Friday 13th January 2017 (i feel so lonelyyyyy..........)

U know.. i'm trying to get well..
I do improved slowly... My problems with my sister somehow have lifted burden on my shoulder.. My heart are kinda ok with her~ but now... sigh.. the problem is.. now i feel my old 'loneliness' which is my heart are so fragile and sensitive that even tiny painful feelings can effect and hurt me a lot... to the point that i've lost my rational way of thinking... i'll burst into anger,mad at myself.. suicidal thoughts~ but i try to not cut my wrist.. Alas, i hurt myself by puncing hard things,playing with scissors, well i use rubber band to snap my wrist rather than cutting... but i guess.. i snap many times to the point where my wrist are blue black and bleed a bit... hmmm when i can't control my anger n do stupid things... that time... i didnt feel pain... so.. yeah... no wonder my wrist are hurting as fuck now bcos i'm rational now... lol *sigh* also i think i'm chicken out about trying to confessed my bpd depression to my family... i managed to confess to my sister... but yeah... i do feel...hmm.. weight lifting a bit... but yeah... LIFE ARE STILL FUCKING SAME! And i'm still struggling to live....sighhhh
I wanna just FUCKING tell my BPD to my FUCKING family... but i guess i'm too pussy! fuck! urghhhh... yeah i know it takes time to tell them and i should a bit, calm myself,etc... but while i'm doing that... i'll always struggling everyday to cope my suicidal thoughts n behavior............
Bpd are sucks.. i cannot control my weird emotions anymore... 1 sec i was happy,1 sec i was sad, 1 sec i was angry .... And POF! EXPLODE! i destroyed my wrist~ yeah yeah... now i feel so FUCKING lonelyyyyy.......... my pets seems... nothing much... just a pets... i still feel lonelyyyyy.......... so yeah now i'm jelly to couple people who's can cuddle each other on bed at night.. while here i am having insomnia and sleeps at 10a.m.... sigh.... Suffering alone.... I thought of having a bf... but... sigh...  i'm the type who's very serious in relationship... but i dont wanna marry... so that's one of my complicated feelings... urghhhh...