what need to show (entertainment) to hind the truth.. Ok.. idk if anyone understand this..haha.. since i'm bad in confessing my own opinion.. i'm the type that can understand difficult things.. or people's heart.. but i'm bad at giving advice..using good words,advice,etc.. i would just convey from heart to heart and my best to help people.. If u think there's no one for u in this life.. find me.. I may be useless to help you.. don't expect me to solve ur life since it should you who should solve ur life.. But i can learn my ears.. Find Me (email)
 Gosh.. i'm mumbling.. but yeah no one read this so~ huhuhu..

Kina's suicide notes

If i die accidentally or voluntary... u should be happy for me cuz i wont suffering anymore.. i dont care how my future will be.. i've never want to have a thought about building up my future.. i die not bcos of painful life caused by family nor friends or world... i simply just want to die.. there was a moment where all my experienced in life have build up in me... which is.. i cannot accepted myself to live as a human anymore. I dont wanna live.. live are so precious yet it's so meaningful that i dont want to live... i do not want to learn or accept the beautiful of our existence.. The beautiful of life,pain and forgiveness... I don't want to live to where i will have to experience all of that just for living and finding happiness purpose.. i'm not a normal person.. and i was never be since i was born... and many things have happened and taught me to be who i am now.. and this suicidal feelings is from who i am now... this is the real me. Me. Not the past me nor future me... it's the present me. I know it's complicated but u dont need to understand me. Just let me stop myself from suffering anymore.. i feel like i've been kept locked in this life.. even if i fly i still want to die tomorrow.. nothing will change my suicidal feelings... not even when i've archieve things in this life.. money,love,future,after life... wont stopped me from wanting to suicide.. i just simply want to die. Life is fun.. fun yet dreadful.. life taught me so many experience and will taught me more in future... wisdom is the most powerful yet not to me.. to me, i just want to die.. enough with this living...

My letters are in blue document.. i have a letters to my family and my will..

I wish my family wont ignore this and change it with love. Not with hate nor grudge... we are all humans after all.. we wont move on until we forgive each other,make up minds and change our attitudes,way of life into better... pls discard ur fucking 'lazy' attitude... makes me sick... waiting for me to die so that u wont be lazy... this house is ur house! This family is ur family! Dont fucking thinking just bcos u've married and have a new family u would abandoned the old family? Haha.. simply ignorant... i tried to saved this family yet this family didint even care.. i dont think they'll change even if i die or living bcos of what? Simply bcos of lazy ignorant selfish their fucking arrogant attitude... selfish.. human are so selfish... that's why.. i'm going to be selfish too.. but i wont suicide.. i'm scared of god than you... so u can keep lock me in a cage.. cut my wings.. and let me suffered in despair like now... yes i'm in deep despair.. this life.. i cannot see nor accept anymore.. death seems inviting me.. if god called me, i dont mind.. i'll be waiting.. while waiting i'll living suffering...
which is now..

-kina-

This heart beating,
Something seems to be missing
Her little world warm up people's heart
Her smile
Her love
Her laugh
A new life... That twisted moment
Her laugh
Her smile
Her love
Everything faded...
Her fear
Her pain
I failed to save her

Maniac Depression

I seem to lose all the dazzling light
Can’t understand this broken sight
Grudge
Hatred
Anger
Pain
I have always in some way denied this existence which is me.. Pain repeated, started again
I want to kill the past
I want to save her
I feel the shame which never over
Seeing my own distorted shadow,
I stifled my voice and cried
Shite Fxxk

In darker dreams
I saw her, she speaks to me
And it seems
I cannot see the light

What’s happened to me
Why is it always like this?
I failed to save her
Fear
Fear
Anxiety
Anxiety

Maniac Depression

Leave me alone
Please help me
It's killing me
Seeing my own distorted shadow,
I stifled my voice and cried
These day i'm better dead

I want to be reborn
And reborn somewhere else
Don’t just abandon me
Fxxk You

Hope

When you're broken but you help other's heart
When you're trying your best but you didn't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't fall asleep
That night when you are laying down
Tears comes stream down ur face
Thinking what to do in life
Looking for purpose yet not strong enough to keep you alive
Living a life as if we have a choice
Save me
I'm afraid of living
Let me sleep in peace
Sing me a lullaby till i sleep

When you laughed at someone but it got wasted
When you hurted someone but you're the one that got hurt badly
When you got so mad but then you feel so relieved
When you cry till sleep but tomorrow will be another day
That morning when you're waking up
Eyes open widely to see the world's sunshine
Thinking that there's still hope
Living a day looking for a purpose to live again and again
Enjoyed living your life even for awhile
That seems not bad
Let me live in this wonderland world
Till i'm satisfied
Let me live the life
Sing me a song of hope
Giving me a hope

I'm sure life are tough
I'm sure you're tired
All you want is
All i need is
To find light
Light will guide your hope
And it will light your hope
And I will try to help you
So never give up on hope
That they which is your victory day will come
Surely oneday

Lights will guide ur hope
And so do i will try to help you up
So never give up
And find light
Keep believing hope
Because i'm sure your victory day will come
Surely oneday

Deep inside the heart
We're jealous of other's fortune
Yet they are jealous of what we have
So what's the point of jealousy?
To take down their fortune
To break people's fortune
So that we can have what we don't have?
Then... Is it satisfying you?
Is it worthy seeing people's doomed
Humans never know boundary until they've falled

Deep inside the heart
We're jealous to something we don't have
A family
A friendship
A lover
A fortune
A knowledge
A fame
A beauty
We're not perfect
Yet God just want to see if we can build that
That which things we want but don't have
Would you create it or stole it?
Hardship never end
So does easy way doesn't end well
People are blinded by their desired heart
They will do anything in order to archived their dreams
While destroyed other's dreams
How can humanity lost so easily?

What do you live for?
For yourself of course
Then, as long you are 'happy' blinded by fortune
This world will be forever corrupted
So does your heart
That's why...Your sympathy is nothing
Because in the end
Everything repeated and you will live normally like you always do
Like a robot repeating action
Because you're just following the orders
Without knowing what to learn and what to use to change the world...
"Thank you so much"

I used to be so happy till i forgotten what pain is
A childish laughed so happily
Thinking nothing but a happy things
Do everything i want without knowing the consequences
Playing, running none stop till tired with friends
Got scolded by parents for troubling them too much
Never stop doing things that i like to do
Always run towards the big hills
Rolling on hills and traveling through the woods
A journey without knowing any fear
An smiling face that can never stopped laughing

A happy soul that used to be me
Me now
Who's broken so much
That 'happy moments' are nothing but painful moments
That 'happy family' that i used to living with are now faded into the dark abyss
Just like my soul
This dark soul
No one can understand
U don't need to understand it
Because this soul can never be saved
Because this soul will be burdening your life
So ignore this soul
This soul doesn't even worthy to be living

As i growing older and older
This mind are so 'matured' that childish things aren't fit for me
So matured that people's thought "What's the fucking wrong with her problem?" Right?
Or not
Doesn't matter because that's what i have always feel
So if i feel like that then it's right
If not how did i end up having that feelings

Childhood, do i even remember?
No, i don't haha
Aren't that pathetic
Now too i won't be remember
Future too i won't be remember
Because this 'BPD' which i'm suffering now
Since i was a victims of a ...
And now ... myself because of too much pain to 'just living...' " Are you okay?
I'm okay~
Of course, I'm not okay...! Such a foolish questions
If i said no it will just make you feel burden
I don't need your 'sympathy'
Nothing can save this soul
This soul can never be healed
Even i have tried many times
I failed
U failed
I don't blame anyone
Just blamed myself for living~

A confession : musto

Ok... Aqim... kina ad.. depression.. depression smpai tahap mmg betul2 nk bunuh diri la.. so.. perasaan ni ad sbb masalah family la... tp depression ni terjadi bkn sbb time kene belasah ngan abah dulu  or time ummi da meningal.. bkn... time tu dulu time bru nk blaja psal hidup mati la..

So x kisah sngt... normal la shock skjp pastu ok da~ pastu somehow lps habis skola... time tu ye... Somehow kina makin sedar dunia reality ni... mcm bertapa sialnya dunia ni.. sensitive giler,emo giler.. kk perasaan ni x dtg cmtu je.. of course la ad reason.. kenapa kina cmni.. emo semua.. kk kina x ingat tp rse sakit tu ad la.. tp rsenya time tu.. aqim gado ngan nor kot.. or maybe kita ad gado kot.. gado besar kecil... ntah la... bila bnyk sngt benda da blaku.. kina mmg xnk ingat pape pon.. tp masalahnya benda da terjadi sakit tu mmg da tercatat dlm hati kina ah... so.. bila aqim ad gado2 ap2 ke.. lg2 ngan nor ke... sesapa ah.. Somehow effect tu kt kina.. mmg effect giler smpaikan kina mmg betul2 nk mati giler time tu... like fuck this family aku nk mati.. so... kina self harm... kina kelar tngn kiri... kina xnk g tau.. tp... kina nk juga bg tau supaya aqim tau yg kina stiap hari struggle untuk hidup... setiap hari fikir nk mati... n x suka balik umah... sbb tngk muka korg mmg triggered bg kina.. time opah meningal.. time triggered giler.. bkn sbb opah meningal.. tp kina nmpk muka2 org yg da lukakan hati aku smpaikan aku nk mati... tp diorg x tau ap2 psal aku... yg tngh struggle untuk hidup ni.... fuckkkk themm. 

Sooo~ kina bg tau ni sbb nk hidup... kina x expect pape la.. for kina nya recovery or baiki family ni... kina just nk aqim tau yg kina struggle stiap hari... i'm not a normal person tu je.. i'm damaged.. mental damaged... bcos of this family fighting with each other... that effects me to the point of i wanna die... but i made my mind to live... that's why i'm telling you my suicidal feelings...

Although this world are full of sorrow
We're smiling through the pain
We won't let it get us down
Just brushes it off and start again
So cry, please cry
Because it will released your pain rather than shutting it up
Trapped in hatred heart

Although the pain are repeated again and again
Just brushes it off and started again
Because you know deep inside your heart painful life worth living
Not all in this life are bad things
Though there are little happy things
At least you have it if not find it

You carry so much pain inside
Why do you have to be strong?
You bluffed and said you're okay
But is it true? Because it's such a crystal clear lie
You don't need to act strong

Life can be so annoying
That sometimes you feel so mad
To the point of berserk
Do not fear of the pain
Scream as hard as you want
I'm gonna take all of your pain
Life are bothering
Why do we even bother living?

But by living as far as now
Does showing how strong you are
You know, some people won't know how strong have you been
Well, i know how strong you are
You can be much more stronger if you believed that you can get through this
The more you cry the stronger that you'll be let the time healed all of your scars
Is what people said
But is it true?  It's up to what your believes
All i can ask you is to stay strong
Not become more and more stronger
But just stay as who you're now
Sometimes becoming stronger doesn't proved anything

I sat by the window pane
I look out through the window
The gentle wind blows and the air blew through my hair, my face
Taking a deep breath
The smell of nature
I open my eyes
I realised how bored life is
Everyday are the same
Everyone are same as usually

People who's passed through me are busy continuing their life
While me stucked in the middle of the road
Thinking how bored life is
Everyone seems to have a certain future
Yet all i think is nothing but a boring life
Nothing to archive in life
Nothing to show or to be proud of
Here i am being useless to the world
And thinking how can i still living in this busy world

Aimlessly lost, nothing to do in the life
What a boring day, boring life
My eyes are tired of seeing the same blue sky
Such a wide sky yet same blue colour
This world's colour that i can see are only black
Black black black
I'm bored of seeing same fake world
So i'll close my eyes right now
Because the colour that i'm seeing now are darker than black
Which is represented my life toward this world

We're under the same sky yet so far far away
Wishing that you will always be by my side
Why do we believed in love?
Love betrayed our heart
Though love can healed you too
Love are such a complicated things

This love... will it forever be like this
Or will this love reached 'happy ending'
Loving someone so much that it can break your heart

This tears.... Is it worthy to fall?
To stop loving you is like living without a reasons
This breaking glass can never look like it used to be
The cracks are forever seen

So is it fun to fall in love?
This heart were ones beautiful now had many scars
Painful love, beautiful love
Both are mixing and divine a love story
This bitter sweet love
Can it reached happiness?

I want love like a love story
I want a prince that can saved this trapped soul in dungeon
Which hunted by dark dragon
Fallen in love
Is it worthy to playing my heart?

That night when i enter the room
I went there to see you
You aren't there anymore
You lying on the bed while looked at me
It's a lie
That you are leaving me that night
Without any respond
I'm puzzled
Why do you do this?

That solitude night
Everything changed
This love for you aren't enough?
Is it my fault?
Why? Am i burdening you?
Dazzling night seems to changed into darkness
When you're stucked in a dark abyss
When you're suffering
Why didn't you asked me help
Haven't i always stayed by ur side?
Giving you mount of fortune and love
In the maze without an end
Sorrow made you
Sorrow made you
In the bottom of a dark dead sea

That solitude night
You're leaving me, i cry
I screamed, i laughed
I wiped my tears and sit next to you and warmed up your cold body..
Even now, i'll always stay by your side
Forever.
I'll sing a lulaby while waiting you.
Until you wake up
Oneday...

Every day & night,
I struggling in life emotionally & physically~
This is a special poems and gratitude for those who's created a meaningful musics in my heart❤
Thank you. This gratitude cannot be showed just by words.. But you are some of the reasons why i'm still alive.. -
【Jrocks Wisdom】
-
The voices of a man that have an ominous
experienced
Also an ginormous wisdom that makes him much more respectful
Beautiful lyrics were singing makes it more beautiful and worthy that it's touched my heart
Till i bursted to tears and feeling so grateful that i'm living
Because this feelings are not just a ' deep song'
This feelings teached my heart how to growing and survived this world
Because his heart reached through my heart

This is not just a song that sang by any artist
It's a voice that was fated to reached my heart
His voices saved me when i'm lost
When i'm dying, He saved me
I'm grateful yet such a pity
Even his beautiful soul can't be saved
Listening his broken voice, breaking my heart
What can i do but cheering him and praying for him
His sore voice
His crying voice
Piercing through my heart and soul
The sound of electronic guitar
Dancing through my ear
So powerful that i felt immortal
Continued with bassist that making the beats much more awesome
With the hardcore drumming as hard as his rough soul
Really shine up my world, my ear, my eye
I know u can't saved all souls but, u saved mine..
Thank you so much
For saving many lost soul through songs~

When i looked up to the sky
I started to having a negative thoughts again
These painful memories do leave me once in a while
But in the next moment
They will once again resurface in my mind's eye
I've tried to searched for a solution
What should i do,
How do i do it
Am i no longer in pain
Or maybe
I have been hurt so badly that i will never let myself get hurt again

People suffer from death at heart
Gods still contribute to this existence that already cannot live properly
Blackness violates the razor in my trembling right hand and I indulge in self-abuse
My brain remembers the feelings, sounds evoke the past
I wake up in a white room again
Screams pour from my open wounds and for a time evoke relief
I relize the dread of taking the first step
KILLING ME
You are
KILLING ME
Why is it so painful?
KILLING ME
I'd rather die
KILLING ME
Kill me
Before I end up drowning
There are too many black shadows for me to live properly
Why am I alive?
Why are we alive?
KILLING ME
On that day
KILLING ME
I want to disappear so badly that i attempt to suicide many times
KILLING ME
Tell me
KILLING ME
Even now, I’m afraid of the feeling of being alive
KILL ME
KILL ME NOW
Tell me that it’s okay to live
KILL ME
KILL ME NOW
Clinging to the past… “KILLING ME”

I realised why i was laughing a lot today,
It was because i was trying to forget the pain of yesterday~

Paradox

I'm not living
I'm just surviving
Everything grew accustomed to a denial of "consider"

Paradigm Paradox
In reality, I'm myself
Closing my ears to some temporized words until
Now... Tomorrow also... ... and break

Someone’s words may save me
Therefore, the surroundings won't change
Anything I may think about is dreadful
[Did I changed to what's surrounding me?] I'm not living
I'm just surviving
In denial of everything, I killed my own self

Paradigm Paradox
In reality, I'm myself
Shedding and wetting my cheeks for my actual dream

I'm not living
I'm not seeing yet
The flow of the time is killing my world darkly... Endless cycle of Paradox
In reality, I'm myself
Going to wither like a flower, undertaking everything
"TEARS" ...and break

Each of us lives, dependent and bound by our individual knowledge and our awareness... And sometimes...
Life can be pathetic yet worthy...

I seem to sink into the sound of the falling rain.
This promise is whose dream, who is this dream for?

After vomiting, hallucinations, hearing things…debilitation
Anxiety, sleep disorder, suicidal ideation

Ah…these are the days when it hurts
In here I can’t see a thing
Ah…and those days of hurting
Will end here

Mother

眠るキミは空へ昇って走り出してく
僕をおいて 見えない場所へ…

Leaving me behind, you go on to a place where I can’t reach...

Lately, for some reason
My heart won't listen to me...
On a day like that, i close my eye
Away from hurtful things
So what can i do?
There's no way of turning back
There's no cure of being sick..
Get away!
I must be crazy~~
So what can i do?
I'm so sad
I feel so alone
Sounds like torture
Ignore me, even if i'm drowning in defeatism... -
I cannot fake myself to be ok n living properly? Such a joke..

I still can’t erase the tears from my memory
And this sound of darkness too
It is sure not to heal anymore

There are so many toxic people around me that it's polluting my mind... I should cease my life... Well... soon.. (｡•̀ᴗ-)و ̑̑✧
Exams... hmm.. i'm not inspire to study at all... since i'm stuck in this cursed house... Also lately i've been much more focus on my pain rather than studying and ignore my surrounding... Haha no wonder i'm always struggling and failed to reach people's expectations.. What am i living for? I'm puzzled again.. I'm lost... Without purpose.. How can i study? For future? For myself? Family? Money?
I'm not interested at all of that... Sleeping eternally would be peaceful.. meh... nothing is peaceful in this life nor after life.. since sins will always be hunted me forever~ Also this grudge towards family.. cant be dissolved.. haha
I havent eat,study... I basically didnt living properly since 7 years ago.. but i'm still living? Lol
In this 18 years living.. Is it worth? My face got beating by '....' haha
Why dont u just break my face? Let me be ugly again... Let people look at my ugly face... My heart already broken... Urghh i'm mumbling.. Bye~ People wont even read this long haha :v
Did u have fun watching this nonsense story of my life? People watch and like.. telling here too wont solve anything~ yet nothing can be solve about haha~~

Although I often end up thinking about things like necessity, meaning, and value, it is no coincidence that people have been treading the soil of this world. It is no coincidence that we are alive. Me, you, we were born because we were supposed to be born. There are all kinds of people, but I think these lives we were given should be lived out.

Living is wonderful.
Living is bothersome.

But
Because I’m alive,
I’m happy.
Because I’m alive,
I have to live.

Since I’m alive, I’ll live on.
Since I’m alive, I think I want to stay alive. …Good night everyone✡

Dreams

Sometimes you are wondering what you want to be... What's ur dream.. What will happen in future... Who will you be... Wishing something such as having talents...
You know what?
It's not talent that you need,
It's Desire~~
If You want it, You'll get it
Nothing happens unless you believe in Yourself...
You'll managed it..
I'm sure.. You can do it..

I think there are things you only understand as a student. There were a lot of terrible things, too... But when you're a student, rather than being uncertain, it's best if you have something to put your heart into. Once you enter society, there'll be all these things you won't get. When as a student I was told, "There are things you can only understand now", I thought like "Whaat?" but now I understand that. I had good college days.

All students!!! It's fine if you're being pained by something. Because then shouldn't you stick it out and try doing the best you can? Maybe you'll be thinking that you don't get it, that what the hell am i saying, but I think you'll be able to understand someday. Well, I think it's okay if you're able to say that you don't like something. Do your best!!!! Please spend your time well~

Do you remember the day when, covered in scars, we took each other’s hands
and laughed that it was a contract in blood.
I look up at the sky
“The sky is where I’m now, the dark space I see with my eyes is the world”
Do you remember the day we cried?
I’ve decided what I want to say next.
I make a circle with my arms
「What do you think is inside here? … - the answer…」 - ..
.
 If I could temporarily become you, I’d disturb the inside of your head, I’d destroy the many drawers.
If you are suffering because of your own thoughts, if I wouldn't be able to make them comprehensible…
If I couldn't put them into words…
You who suffer because of what’s inside your head, you have become unable to switch off the tap…

As long as you're living, you'll certainly find something. If you don't live, you won't come to know anything. Not happiness, nor sadness, nor suffering

Well, take it easy!!!! Listen. Everyone...「Live!!!」Give it the best you're able. Because it's okay going at your own pace. -TZK-

I have done nothing productive all dayyyyy~
Lazing all dayyy~~ ¯\( ˘–˘ )/¯

I feel as if i'm a freak weirdo when i'm trying to act 'normal'.. It's like i've lost my special abilities bcos of 'happy thoughts'.. It Ruined my life...💁 Bcos that 'happy' thingy... just not my style or my way of life... so... yeah... Pain... are my addiction~ Through pain.. They taught me lots of things. Most of it actually~ haha But to my darksoulmate~ i wont do stupid things (maybe?) Haha i'll try my best :v but sad thoughts,crying,emo,screams... i'll do like i used to do it... Maybe.. Change or 'move on' doesn't always mean good things... Yeah positive thinking will give me a better life~ but yeah~ i dont need.. bcos my life are ok now~ I need nothing, i have nothing.. That's enough for me.. If it's getting worse.. Isn't that mean i'll breaking myself and reborn? This feelings i don't know if everyone can understand.. but yeah... lol i'm mumbling again~~ Well... i do feel lost when i don't feel pain.. So uncomfortable to live without pain... lol :v

Yesterday was full of hardship, but if we remember back...
We will create a new hope for tomorrow~
And that's the reason why we're still alive? Haha

Now, think about it? At the moment, in your heart's palette, what kind of colours, in which amount, are making up which colours? That's how, every day at about this time, I face myself.

Why do we exist? Why do we live now? ...thinking that is inevitable, right? Then, being just alive is fine, but other than that, now aren't there all sorts of clouds growing in your heart? Being able to think that is also happiness. Ah, living is wonderful, isn't it. When you think about nothing, it is not the present.

Because I have many colours, I have a present. Because I have many colours, the present is fun, painful, sad...and what I suddenly discover in it all is happiness.

What would happen if I died? What would you think if I suddenly disappeared? What would happen if I did THAT? What would happen if I did THIS? Pain gives you the actual feeling that you're alive. Things like that are all a part of happiness for me. I think being able to think is happiness. Because thinking is common but it's not ordinary. -TZK-

Live well, Girlssszz~~
You're not alone, so muster your courage
Lunge forward, for right beyond this
You'll be laughing and shining with your friends

The steep path that you'll be walking will be lit, but full of thorns
Good or bad, from start to finish, you're gonna do it anyway, so make your dream come true
For those who watch over you, for the ones you love and for yourself
Get your senses to a super high level, and walk your own path today

I began to run towards that one big dream
Because my good friends were with me, I did my best
Even if there's a high wall in our way, we're not stopping.
We'll break it down and go on towards our dream☆

Every time I
Faced death,

I felt an attachment to "LIFE", and Hope welled up inside me.

But now... i just feel.... like taking a break....

I was recklessly searching for something,
moving forward even if I stumbled
I knew it was stupid but you see,
I kept running just because I didn’t want to have any regrets

I was only able to trust myself, I didn’t need any friends
I had my blade pointed towards everyone and everything
The wings of youth are fragile and fleeting
I wanted to become strong and hoped for strength to live on my own
In truth I was just afraid of betrayal “Nothing will change if you keep running away”
I knew that and yet I remained unchanged

So I was watching TV all the way until I left the house and...how do I put this into words? In order for us to have a wonderful future, let's live every day with all our might. Rather than criticizing others, let's improve ourselves. Us changing is more important than anything else. For ourselves, for mankind, and for the world. -TZK-

" Why do u have scars? "
" I've been fighting.. "
" Against who? "
" ＭＹＳＥＬＦ． "

Overthinking kills.. So i tried to be silent but silence was a killer too.... .
Everyone have a chapter, that they don't read out loud...

Living like this everyday.. Just how much longer.. How many years will it continue like this?

Everyone imagines what death is like.. For normal people, it's probably frightening.. But for people whose lives are far more painful.. For us death is happiness...

Lonely eyes trapped in darkness, is there no one out there to reach me?

We always stress the importance of freedom, yet fail to understand that we can be imprisoned by our own minds...

A wintry sky, broken streetlight, cold wind
A shadow that I did not recognize, the sound of my escaping footsteps
My freedom was taken

When I woke up, I saw a dark ceiling
The laughing voices of those who soiled me sank into my ears
I cannot understand
Why is this happening to me? Someone give me an answer…

Please, I want you to tell me that it’s just a horrible dream
How much do I have to scream, how much pain do I have to endure until it ends?
Please, I want you to tell me it’s just a horrible dream
I screamed with an almost broken voice over and over again

I can’t even lift my hands to fix my disordered hair
The laughing voices sink into my ears, my faint body temperature is getting as cold as midwinter
I killed my voice and told my withering self over and over again
“It’s just to keep me focused on living”
I trembled as I killed my voice that night, drowning in pain
Forgive me my shallow breaths

Please, I want you to tell me that it’s just a horrible dream
When it ends I’d like to smile just one last time.. I'm tired of the repeated cycle that ruining my life...

Let’s look at the future where we destroy the reality
where we were held back
We unite our feelings and forget the words
Refined souls

I bet my life
Make a dull sound
We become one
Break down the wall

The light that colors this irreplaceable scenery
burns the significance of standing here into me
Until the last.. .
An evanescent life
We hide the end of the time in our overlapping dreams
even now I continue to picture my dream
in the future that swirls in here

So long as I live
This dream won’t end
Break down the wall
We become one

Until it burns out.. .

【Winter☆2016⛄】 .
One day I want to forget that I can’t breathe normally
It seems like I don’t have the strength to wish that anymore.. .
I was recklessly searching for something,
moving forward even if I stumbled
I knew it was stupid but you see,
I kept running just because I didn’t want to have any regrets.. .
I wanted to become strong and hoped for strength to live on my own..
In truth I was just afraid of betrayal..
“Nothing will change if you keep running away”
I knew that and yet I remained unchanged..haha shits.. .
If you always pretend to be strong, you forget your true self and so
it’s important to sometimes put away your strength and rely on someone else
When you are hurting and want to cry, face the sky and scream!
“I don’t want to forget myself
I want to be as I am”

I wish i can see snow face to face, play, laying on it n more in future~ even though i cannot stand cold.... ❄😂
Also snow boarding~~ Hmm that'd be cool~ Seeing illumination~~ especially in sapporo,japan~~ Wowowow~ Already day dreaming....😂

【WINTER☆2016】
Lol.. The feelings of excitement in Christmas has ended...😂😂 I'm back to emooooo self...... Seriously, how long do we need to suffer? Till the end of our life? I wonder.. How does my death are looks like... Did i die by accidents? Did i die by suicide? I'm curious.. Am i going to die by regrets..? Or will i find peace in my death? Bcos at least in this life i won't suffering anymore.. maybe.. i know i might suffer in after life too~ haha.. But can i continue this life without hurting myself? By keep believing hopes and knowing that miracle doesn't always happen.. Can i live without overthinking everyday? Can i? I wonder... Now i can't... I wish for the best in future... But that's all.. Nothing more.. Just wishing.. Nothing more.. In this life... Nothing more.. But pain.. Pain... Pain... When will this pain stop? Till my last breath? Haha... That's a sad life. I don't wish a 'happy ending' in my life.. But i do hope that i can choose how my endings are..

 There's this girl... This strong girl... That have a big dream❤ She smiled everyday, make people laughed everyday.... Yet no one knows that her heart cry the most... Every time... Everyday.. I know that... But i cannot do anything to help her... Change her... I can only be by her side.. But now... She cannot accept the world anymore... She disappear.. Yet no one notice... But i notice.... So please.... Girl... Live.. Live for me... It's sadden me to see u're trapped in deep dark abyss.... It's sad! I wish i can reach ur hand! Help u! Fix ur broken wings! Make u fly! GO FLY! I WISH I CAN HELP U! I SERIOUSLY DO! Yet.. You're so... so... far away.. U isolate urself... It's hurting me to see u like that.... Please used me! I'm here for you! I'm here for you! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! Is it too late now? Why... Why... U're so.... so.... far away? How can i help u... Ur pain... I can feel it.. Our pain are similar.... It's hurtful... It's painful.... Why u're so far awayyyyyyyy? WHYYYYYY!!? I'm here for you.... Please keep on ur dream! Please keep living! Don't go far away... I'm here... I'll always here for you.... Don't go.... I love you... Seriously i love you.... How could u let urself torn up? It's painful.... To see u like this... Live Up Ur Dream!
Please keep believing in dream!
Don’t run away on your own anymore
At least, I want to be by your side when u're crying... You are not alone anymore, right?
U can let everything out in front of me...
If the light disappears, I want to disappear too
We will live...We will Survive...
We will have a dream!
Please.... I'll always stay by your side.. always...
Don't wish urself to disappear.... Bcos pain are the reasons making u want to disappear... If only u didn't know how painful,hurtful u've been through and live normal n happy.. U won't wish such a sad wishes.. " Dream! I will be there for your creation until the end of your life
Dream! wherever you might be (the world) it will be lenient
Dream! you will fully bloom after all the hardships
Dream! your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be "
ＳＯ  ＤＲＥＡＭ！！！
-kina-

My feelings went from helplessness to uselessness
I crawl in the bottom of my mixed consciousness
and search my subconsciousness for answers
「I can’t see the tomorrow right in front of me」
You, who held your breath
waiting for help, turned into nothing
Those tears that spill for「loss」
are they spilling for the pain you endured too?
They all closed their eyes
and let your die without helping
Is there anything I can save?
I ask with thousand thorns in my throat
Tomorrow... is dying right in front of my eyes...
.
 p/s I'm not just blaming myself, i'm blaming everyone else too. People who knew her. they are all crying because she’s dead but do they realized how much she was hurting? and if they did why did they close their eyes about it and let her die. I basically saying “look what you did”
Nothing to dream anymore...

This life that makes no sense dries my throat
I wanted to spread my wings like a butterfly
Is there going to be a spiderweb here tonight too?

I was just supposed to spread my wings like a butterfly but
I didn’t realize I was falling until I did

The small hope that brusts like a bubble
reminds me of fireworks
It blooms lonely and bright
It seems like you are going to forget
Even the pain and tears you have endured

Why are you looking at me with such a sad face?
I reach out my hand to you
The memories that were torn apart one by one
start to flow without a destination

Don’t watch me with sorrowful eyes

I was supposed to be used to loneliness
so why are these tears falling?
I’m not smiling in the memories
that are disappearing one by one

Just like this
You and I will stay in solitude

I wonder how many more years will we, as always,

Keep on living with the same “forced smiles”? .

There are times when day by day

I can’t even produce a sound

It’s painful…and I can’t hide my hesitation

I don’t understand the point of living

The sickness won’t stop either

There’s no one, and I don’t want anyone either… .

“I am alive despite wanting to die”

This pain won't stop until i end it.. . .

"Healing takes a lot of courage. It isn’t only asking you to forgive those who have hurt you but it also requires you to accept yourself completely and unconditionally. There are days that are still hard and frustrating. We just want to be left alone, to sit down with the pain and cry it all out. But for some reason or another, we just can’t do it yet. There are also days that we feel like we’re about to give up and just walk away completely with nothing but our broken pieces and wait until emptiness soothes the soul. It’s not really that easy. It does take time to heal, to accept that some things are meant to be temporary no matter how hard you try, and how badly we want it in our life. We often fail, sometimes we stumble, we have our limitations and it takes a lot of guts to accept the truth that no matter how strong we think we are, we also need some rescuing." - d.g. via Tumblr (dakilanggerlpren)

Ah…these are the days when it hurts...
In here I can’t see a thing.. Do people like 'us' can never be cure?
Light? Hope? Dreams?
Where did it go wrong?

The days keep on passing by..
Someday it’ll creep up on me
I’ll be pushed aside and fall, won’t be able to go back...
Won’t be able to reach... sigh.... .

Wounds remaining on the wrist
Dance with pain and waltz
Dreaming is a hymn
Smoke and shaking vision

My thoughts are crushed ... .
手首に残る傷
痛みとワルツを踊る
夢見は賛美歌
煙と揺らぐ視界

思いは潰され…爪
想いは微睡む
お前は濡れゆく…浮く
落としてきた理性

★２０１７☆

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

I can already imagine how disaster my life is.... In this year, next year & forever~~ lolol but.... .
.
The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.

What is important in life is life, and not the result of life.

After all, life is really simple; we ourselves create the circumstances that complicate it.. . .

#theunsaid "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about."
--Haruki Murakami

Do people asleep?
Do people even living properly?
Do people even living their life to their fullest?
As i see people who's living like a robot
Bounded by world
Stressful world, corrupted world
Thinking about how to survive in this world

You're alive and breathing today
Don't worry about tomorrow
Don't give a damn and just do what you want

They are place we can't reach
Tough time when we got strayed in our path
Who said that's the right path?
We have different path in life
There's no right path
The place we chose is the path
Entrust yourself because it feels good~

Yeah! New poems,quotes.. whatever it is~ i just wanna say that life are too complicated to live properly... So dont obsessed with this 'perfect life' u wanted... bcos of that u might missed something incredible in ur life~

As my soul feels lonely
Their are another soul feels lonely
As you who is coming and play with us
We are happy and like to make a fuss
You start humming before you know
While we are gathering and meow

My little baby,
You have grown well
Time passed by
Day by day
Little by little our love grows
I'm afraid when oneday i'll faced a painful day again... I'll have to accept you
I'll starting to miss you
I'll become more lonely after one by one went away
But i need to accept it and of course you all will always in my heart

With this poker face
How many people have i lied to?
With this cold heart
How long have i've forced myself to be strong?
With this poker face, even in sad moments i won't cry
With this cold heart, even when you gone i won't cry
Only God and you knows the real me.
I don't need to prove to them how strong my love for you
I don't need to show them how i take care of you
I don't need to cry to show my sadness
You guys already know me
This is the real me
You who have stay by my side,
seen through my ugly side
Only you my dear baby❤

Because you guys are much more worth to know me better than any human who's thinking my life are so complicated and ignore it.
While continue life as if nothing happened.
Such ignorant and that is human being.
It's normal and i don't mind.
It taught me more about how cruel world is. They only care about their own world.
Somehow that's the different between humans and animals.. Lol i'm mad with some human so i didn't mean to dis them in here~ i know not all human are garbage. Chillax. If this hurt ur feelings maybe u are a garbage and welcome to my world... No humanity... lol~ If u arent hurted then u're a good person~ Really? Are you? Haha joking~ bye peace! yo! V(^o^)

I have 7 kitty.. 3 girls and 4 boys... A fact about me, My family are 7 too~ just like my kitty~ lolololzz

I prayed under a red sky, i believe
That when i wake up,
none of this dream will have come true
Exhausted, i have no where to go
Please take me somewhere
The pain grows like a thorn
A sign empty as a moonless night
Trapped in time, i don't want to cry
Being in pain are hard..

The endless worries of fighting and hurt
You exert yourself in this silent war.. .

I wake up and breathing
The fresh air of warmth morning
With a lovely blue sky
Feeling full
Walking around understanding life
With our locked heart
Searching for lost key
Plucking a colorful flowers
That would be where 'the fine day'... .
.
When I woke up…
I was alone
Bitter sip of coffee
My heart feels empty
Leaving me with a cold expression, and silence
The key were never be found
The colorful flowers i chose has scattered
That would be where 'the cry day'... .
.
My “blood” in the “mirror” is the colour of
my sins which have experienced loss
The 'carving' are proven of my hardship and struggling
Where the feelings of trembling will last forever

If this is eternal…
I will disappear completely

“For how long should I smile?” .
.
I close my eyes and try to smile

We’ll continue living,

Through these ugly suicide attempts .

If only my life as simple as it looks.. .
.
Welp as long as we can still create a happy memory together.. i don't mind~

I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.

It's true that when we're feeling hopeless in some times & it keep repeated.. How annoying is that? It's annoying as fuck. But seriously through hard HARD HARDDD times.. We actually overcome our weakness.. The more i'm damaged the more mature my way of thinking.. Too mature than my real age.. Maybe because i've been through countless difficulties and pain.. Also i know many of you too being through many things.. This difficult time.. Make me learning more about life. About a reason to live. U don't need to find 'something'.... U create it.. Why bother find and waiting? Just create it. Change it. Change ur world. If it's boring, Change it! If it's painful, Change it! If you feel like it's hard to do it rather than just saying.. I know it's hard and need a lots & lotsss of courage... But how long do you wanna live like that? Just simply living like a doll.. Crying every night till fall asleep..
Aren't you fed up with that kind of life? Don't u wanna live ur life to the fullest?
Don't give up..
Without a fight for a real life?
I don't know if i can fight or hold the monster inside me but.. it's better than let them win over us.. again n again..
So i'll keep fighting.. I may lost in dark path but as long as there's light waiting for me. I don't mind how long and painful my journey is!

I don't wanna wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you're awake from nightmare you're so relieved while I woke up into a nightmare.. That is me. Everyday.

It is indeed selfish to abandoned your loved ones by committing suicide, but it gives both ways. These loved ones are also selfish for forcing them to live a life of sorrow.

It is indeed a permanent solution, but a solution nevertheless.

It may be cowardly to flee from your problems, but when one suffers tremendously, pride won't be a relevant concept anymore.

It could get better, but it could also get worse.. . .

For my dear friend, she doesn't want to lose by her monster.. Hmm i forgot to tell her that i've accepted my monster~ I'll support her and to people who's fighting.. but never for myself. Cuz that's how the real me isz~
I have stop believing~ huehue

In this world that seems to function with ease,
A simple sigh can sway my feelings

Every time I count on my fingers, the world speeds up
Melancholy and the future get dragged to the surface
Wounds for wounds

Too used to being hurt,
You hide behind your pain again

Paying no heed to the voice that’s been imprisoned and killed,
My heart might start to drown

In my lone toy box where everyone tends to disappear, I notice…
That my heart is crying

My thoughts that end up hidden, “who is to blame for?” In this world where being compared means being belittled,
My heart rejects the light

Afterwards, the feeling I’m familiar with is unfairness that comes from helplessness
At the very bottom of my muddled senses, I question my subconscious
“I cannot see the future before my eyes.” My withered poem already unheard, cries without its receiver
Do their tears shed for “loss” also flow for your endured pain?
As if they’re all letting you die without helping, they avert their eyes .
“The future is dying before my eyes.”
.
.
 Oh god... Why do i feel like this now.. why must be now.. I'm already tired with this busy world and life.. 😭😭
I'm tired.. tired tired tired... U  lil bitch emo me
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

I put into words unfinished dreams
Is the pain expelled from my throat
I hope this sight will disappear

I hope for you
I’m like jenga*
My voice has been so crushed... :v
And its prismatic colours are all faded now
I fear filters in the future

Ah…if I were to lose
My voice like this

Until my voice disappears, I’ll talk about my dreams with flowers (hmm like blossoming~)
Even if I go crazy wanting to compose
I’ll have kept on screaming a tiny bit of light -When was it that I had started being afraid?
Of losing my voice and the end of my heartbeats-
-When was it that I had started being afraid?
Of singing, of continuing to live-

Ah…so
I should just disappear like this
Ah…but even though I think that,
I want to keep turning the pages

I’ll have kept on screaming a tiny bit of light
The colour of dreams
Keeps changing too
We once again fight back with black
Even for just a bit,
I’ll keep raising my voice,
Questioning what exists
In this fleeting moments..(Q3Q) .
.
*Jenga basically like.. I’m hoping to get to you (who are the same as sky, so perhaps I hope for you who are in the sky) BUT I am like jenga, meaning I keep collapsing and can’t reach high enough for the sky, and therefore you. .
.
.*Hmm... prismatic colours more like a voice. The seven colours that appear when light is refracted with a prism. Rainbowww~ yayy! lolzz jk2^^;
I guess this kinda heal some of my emotions.. QwQ fuhh.. fighting~..lol

The devil has come back to catch me 「How does the countdown feel while you live?」 .
Whatever comes out of your mouth.

I'm lurking in everyone's heart.

One

Two

Three

I counted the numbers with a childish tone.

I built blocks playing like a child.
I stacked them higher and higher
The soft building blocks that will collapse violently and fly away
And he will laugh very hard, that's right.

He will make no exceptions.
It has been devoured by me.
For the devil that lurks in my heart.
I am returning to being the demon that bathed in blood.
I am sure it is my time to return.

Keep your eyes open, do not close them
He is coming.
It seems that it will be something that has not been seen before in this life
With a static expression
Happy
Jumping from side to side.

I guess it's the end.
If he has fun it's okay, right? ... .
I think so
With this broken heart ... .
It seems that my brain accepts this emotion that can be instantly lost
Like the fun ... .
Ah ... I will end up being devoured by this?
"He" stalks in his own heart. .
.
『"How do you feel?"』 .
.
MEJIBRAY Tsuzuku 綴
ⓒMEJIBRAY WORLDWIDE

OMG TSUZUKU... 😭😭😭😭😭
HE IS NOT "OK"
i'm worried..worried..worried as ffffff.........

-Here comes the moon again.- .
Moon faces
It seems as if it were "now"

Time keeps going on
Here I am screaming again.

This should have been a show
It even repeats itself
It just changed the way it looks.

This time is repeated repeatedly
What has not changed are the emotions
Today it rains, that has not changed either.

The moon has come out again
But there is a word that does not remain in the air.
It is like
A mermaid swimming among debris.
And beauty
It's a catastrophic scene
I'm laughing in front of my own eyes.

Scream
An explosion
Fragments solidified in deep darkness
Thoughts stop
The ears stunned.

An impulse to overflow
Thought is disturbed

It's now, it's now ... it hides
The mouth is forced to show no emotions.

My chest hurts
A strong current runs through my back
My back seems to be broken all the time
Even so, my heart still does not want to open... .
I fight against my weaknesses
It hurts in every discussion
Always back to back with fear and problems
Years later…
I wonder, how long will we have to suffer in order to live.

It's okay to get away.
Sometimes you have to.
Fleeing by the fact of living
Now, now... It's the opportunity.

Silence and wine
Let's swallow the lies.

Waiting for a raw happiness
With suffering in tow.

Pain and suffering always extend their hand.
The time of happiness and prosperity
"The true meaning"
It reveals itself in pain and suffering.

What are you waiting for, are you going to stop?
What do you expect, you have hopes?

It seems that * Sugoroku has begun again without me knowing.

Have you found yourself walking?
In the vortex of pain and suffering

In the warm darkness
In the glass empty. (* Sugoroku is another type of traditional game. It is usually played among children.) .
.
MEJIBRAY Tsuzuku 綴
ⓒMEJIBRAY WORLDWIDE

Trapped by our own minds
How pitiful is that?

Living a life aimlessly
Attempted little poisonous actions
Yet, here we are still living.. .
.
Bruised body, heart and soul
Grip neck everytime we're drowning by our own pool of tears
Running away from pain yet being chained up together
Eternally..
Life seems liveless .
.
When I go out as someone who's not me
It's still hard to meet people's eyes
When I talk as someone who's not me
I respond with a fabricated smile

I rejected the world with my mask of lies
I direct myself with the mask of lies I created

In front of people I'm someone who's not me
Nobody would approve of what I am inside
Am I someone who's not me as I'm trying to live?

I've gone mad... If only my life had meaning
I've gone mad... Mistook the peace in my mind
I've gone mad... I paint my mouth red and confirm the taste of life
I've gone mad... I still can't live a decent life .
.
"I wonder what is it that we can do?”
. .
私はбесполезен, ตาย싶다

Joining your hands, in murmured words you continue inflicting current misery
Praying to God is an indulgent kiss, the time of your demise near
If you’re able to continue raining ash amidst unreaching light,
I will grant you all of your wishes.
You people who allow yourselves to turn away from the down-pouring reality,
Listen to the voice of the nation that can do nothing but struggle all the time,
And to the truth of this world
That a young girl’s screams of woe tell you when she calls for help

To the hopelessness over there,
What will you hope for?
If you hope for nothing,
What do you call that?

To the hopelessness over here,
Will you hope for me?
Having no hopes,
What do you feel?

If you hope for nothing
To the hopelessness over there
And nothing ceases either,
What will you learn?

To the hopelessness over here,
You have no wishes
God sends black rain and red tears

Failed

Feather Hi-Stainless
In a 45° angle pointed to left wrist
I extracted the flowing red gelee

I tried to hang myself
With a thin black tie
I tied it to the gym bar
It got painful and I fought back

So maybe it was still too soon to die?

As I try to live, I am not as myself, but am I somebody?

Am I just clinging to earth with this facade of lies?

When was it that I had become so bad at living?

AAAAH... I have to be strong today, can't sleep too much.
I don't want to think about anything.. But.. Living this way.. Doesn't it feel like it's just a long trudge toward death..?
It's always like this. Happiness always slip away.. Fine.....

Mother

Mother
When u was here.. All this bad thoughts never surpassed me.
But now, it's not just about being hunted by a bad thoughts only.. Now i've become worse than before.
Worse than yesterday. Becoming more & more worsen.
I wonder when will i can breathe without feeling a burden in my chest? Lately i fight my monster using a sword. I know i should not draw my sword. But mother, i just wanted to protect myself from my inner monster. And reborn. Yet, now i have stopped on believing in hope. I've been living aimlessly.

Eliminating sorrow and misfortune
That would be the fault of this world
For the given destiny of yin and yang that can't be changed

I wish i can vent my anger..
But hey, that won't resolve anything.. not that i care about anything.. but it will affected people around me.. Better left alone n die alone..... .
My mind are so distorted
Distorted mind distorted mind distorted mind..... For the 1st time in my life.. i actually need someone to hear my confession.. It's not like i dont trust my family nor friends it's vice versa and because of that i dont want to tell anything to them... but by keeping everything in silence by myself are reallyy eating me up wholly... Wwuwuwuwuwuwuw
God today i'm fasting so that i wont turned into a monster... I wont.. I dont wanna to.. But i'm so unstable now.. so unstable now.. so unstable now........

Ahh.. when the sky knows how i felt... If you always pretend to be strong, you forget your true self and so
it’s important to sometimes put away your strength and rely on someone else
When you are hurting and want to cry, face the sky and scream
“I don’t want to forget myself
I want to be as I am”

Hmmm.. idk who's to rely anymore.. Family? Friends? Haha.. haha.. haha... Everyone are busy with their own life. Busy to achieve their little goals... While i'm busy on staying alive for tomorrow.. She said. "2,3 semester more left"... I was like... bitch if i live suffering that long doesnt that mean i'll live suffering again and live like what other's will do? Find a job,marriage,etc.. Then what? Do u expect me to be happy? I'm mentally sick. Then what? Send me to Mental hospital? People like us especially me. Dont have any 'way out'.. "We have God, let's survive this!" lol... Aren't i am alive now for God..? Without believing in God.. I'd have suicide long long time ago.. Even before my mother's death. U see.. This 'depression'.. That ignorant bullshits people keep saying 'seeking attention'.. Does that mean we should die? Just because we're a little different.. We do not belong in this world? Do u think u are belong in this world? Is that what u call humanity? The world and people are so corrupted. No wonder i want to die. Then again, while i'm struggling living for future... Do u have fun watching me become like this? This feeling now.. Cannot be disappear. They have created 'this feeling' deep inside my heart. Things that've happened cannot be erased.. i dont blame them. It's just that.. They've created a monster. So deal with it. I cannot be cured. I cannot be cured. I'll never be freed.. Oneday, i might do it for real... Soon... soon...

Through #skytrex we learned how to survive in this life alone..We had a flashback moments of our life.. We suddenly feel so lost and hopeless in the middle of the jungle.. No one is there.. Left behind, struggling alone, tired.. We're Never Give Up even though we're tired, we will keep facing the obstacles no matter how hard the obstacles are.....
We support each other~ We faced our fear physically and mentally.. That moment, we feel the hardship while faced our challenge.. How hard it is that we feel so tired,give up and lost..
But, We keep pushing ourselves..
Till we reached the end❤
We survived. How about you?
.
The hardest part (TIRING) are the Ladder up.. Which is to climb up... Need ur stamina,strength and strong grip(ur muscle).... (-_-) i had to climb up n up n up like 3,4 times... and climb down...(even harder)😭😭
2nd hard(est) part is sloppy net bridge...
A fck*ng long long net bridge...........
BASICALLY NEED UR STRENGTH😭
Other than that~ it's super duper easy~ All the wires,balancing are easy~🙆
😘the easiet is flying fox~ (if u're not afraid of heights or death~) Just Jump!!! lolololol

Sometimes recovery is waking up early to take a sip of coffee and do yoga and listening to music and eating lots of fruits and chocolate and sometimes it's staying in bed all day and hiding from the world until you can stop crying. All of this is okay. What's important is that you take care of yourself no matter what kind of day you're having~ Stop holding yourself back. If you aren't happy, make a change.

The little time that passed from that day you left
Fun things, sad things
Everything was colorless

Fall in love... Now we both mutually walk separate paths

Like the brilliantly blooming flowers
Always loved with a smile

The dreams we drew together bond us forever

You always hid your weakness
And annoyed me with trivial things
I couldn't do anything about such sweet and silly actions

We met by chance
And I loved you
I'm drowning in the time I can't return to

Goodbye is recorded memories... This can't continue the way it is

Little by little I'll move on

Even though "I love you" were common words
I will continue to believe in them
If only you were here
I would be happy

But surely I feel that although it's like this
I didn't imagine all the important things
Though it's late, I understand now
I'm truly sorry

Embracing the sadness and the warmth
I hope we'll meet again someday
And we'll be proud that we are happier than we were that time

What do you think about this given world?

1. What is the meaning of living?
2. Did you remember feeling alienated?
3. Do you want a new world?
.
. "Loneliness hurts"
"Is there a place to go home?"
"No one understands ..."
.
 Ahh... pleasure and despair color the sky
Ahh... I will find the cradle of the left wing that I opened

I want you to distinguish between suffering and pain ... All the pain and the hurt
It’s as if you’re weaving them, and
as if they’re getting accumulated in you.
It’s okay
So please, cry

Ahh... injured and asked the meaning of being injured
Share your scars and the scars of yours
Looking for meaning to live
I will search for your "meaning"

When you live your life honestly
Then the night reflected in your eyes, certainly leaves behind only shining dreams
Forgetting the loneliness that greets the morning
No matter how many tears I shed
Just tell me my life
No matter how far I try to walk
I won't be able to see tomorrow through my tears.

Pain adorns my heart... Still the pain lets you know you're still alive.

Into an unlimited nocturnal sky...
Once more
Your heart filled with sorrow
Turns into an unfinished number of stars
You don't know where
You're going to
In distress you have deploy your wings of loneliness
Beyond an ocean of tears
You'll see blue sky
Even in a shapeless dream
Refugee on the tomorrow's winds
Time after time
You try to find yourself..

How far should I keep searching…
Even now, it felt like it was always nearby
This urge's flames
You'll never go ahead if you never lose something… but your bonds
Are never lost
Even if you stand and wait, the “yesterday” never catches up
Only the feelings of going can reach the “tomorrow”
So grasp tightly the “now” in your hands

I woke a miracle from deep of my soul and opened up my path
Always forward! With a heart that never gives up
Your wishes will come true
Believe in your "story"… Never-end
I believe never-ending story☆

Inside the light
it won’t be long until we turn into shadows
and go with the darkness
There is no certain tomorrow
May the flowers continue withering
I wonder what have left you with?
Love, pain, sorrow, anger, joy
Time is fleeting

I was frantically looking for something
it's okay to stumble, so go forward
I know it's foolish, I just run on without regret
the only one I can trust is myself.. I wanna be strong, give me the strength to live on my own
honestly, I was just scared of betrayal
I knew that nothing would change if I kept running away
but I couldn't change myself.
the loneliness I prided myself on
was a pair of wings to escape to my worthless dreams

there was no freedom, nothing beyond this light.

I was drowning in each rough new day
before I knew it I was shouldering such loneliness
It was hard. To be honest,
I really didn't want to be on my own.
Since always pretending to be strong makes one forget one's true face
It's important to occassionally loosen up and rely on others
hurt... Then you want to cry, face the great big sky
and scream out in a loud voice
that you want to forget yourself, so you can keep being who you are.
the encouraging voices of my father, my mother, my siblings and my friends
spurred on, even one so weak as myself, they gave me light
the loneliness and pain of my youth that I prided myself on
were a pair of wings to escape to my worthless dreams
If there's freedom to be had in that clear blue sky
I wouldn't care if these wings I'm so proud of were torn off
I began running, frantically aiming for the sky
I spread my wings and flew away, and the spot where I fell
was 'freedom'.
with a wonderful family, and wonderful friends
these were the best days of my life, If I'm reborn
let's meet again...

the part in yourself that you think is worthless, or the feeling of something missing from you. about how you can’t change any of that by trying to ignore or fix the past because that’s impossible. some things cannot be changed.

I cried... until my voice died?
I point to this light until I reach that place

My eyes are wasted,
I can't see anything,
I don't feel anything
I'm only relying on groping in this unclear scenery
I'm not stopped from dying from this anxiety
I'm afraid of being all alone
I'm getting mad at the feeling of alienation I can't escape from here
My head hurts cruelly
The nausea won't stop I'd rather die

if these eyes didn't know the ray.. I cried again... So much that my throat was burning until I am able to escape this place which is without light.........

It feels like there are two people inside you. for example, one side of you wants to jump from a high place out of curiosity and the other one knows it’s dangerous and doesn’t want to do that. reckless curiosity vs. common sense..

How people are so used to seeing tragedies (like news about sucides) on tv etc media that they’ve gotten used to it and it doesn’t make them feel anything anymore, it’s more like seeing someone’s misfortune is a form of entertainment ....

White melancholie
On the other side of the drape that is fluttering by the wind
What I was trembling for
with a weak voice who's nobody
It was the 'loss' I noticed for the first time

Indelibly stained with a feeling of fear I can't get rid off
I seem to forget the warmth of that hand that was wiped away
The feeling of safety is taken away by the white walls
How many December do I have to see until it'll end?

By crossing paths I'll be able to easily make this crumble
So this is more fragile than I can express

Lightly I'm swaying in sadness
It's not reflected in the ever returning smile
Where to with the melancholie
The meaning of transitoriness, I knew my weakness I reflected upon
At the moment it's like I'm protecting you, like I'm huging you...
.
 I'm saying your answer is a lie
Laughing about my bad dreams
I'm simply enduring that I can't even breathe
I'm completely hiding my blocked words
Where to with the melancholie
The clinging wanted tomorrow is still blooming
Like the flame that is protecting you..
flickering .
.

My grandmother before she left the world.
Waiting for the 'time'.. The family started acting really nice around her and that made her feeling melancholic even though everyone was being really gentle towards her. so basically all are about her p.o.v on how people can make you sad even though they're only trying to be nice and appreciate u more. I'm glad she won't be suffering anymore.. I can see that she was loved by everyone~
She had a peaceful face that day.. ;'-) The time we shared together are precious to me☆

Waiting for tomorrow
And another tomorrow
Waiting time passed by
Hurry up and finish the day!

How long do i need to bear
How much longer can i be this strong
Keep breathing
Keep living

Seems aren't enough
What to complete in this world
Nobody
No one
Just me

Here
Stuck
People are asleep,
I'm awake

I'm tired and i can't sleep
Distorted mind
Become insanity
REPEATED

Again
And again
Where's the people i care for?
Where's my family?
Friends?

I'm a burden
Burden
A trash

Headache
Heartache
Stomach ache

Everything seems delusions

Tomorrow comes
Pretending again
Keep faking
Which one is the real me?

Hey, you
I'm Ok
You're Ok
We're Ok

Eat,Laugh,Talk

What's Ok?
What's normal life?
What's living?

I'm mad,
Mad of you
Mad of world
Mad of myself
Madness

Mad Mad Mad

Is this an entertainment for u?
Yes it is. Here's ya popcorn!❤

Cold wind, creepy streets
Same routes yet darker than before
Freedom was taken
I walk slowly and slowly
Seeing the sky so gloom at night

Take a deep breath in and out
The lights seems dim
Eye squint
Things seems blurred

Is this what i want?
Step into the house and living
like a marrionette?
Trapped soul
The devils are waiting inside

Violated
Scared
Darkness
Anguish

Eye opened
Realized in front of the door
Heart beating rapidly
Take one step a back
I run away

To where?
How long?
For what?
How can i survive?

Cold gentle breeze
Lost, creepy streets
Following an unknown routes
Freedom for awhile
I walk slowly and slowly
Seeing the sky, sunrise
Become brighter
Smells nostalgic
The grass,river bank
Ominous wind
Burdened heart
Went home
I smiled

Tomorrow
I'll try again

If I have to dry up,
if I have to be trampled on
then at least by you
It's enough if I'm next to a beautiful flower,
I just want to be beside you
A painful short life it will never change
Just loving loving you...
Every time you passed by you stroked me gently
On rainless days you gave me water so that I live strong

Then one day you disappeared now I'm blooming in vain
There's no water for a flower that will wither away
There's no light for the flower that will rot away
Just being scared of death I'm crawling in darkness
Looking for light I'm crawling in darkness

If you feel sorry for me then make a beautiful flower bloom
I want to be someone anybody can love

There's no water for an ugly drying flower
A flower that only rots away won't leave a bud behind
My eyes are covered in darkness I'm writhing I'm getting crushed
If it was you if it were you
I thought you would help me out of here somehow
I was crying in the revolving lantern
The feeling you gave me
Was it just a dream born out of desire?
I will soon wither away without ever knowing

I close my eyes and start flying in the free world behind them
I pass over reality…just like a bird

What exists there?
The world line which is not in sight
What does it offer?
Something’s missing…

Ah…Divergence
Since when
Had I been bound?
I’m still living in this recognizable world

Until when
Will I be able to laugh?
Even now something is definitely slipping away from my palms…

They say, “Dreams and goals won’t be escaping”
They say, “You’re the one who always starts running away”

Is there any pain equal to the pain of living?
Somebody, tell me

Ah…Divergence
I’ll change
The world
So that I don’t slip away through my own palms
It’s still
Painful now
Will I accept myself, the one who had created this “present”?

What exists here?
The world line which is not in sight
What does it offer?
Something’s missing…

From when
Will I be able to change?
Without always escaping from 
the time when I start to change?

Divergence
From now on
I’ll be transforming,
All the best…
to you who’s hesitating to 
advance into the future

get upWhat exists here?
The world line which is not in sight
What does it offer?
Something’s missing…

From when
Will I be able to change?
Without always escaping from 
the time when I start to change?

Divergence
From now on
I’ll be transforming,
All the best…
to you who’s hesitating to 
advance into the future

get up

Closed my eye
prayers that were crushed to ruins
are reflected in your fluttering eyes 
In the deeply darkening sky 
I see you dancing and whirling with a nightmare 
Don’t forget, the heart doesn’t die 
Don’t forget, such dreams are false dreams
true dread

I was broken from a young age
Taking my sulking to the masses
Writing my poems for the few
That looked at me took to me, shook to me, feeling me
Singing from heartache from the pain
Take up my message from the veins
Speaking my lesson from the brain
Seeing the beauty through the... Pain!
You break me down, you build me up, 
My life, my love, my drive, it came from...
Pain!

Lone sky

Your folded, pale wings are just a little tired from the overly blue sky
You don't have to force your smile for anyone else
It's all right to smile only for yourself

Loneliness continues to creep up on me
A candle alight on the inside
Such a gorgeous chandelier shouldn't be at a crowded party, like this one
Why should I bury it all in the emptiness of words that are lacking?
I don't know anymore

As long as we can swim freely in our dreams
We don't need the sky anymore
Even if I can't paint over everything
That happened up until yesterday
I'll still come out to meet you tomorrow

Inferiority complexes and reconciliations
Aren't things that will come true so easily
The mirror that remains
At the top of self-consciousness reflects flower petals
It looks like my voice is strained
From trying to cry out with an impure love
It's irritating

In these changing times, wounds will soon turn into scars
Without waiting for that to happen
You're so beautiful, and so fleeting...

Prayers shiver in the sun
Like traces of down that have come loose
It's all right to not think about loving someone
As being too much for you right now

Sometimes this world is a little bit too dazzling
To walk looking upward in
When you cast your eyes down
As though sinking, the dry ground slurps up your tears

Why do we feel so alone anytime?
You don't have to take on everything
Why do we feel so alone anytime?
Just putting up with it isn't courage

Bye

Before you go somewhere far away, I think of all the things I need to tell you
Today, once again, as we spend time laughing together
I feel my chest hurt a bit

A spring breeze blows tonight; "I don't want to let you go"
That's what I'm thinking, but I can't say anything unnecessary
"See you tomorrow" we said as our goodbye
I walk alone beneath the rows of trees
And suddenly I recall the remnants of my dreams

The dancing flower petals flutter in the breeze
Slipping through the gaps in my heart
All I can do is face my feelings
No matter what kind of pain comes to attack my heart again
I'm going to find out what's beyond that closed door

The two of us are complete opposites
But I wonder why I didn't notice that when we were together
Our similarities grew before we knew it
But the truth is that we copied each other a little bit

That night,
We briefly nodded to each other
Taking notice of the fleeing future
Looking at how you've unchanged
I've decided to leave my memories behind
I'm sorry; I'm going on ahead

The dancing flower petals sway
Connecting to my swaying heart
So that I won't forget
I'll start walking as my dreams and wishes are carried on the spring breeze
Hey, keep your head up
So that I can laugh by your side again

No one else is as strong as you are
You're scared to be alone
I am too

The dancing flower petals flutter in the breeze
Slipping through the gaps in my heart
All I can do is face my feelings
No matter what kind of pain comes to attack my heart again
I won't forget
I'll start walking as my dreams and wishes are carried on the spring breeze
The future we believed in starts from here again

-kinayume-