*sigh
I wanna change and yes i do change slowly...
But.. for me to keep it for a long time is still difficult as fuck. Every time i failed n tried again. And when i'm tired, i rest. But, seems like it doesn't work for me. As long as i'm breathing. I can't live. I'm so sorry.. i can't stand another day...... i just prefer to die than living. Religion aren't the fault. It's just me. Since born, this thought of 'why i'm existed when i don't want to exist anymore' is haunting me. It's not from a family problem. It's not a fault from my mother's attempts... It's just me... Since young, since i'm starting to growing up. Those darkness which doesn't want to reach the light. Is always me n my thoughts alone. No one fault but me. God just created me. I'm the one who created this other side of me. I'm too ashamed to confess. I'm sorry for being like this but beind like this also taught me to be who am i today. I have good n bad side. I'm balance. But i, myself choose the dark path. I do not seek light. Not because of ego or stubborness. It's is just me. That is my side. That is me. As usually it is difficult to understand to people who is not in my level but i hope you know that it's no one fault. And i don't need anyone help. I do need help sometimes. But to stand up facing my other side, i'll face it alone.
I've never been interested in living but i'm interested in lessons. Especially painful lessons. That's why. I choose to step into depression. But it's not enough that's why i step deeper into borderline personallity. It's ok to not understand cuz it's seems bullshit. I ain't waste my feelings n thoughts to convince you anymore. Whatever. This is my fight and i choose to fight it alone. Cuz yeah ur help is basically useless & pathetic.
Cuz you aren't even in the same world like me.. so💁💁 i hope it offense ur damn feelings. Anyway~ i end up break myself more by seeking knowledge, things beyond than my limit. That's why i'm like this. It already happened and i cannot change to be more healthier or living properly anymore. I can tolerate but like i said, it doesn't last 'forever'. That's all.
Now like always i just feel tired. That maybe suicide is the great escape. But i also know it is not. Though i dont care about hell n heaven concept. Still, i do believe Allah. Haha another difficult thing to understand? Lolz
Thus, i choose to live while waiting to death, changing into a better person in my own pace.
It's just sometimes, i forgot and let myself drowned in anguish~
Because of what? Because I'm still a human.
And you all too. So, love urselves is the roots of anything to grow in ur life.
If u dont love urselves, u already lose to the life.
28 june 19
