This is Kina's story. 2019.

Runaway from reality

I hid in a dream

If only dream last forever

And live in a world of fantasy

Where I can attempted suicide without care about death or any consequences

And I can slit my throat many times

Until I got bore or attempts many aesthetic death

How beautiful it is

To have no boundary

To have no God

And just live like a god

Oh my, it's just a dream

A sinful dream

I'm aware of the madness in my head

Yet I wanna remind, someone's are madder than me

The ideal of this ominous thoughts got created through my life's experience

Yet all people want is to blame me and my mind

It hurts so much that I don't care

I wanna be what I want

To be selfish

To not be in a society cycle

To not be a God's puppet

To not be a robot and just be a sinful human yet with manners 

I still hate hindering problems

That's why my sanity is still sane

Despite pain and self sabotage

Here I am dancing around gracefully

Just to waiting for God to end my breath

I have no grudge

Even if I have, that's how the world and human's function is

Without it being existed

I would not have any bad feelings toward everyone and everything

God makes me to feel like that

That's the point of being human

But when I stop being anything

I don't keep any hate

Even though I act as if I hate the world and everyone nor God.

It's all because I'm a human being created to be like that. To feel like that.

When I'm back to reality,

I feel lost

Much more lost than mentally depressed

Life cycle is so stressful that I thought 

why not be ill physically and disfunction physically forever?

Just so I won't be part of the society

I am having a severe disease

But asking help doesn't resonate any hope

Never have been.

That's why all I need to do is hide and live to the fullest 

Yet it aren't as simple as it used to be

Just like I said, the reality stopped me

From dancing

To the point I started to walk with my head drop

Without any care or feel any sort of life in this heart

I stop walking

And that what I was said

I feel lost

Where do I go?

Why do I need to walk?

Can I just cut my feet?

Just so I won't get pressure by it?

And that is my reality for now

I tried to walk again slowly

Step by step, again and again

Life just aren't work for me anymore

And I decide to be like that

I close my mind

I close my heart

I learn and close the opportunity to improve

Because despite all of that

I feel nothing good nor better

It just nothing

It's just got filled by pain more and rapidly than it should be

That's why I should close it

Stop this

Remove toxic

Huging myself only

Appreciate myself worth

And dance gracefully

That's why,

A sweet dreams is better

If oneday my brain finally accept to be in a deep sleep

I don't need any sympathy

And please just let me die

Sleep forever

Awake torture me more than dreams

My dream is to dream 

Closing my eye

With an open heart

I feel peaceful

The purpose that I seek

Just like my name

"Peace"

And I feel peaceful to end my life through dreams

Death is my favorite words

That's why I will appreciate death more than usual

Death is part of me

Death is fearful yet enthusiastic feelings

When I nearly faced death when I was a kid

I started to understand more and death taught me a lot of lessons

The struggles and experiences is an absolute lessons to learn

It taught you the next step of surviving in life or it will taught you to give up and accept death

Both are the perfect combination of wisdom

And I feel blessed

Till the point I realized that a great ability have a great responsibility

I was shocked when I was faced the first time responsibility

It created who I am now

How my mind works

It manipulated my brain and my ideals

There's no turning back

That's why let's just end this life

But God won't let it

He can gasp my life anytime

I feel so afraid of death to the point that I should have fucking die

God won't let me die yet

And He knows more the fact and reason why I will not obeyed Him in a certain aspects

Don't forget I'm still a human

I break His laws sometimes too and repeat it

I'm aware and so does He

He also knows I'm still trying my best more than you fucking judgemental do

So fuck off nicely, I ask

Those whose toxic, 

I'll fucking cut you pieces to pieces 

Even if you did nothing, then you are also nothing to me

I'll be fucking in charge of my fucking life

I live for the purpose to die

If you disagree then fuck off

Or I'll be the one fucking off

Stupid sympathy supporters is no needed

The worst kind of trash ever

Fuck off or I will make you feel the dark droplets of fucking deep depression where there's no recovery

And that is when I started to dance hysterically and laughed

Hahaha

Is what my life is now

I dance followed the flows

And create my own flows sometimes

I dance in a black rain

And I feel rebound my fate again

I dance in the depth despair

And I feel whole to the point it feels tickles as fuck

Haha~~

This is where I said

Welcome to world of Kina, the goddess of madness

This is Kina's story. 2019.