Kina's life in a nutshell

Basically what i can concluded about my life and feelings for now.

Self harm is a choice i choose n i dont regret. A failed attempt..

I'm used to be fine with bitter medicine or pills. Now, i attempted suicide through overdose. And it never taste the same anymore. A failed attempts and I hate to swallowing pills more than ever. 

Overwhelmed by pain, I attempted suicide many times despite understand all of the consequences or anything what u will think in many options point of view. 
And I still choose death. But I failed again and hard. A broken pieces breaks into more pieces. Here I am still breathing.

I accept and overcome my despair and sadness. In the depth of bottomness, again I choose to live despite being care about my feelings or other's feelings. I choose to sew my feelings. To live in a nomad life. To be adapt with this world. To be part of this 'normal' society life. I shut down. Again I choose this decision just like what I did for the 1st time in the last 13 years ago. It doesnt matter if i'm not cure or whatever. My purpose is just to finish this life. I'm not one of those 'normal' society. So I never even thought "We live only once, lets enjoy. I wanna achieve everything so i wont regrets. I wanna be happy. I wanna die in a good way. I wanna grow old with love ones. Etc." Never in my mind even wanna be part of this 'normal' society's point of view in life. If they wanna live like that. That's fine for me. But not for me to live like them. Ever since born my thoughts is just thinking about the end of my life. (not suicide or bad thought since i'm just like 4,5 years old🤷‍♀️ baby dont learn suicide that age. But i do learn death at 7 years old. The beginning of learning about death. ) So, at such young age, I just wonder why do I have to live. Why am I living? Can't I just not living? (not in suicidal, bad thoughts) 

Even so, I was young and clueless. Again. I choose to stay alive and see how my life is and trying to learn more n more to understand about my existence, about life, about different perspective in life,etc. So i live. With those thoughts hunted me.

So now, despite all of the experience i've been through. I choose to shut down my feelings again. Despite have a wonderful family support, friends, doctors, cats, any meaningful lessons, especially God. 

Despite improved gradually gets better.

Yes, I choose to sew up my feelings. 

And so, I walk through this days to not care about my feelings. But i'm still human. I cannot deny it forever since I'm the type who's need to express, confessed this burden feelings or I'd be burdened by my own feelings which is kinda annoying my minds. ( That's why i wrote in this blog) Because i already understand keeping my feelings makes me feels much more pain n burden as fak. So, i've learned to expressed my feelings when needed. Excessive expressed feelings is not healthy. Not everything is about me. Balance is really the most important key to learn about world and life. 

I set this in my mind. 

"Despite wanna die and cant die, i will live. But if i cannot handle this overwhelmed feelings anymore then i'll attempt suicide. I choose it to be repeated form. If i failed to die, i'll live forcefully.. After all my aim in life is to end this life not live happily. I just have to survive till God take my life. That's all. And it's also sucks when i understand some people's perspective that, i'm not happy in my current life. I'm enjoying life actually. I still thought i'm lucky in life. I have everything. Family, friends, health, money, pets, God. There's tons of blessing. Maybe bcos i dont show much my blessing. Since i'm kinda shy n felt like showing off.. Better silence the kindness,good deeds is my personality.. it's inevitable. That's why most people thought i'm not happy in current state. 

Despite that, I will adapt myself in the normal society.

Despite the real struggles again n again. Tortured again n again. I'm fine. Even if I'm not fine, nothing can save me except myself. So i'm fine. Even though i seek help, nothing change. It takes times.? Nothing changed. To the point i've set this in my mind. "In the end, it doesnt matter." Nothing is matter. That's why i have to be fine and live like everyone. It's normal. They created this kind of life is normal. They're been programmed to live like this is perfectly normal. So yes. I'll choose to live in this 'normal' life that most of the trillions people choose to live. We all have been through struggles. So the only way is to shut up n live. Move on n live. Solve it n move on. Feelings is just a feelings. Nothing more. Is what i've been told. So fine. I'll live like a robot. Like i always been done during the past 13 years ago.. Again i choose this decision. So, no one fault. No one is triggering me. Like i said, i'm learning. And i choose to adapt just so i can die later.

Tired is not an option. I'm fine!

Don't cry, no one cares. People only care out of jealous when we smile. Or just genuine be happy for us. Happy for a soul that doesnt even happy with her existence. Haha. No. I'm fine. Thank you.

Welp, that's all i can share for now. Some story aren't made to be told. And my worst personality traits is m a n i p u l a t i n g .

Though this story is legit. So dont worry.

-kina-