My feelings update

I always thought that no matter what, no matter how painful, suffer, grief I had n will experience in future... I will always thought. It's fine. I will somehow survive again and again until I rot. There's a greater pain, more torturing pain out there. So, I'm fine just the way I am now.

I always reminded myself again n again.

Today I forgot.  Again.

I ask myself, why do i have to live?

Why do i need to remain loyal to god when in then end i will still go to hell? I dont care about the hell. The problem is now. 

If i kill myself, i'd go to hell.

If i live n die by His hand, i'll still go to hell bcos of my ego which wont repent.

The punishment fears me more. God's power fierce me. I'm powerless, a mere slaves. His slave. An ignorant and disobeying His order. So what's the point? Why I havent kill myself?

Because i'm not brave enough to kill myself, again n again. I believe in hell n pain. The painful afterlife which cant be changed once i'm dead. The forever pain. Trapped n suffering. Is that all for me in this existence? I as a human creation, makes me think i should repent. I should be slave. That's how simple Islam is. Yet still difficult for me. My ego is so big n annoying me to the point 'ah death can stop this stupid personality i have. My stubbornness. Why not just end it. At least i can stop hurting God" it's full of bullshit thinking right? I guess so. though, when i had lived this suffering mind together, everyday struggling. I just thought, why not. At least it 'end' for awhile. For now. A choice to choose. A decision.

And again. Just like as I planned since the 1st time i existed in this world.

Everything is according to the plan.

Now I'm just waiting.

Following my plan. 

It's just, I forgot since I always reset my life everyday.. 

*sigh

Darkness, heart bruising

If you look at the day when my tears fell

(It hurts)

Will you go away? Will I go away from you?

Will u stay by my side as I fall and cried insanely

Doubting my own sanity everyday

Controlling and being controlled by darkness

Can u be the light?

Do u think u can reach ur hand to me?

Can u hold tightly a broken glass?

Will u not bleed?

Will u also leave me and me alone suffering?

(It hurts)

It challenged my sanity 

My sanity

Again & again

How long will I be able to hold it

With a smile..🙂

Until I've lost my sanity.

Alas, I've lost my sanity. My believes.

So, what's holding me back?

It's 'the time.'

It's not 'the time' yet.

Everything should be according to the plan.