Sometimes I wake up in the morning

To red, blue, and yellow skies

Dance around like I'm insane

I feel free when I see no one

And nobody knows my name

God knows I live, I died, I begged, I cried

God knows I died

God knows I begged

Begged, live and cried

God knows I loved

God knows I lied

God knows I lost

God gave me life

And God knows I tried

And I'm tired

Sometimes I wake up in the morning

To red, blue and yellow lights

On Monday they destroyed me

But by Friday I'm revived

I've got nothing much to live for

Ever since I found my purpose

God knows I live

God knows I died

God knows I loved

God know I lied

God knows I begged

Begged, borrowed and cried

God knows I lost

God gave me life

God knows I tried

God knows I tried

God knows I tried

God knows I tried

So let there be light

Let there be light

Light up my life

Light up my life

Let there be light

Let there be light

Light up my life

Light up my life

God knows I tried

God knows I tried

God knows I tried

God knows I tried

God knows I tired

Sometimes I wake up in the morning

To red, blue, and yellow skies

I've been living, I've been trying

And everything was fine

God knows I live, I died, I begged, 

I cried, I loved, I lie, I lost, 

God gave me life

And God knows I tried

I tried, I tried, I tired

Sometimes I wake up in the morning

I felt hopeless, breathless

Despite having a fine life where 

I can't seem to adapt with since young

And God knows I tried

I tried, I tried, I got tired

I've got nothing much to live for

Everyday is grey and down

I have to keep continuing

So let there be light

Let there be light

Light up my life

Sorry.

The sound of the second hand resonates

it makes silence more silent

time to go to bed?

it's a cold night after all

it's snowing outside the window

loneliness keeps pilling up

where did you go?

just thinking about you

my chest tightens

(for numberless times)

(for numberless times)

i've tried to forget you, yet

time merely goes by

memories of you stay

it's so painful, so sorrowful

my feeling are about to freeze

take them away with you, oh

whenever i talk to you, you're always absent-minded

you always apologize right away, but you never look at me

it's incredible that that's how we got together

despite plenty of reasons to leave you

without saying anything,you stop coming home

i knew how little i know you

these words will never reach you

they'll dance in the sky

they'll blend with someone's sigh and fly to somewhere distant

they're gone

my pure white feeling lose their warmth

please touch me with your warm finger

please show me your gentle smile

even now i'm about to collapse, oh

i hear the door open and a familiar voice speak to me

your arms tenderly surround me

please always be by my side like this; please don't leave me again

nowhere else but here it the only place i belong

please don't take it away, oh

the sound of the second hand wakes me

you're gone again...

I chew to bits many a pill

And keep crying, failing to fall asleep

This dulling is to hide the past

But without me noticing, the hurt just increases

I want to destroy, I want to destroy

I take love in my hands

And I myself can’t respond,

But I close my eyes and try to smile

We’ll continue living,

Through these ugly suicide attempts

Chinese philosopher (Zhuangzi)'s Butterfly Dream where he dreams of being a butterfly and after waking up, questions if he was a man dreaming of being a butterfly or if he was a butterfly dreaming of being a man. The idea is that we cannot be 100% certain about anything (even our reality and existence).

the reality he feels is fragile and fleeting, like something that appears and disappears easily.

存在-胡蝶の夢-

But they were so happy..

How can i not smile for them.

Though that day i was grumpy..

I still have to be grateful..

*i had* to..

And i have to forever try to be a better person..

The only way to overcome depression.. 

Mostly i'd just give up..

Live,die,rest

Endless cycle of suffering

Dream seems real, is it real?

Drown in dark abyss, no escape from the pain

Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see

I'm just a sad girl, I need no sympathy

I can live through hardship and still survive

I fall and I resonance

I will just follow the wind blows and it doesn't really matter to me, to me

I just killed myself

Put a knife against my wrist, 

lacerate my flesh, now i'm dead

Thus, life had just begun

But now I've gone and thrown it all away

I didn't mean to make you cry

If I'm not wake up again this time tomorrow

Move on, live as if nothing happened

Too late, my time has come

Sends shivers down my throat, cold fingers,  heart's aching all the time

Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go

Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

I wanna die

And I wish I'd never been born at all

But I'm just a sad girl, nobody loves me

She's just a sad girl from a bad family

Spare her life from this monstrosity

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

So you think you can love me and leave me to suffer through living?

Oh, dear, it's so depressing

Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!

Nothing really matters, anyone can see

Nothing really matters

Nothing really matters to me

I'll follow the wind blows in any path

And nothing really matter to me

But my death..

The reason to live is the reason to die..

The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don't.

Normal people expect us to live normal as if we aren't *FUCKING NORMAL*

I want to die

What

Saying so

I was alive today

That's fine.

I want to die

What

How to die thinking

The time you think is not 

wasted

I lived today

I'm sure I will live tomorrow

Maybe that's fine.

There's nothing wrong with 

saying you want to die.

I can't entrust myself to anyone

Look, you don't see anything

The light shining down vanishing wither 

The things that i cant admit

My weakness

My past

even though i can get what i want

Surely the kindness, i'm holding onto with my hands, will disappear

My heart is locked

It is about to break to pieces

I keep in the tears

I laugh every day

My heart has shown me that there is no reason to trust

What killed me..

were those hypocrites

Even though I can get what I want

surely the kindness I'm holding will disappear

The common answer to living is that when you die, you will ll start all over again and move on

My heart is locked 

It's about to fall

I keep in this tears

I scream everyday

My heart left me the strength to trust that there is a reason 

What killed me..

Was my own very heart.

I want to avoid this world

In my own world

I don't want to be disturbed

I keep trying to avoid it

I'm a freak in the mirror

(I want to run)

Darkness becomes my light 

If you love me

Why won't you leave me alone?

You make a fool out of me

I want to hide in my room again.

 

I'm Hikikomori, Hikikomori

Idle-headed Hikikomori,

Hikikomori,

Sadly, my heart is empty, my heart is so empty.

You keep on asking: "Why are you hiding?"

I wonder why it matters to you that much?

Why are you forcing people to be the same?

Divide normal and abnormal,

What the hell make you think every scar has the same depth?

I know how it feels - to substitute your loneliness.

We were originally different

So let me live like a different one.

 

If you're full of prejudices and arrogance

I'm not the one who's able to reach it.

In the question sounds like

Why do you understand and love y'all

I hope you think about it.

 

I die every day.

This room is full of light and time,

What do I find real in this life -

I have no idea about it.

I just throw up and live a messy life.

Take off your mask and just dance,

If you take your feet off the ground and close your eyes

You’re going to feel this damn relief.

I'm jealous of the way of going back to the world.

 

Don't assume,

I know how I feel when you force me to breathe.

No matter how much you eat or drink

I know what it's like - to be a slave of the sadness.

Hey baby, 

Why don’t you mull this?

Cause this story is mine.

Let's not talk anymore.

 

If you love me

Why won't you leave me alone?

You make a fool out of me

I want to hide in my room again.

 

I'm Hikikomori, Hikikomori

Idle-headed Hikikomori,

Hikikomori,

Sadly, my heart is empty, 

my heart is so empty.

4:44

The heavy weight carried on my two shoulders

nobody know

How scary the mask I use is

For what am I trying so hard to keep on living?

What's left is feeling of guilty and inferior, reality is blocking my throat

For others to judge is so simple

This words I put my heart into isn’t even worth reading to them

Everyone wants only to chase after money and fame

In the very end my lyrics are just trash-letters GO AWAY

Why is everyone looking at me close-mindedly? Whatever I did, 

I tried to walk the world while doing my best

but to them it was just hypocrisy to try to hold my head up with pride

People stare at the young child, after blanky stepping, ripping, and making you fall over

they shamelessly worry for you Heh

Values are surrounded with money their broken compasses

Every night my song is flowing

It’s no use, it is just my confession

Everyone go away, everyone go away

this damned world ,everyone go away

everyone go away ,everyone go away

All these sympathetic stares just go away

everyone go away ,everyone go away

I don’t need love and its likes, everyone go away

everyone go away, everyone go away, everyone go away

Every night I spend my nights lonely with bad thoughts

I don't need anyone to hug me, so I close my mouth tight

with a glass of wine I anesthetize the sadness

Trying to forget all the ignorant people is like empty dust

Just like the pills in my left hand, my love has left me

My familiar hold my two hands tightly so that I won’t fall

I know, I just want to leave the weight of the reality that trapped me and just cry

It seems I need it ,I’m my own refuge, right?

Every night my song is flowing

It’s no use, it is just my confession

I know it I know it I know it I am in need

when you’re the loneliest in this world and having a hard time

I will pat your shoulder so that you can lean on me

but, when I was having a tough time, you dodn't need to take any interest in me

Get far away from me, all the words of comfort are meaningless

Why?

The meaning of ‘wound’ to me, no way ,only to the people full of lies

every night I suffer through nightmares,

Just leave me alone

I’m just doin ma things

Everyone go away

this damned world ,everyone go away

everyone go away ,everyone go away

All these sympathetic stares just go away

everyone go away ,everyone go away

I don’t need love and its likes, 

Everyone go away

Kina's life in a nutshell

Basically what i can concluded about my life and feelings for now.

Self harm is a choice i choose n i dont regret. A failed attempt..

I'm used to be fine with bitter medicine or pills. Now, i attempted suicide through overdose. And it never taste the same anymore. A failed attempts and I hate to swallowing pills more than ever. 

Overwhelmed by pain, I attempted suicide many times despite understand all of the consequences or anything what u will think in many options point of view. 
And I still choose death. But I failed again and hard. A broken pieces breaks into more pieces. Here I am still breathing.

I accept and overcome my despair and sadness. In the depth of bottomness, again I choose to live despite being care about my feelings or other's feelings. I choose to sew my feelings. To live in a nomad life. To be adapt with this world. To be part of this 'normal' society life. I shut down. Again I choose this decision just like what I did for the 1st time in the last 13 years ago. It doesnt matter if i'm not cure or whatever. My purpose is just to finish this life. I'm not one of those 'normal' society. So I never even thought "We live only once, lets enjoy. I wanna achieve everything so i wont regrets. I wanna be happy. I wanna die in a good way. I wanna grow old with love ones. Etc." Never in my mind even wanna be part of this 'normal' society's point of view in life. If they wanna live like that. That's fine for me. But not for me to live like them. Ever since born my thoughts is just thinking about the end of my life. (not suicide or bad thought since i'm just like 4,5 years old🤷‍♀️ baby dont learn suicide that age. But i do learn death at 7 years old. The beginning of learning about death. ) So, at such young age, I just wonder why do I have to live. Why am I living? Can't I just not living? (not in suicidal, bad thoughts) 

Even so, I was young and clueless. Again. I choose to stay alive and see how my life is and trying to learn more n more to understand about my existence, about life, about different perspective in life,etc. So i live. With those thoughts hunted me.

So now, despite all of the experience i've been through. I choose to shut down my feelings again. Despite have a wonderful family support, friends, doctors, cats, any meaningful lessons, especially God. 

Despite improved gradually gets better.

Yes, I choose to sew up my feelings. 

And so, I walk through this days to not care about my feelings. But i'm still human. I cannot deny it forever since I'm the type who's need to express, confessed this burden feelings or I'd be burdened by my own feelings which is kinda annoying my minds. ( That's why i wrote in this blog) Because i already understand keeping my feelings makes me feels much more pain n burden as fak. So, i've learned to expressed my feelings when needed. Excessive expressed feelings is not healthy. Not everything is about me. Balance is really the most important key to learn about world and life. 

I set this in my mind. 

"Despite wanna die and cant die, i will live. But if i cannot handle this overwhelmed feelings anymore then i'll attempt suicide. I choose it to be repeated form. If i failed to die, i'll live forcefully.. After all my aim in life is to end this life not live happily. I just have to survive till God take my life. That's all. And it's also sucks when i understand some people's perspective that, i'm not happy in my current life. I'm enjoying life actually. I still thought i'm lucky in life. I have everything. Family, friends, health, money, pets, God. There's tons of blessing. Maybe bcos i dont show much my blessing. Since i'm kinda shy n felt like showing off.. Better silence the kindness,good deeds is my personality.. it's inevitable. That's why most people thought i'm not happy in current state. 

Despite that, I will adapt myself in the normal society.

Despite the real struggles again n again. Tortured again n again. I'm fine. Even if I'm not fine, nothing can save me except myself. So i'm fine. Even though i seek help, nothing change. It takes times.? Nothing changed. To the point i've set this in my mind. "In the end, it doesnt matter." Nothing is matter. That's why i have to be fine and live like everyone. It's normal. They created this kind of life is normal. They're been programmed to live like this is perfectly normal. So yes. I'll choose to live in this 'normal' life that most of the trillions people choose to live. We all have been through struggles. So the only way is to shut up n live. Move on n live. Solve it n move on. Feelings is just a feelings. Nothing more. Is what i've been told. So fine. I'll live like a robot. Like i always been done during the past 13 years ago.. Again i choose this decision. So, no one fault. No one is triggering me. Like i said, i'm learning. And i choose to adapt just so i can die later.

Tired is not an option. I'm fine!

Don't cry, no one cares. People only care out of jealous when we smile. Or just genuine be happy for us. Happy for a soul that doesnt even happy with her existence. Haha. No. I'm fine. Thank you.

Welp, that's all i can share for now. Some story aren't made to be told. And my worst personality traits is m a n i p u l a t i n g .

Though this story is legit. So dont worry.

-kina-

Locked

I can't entrust myself to anyone

Look, you don't see anything

The light shining down vanishing wither 

The things that i cant admit

My weakness

My past

even though i can get what i want

Surely the kindness, i'm holding onto with my hands, will disappear

My heart is locked

It is about to break to pieces

I keep in the tears

I laugh every day

My heart has shown me that there is no reason to trust

What killed me..

were those hypocrites

Even though I can get what I want

surely the kindness I'm holding will disappear

The common answer to living is that when you die, you will ll start all over again and move on

My heart is locked 

It's about to fall

I keep in this tears

I scream everyday

My heart left me the strength to trust that there is a reason 

What killed me..

Was my own very heart.