Getting better

Hey, i'm getting better and better than before. I joined a Taekwondo club. I've always wanted to join. But in my past, everything is a mess up. Now, my life seems to be stable than before, I'm even clean from doing stupid things. lol. For 7 days. Still fighting but hey. Better keep fighting and never give up. Though i don't want to have any hope to recovery. But now i'm trying to the hardest. So, Taekwondo training was so fucking hard and exhausted. I've died for 3,4 times while training. I actually noticed why people wanted to quit Taekwondo. Bcos it's difficult to do. It's fucking difficult to do for me too. Yet, for the 1st time in my life. I found peace. PEACE. I actually found peace. Things that I've been looking for in this life. So I decided to not quit eve though the training is hard as fuck. Seriously, the hardest part is training. It's hard,difficult,complicated technique,skills and tiring till death. It's all are temporary. It's just for a while that exhausted dying training. After that, i feel relieved. My anger are fade. My unstable emotions are disappeared. I find peace in my mind. I'm so grateful about that. Because of that I can overcome my daily struggles. Especially when I'm with my family. My mentality have become stronger, Maybe lol. I'm actually enjoyed living. This life. This struggle. I accept it. I don't overthinking, I don't feel suicidal or depressed. Or being sensitive at trivial things. In fact, I fight it. OMG I'm so grateful. All I ever wanted is everything to be OK. That's all. I don't need happiness nor sadness. I just want normal. What I mean is 'Normal' to me. We all have different view in 'Normal'. So yeah. My normal life now is better than before. If I got triggered, I actually ignore it and overcome it. I do not wield my 'sword'. Alas, I've been using it quit frequent..It's sharper than any blades I have. One cut can actually make me severe injured. That's why I'm grateful that I can take care of my suicidal desire. I don't want to use that blade if I can. But things keep repeated, so do I. I might repeated this actions. Anyway, bloody final exams is around the corner. I'm going to die. lol since there's many hard subjects and mostly because I'm STUPID AS FUCK. But I have to accepted it and keep trying my best. Because that's the only thing I can do so I won't feel regrets and blame myself more. Bye.