Friday 13th January 2017 (i feel so lonelyyyyy..........)

U know.. i'm trying to get well..
I do improved slowly... My problems with my sister somehow have lifted burden on my shoulder.. My heart are kinda ok with her~ but now... sigh.. the problem is.. now i feel my old 'loneliness' which is my heart are so fragile and sensitive that even tiny painful feelings can effect and hurt me a lot... to the point that i've lost my rational way of thinking... i'll burst into anger,mad at myself.. suicidal thoughts~ but i try to not cut my wrist.. Alas, i hurt myself by puncing hard things,playing with scissors, well i use rubber band to snap my wrist rather than cutting... but i guess.. i snap many times to the point where my wrist are blue black and bleed a bit... hmmm when i can't control my anger n do stupid things... that time... i didnt feel pain... so.. yeah... no wonder my wrist are hurting as fuck now bcos i'm rational now... lol *sigh* also i think i'm chicken out about trying to confessed my bpd depression to my family... i managed to confess to my sister... but yeah... i do feel...hmm.. weight lifting a bit... but yeah... LIFE ARE STILL FUCKING SAME! And i'm still struggling to live....sighhhh
I wanna just FUCKING tell my BPD to my FUCKING family... but i guess i'm too pussy! fuck! urghhhh... yeah i know it takes time to tell them and i should a bit, calm myself,etc... but while i'm doing that... i'll always struggling everyday to cope my suicidal thoughts n behavior............
Bpd are sucks.. i cannot control my weird emotions anymore... 1 sec i was happy,1 sec i was sad, 1 sec i was angry .... And POF! EXPLODE! i destroyed my wrist~ yeah yeah... now i feel so FUCKING lonelyyyyy.......... my pets seems... nothing much... just a pets... i still feel lonelyyyyy.......... so yeah now i'm jelly to couple people who's can cuddle each other on bed at night.. while here i am having insomnia and sleeps at 10a.m.... sigh.... Suffering alone.... I thought of having a bf... but... sigh...  i'm the type who's very serious in relationship... but i dont wanna marry... so that's one of my complicated feelings... urghhhh...

KINAYUME : CATS + Family❤

Do i choosed a wrong decision?
Am i making a mistake?
Is this a mistake?
I thought at 1st... buying pets would discard my loneliness... It does work that time! Then... They've become more naughty.. Now having 4 cats means 4 times trouble.... I commit sins..  I make more sins when they're exist here.... I dont feel at home anymore because of them... In fact I despise home now... Home (meh... not) & my bed would makes me feel comfortable... and a little happy... NOW I CANNOT SEE ANYTHING OR A LITTLE HAPPY AT ALL!
I should never bought the male cat! Fuck him... Cute? All pets cute? So what? Why when about cats, humans become delusional? I mean... if it's a man who's cute on outside but shitty personality.. Peoole hate that RIGHT? I SEE NO DIFFERENT IN CATS! The fucking male fools humans with 'cute' & shits,pee all over, destroyed everything, mumblingg, obsessed with sex! My female cat already give a birth n pregnant again.. And the fucking male don't Fucking care and Horny As Fuck! ALSO AS FUCK AS THE MALE WANNA FUCK HIS DAUGHTER!! WTF!? DISGUSTING!! FREAK! Lol... I literally don't care much.... I just hate that it's actually a big burden for me... Not burden of taking care of them... I know it's my responsibility... But it's a burden for me.... Things that i create to make me have a reasons to live actually more into making me suicidal... Get it? I wanna create a love but in the end, that love are the cause me wanna die so badly bcos it's not their the fault.. it's me.. I'm the one who create a new pain.. I'm the cause... Urghh so hard to explain n use proper words to describe this feelings.....

But i do learn this earlier..Hmmm... In the movie shows... There's this pirates.. There's a prophesy saying that he'd be killed by a man with one leg within 1 month.. So of course he wanna live... He heard a rumors about live eternally n young stories that are spreading... So he went there for living...
In the end he died n got killed by the 1 leg man..

My point here are.... Prophesy said he'll be killed by a man... My point is... If he doesnt trying to make a decision to fighting for his live... He's actually can live... duh.. It's like... sometimes.... Things that's been fated to happen n u want to change it... Isn't good.. It's a trick to make u wanna fighting for ur life n fallen into the 'fate' trap... U understand? Lol... Sometimes things that u're fighting for are not worthy..  U know that life are full of tricks... So dont easily falled into the tricks..

Back to kitty... lel.... They... make me regret... They're the another new reasons for me to die~ yayyy! Urghhh.... Idk... Why the fuck did I think to bought a pets... To accompany me? Hell no... :v lol Ohh... I remember... It's to make me to create love in my heart... Well this have gone wrong... lol Shit... I'm brat at that time... Thinking that pets can actually save my life... Oh.. they did... but only that time.. now they're in the reasons list of wanna die... lol That's great............ *sigh* I just want to cheer up this broken family... Yeah yeahh this family can never be saved... Fine.. but if I give up.. That just... THAT.... nothing happen... Well now shitty things do happened and now myself getting worsen... Oh shit... Oh shit... Oh shit... Earlier before I fucking cry like a bitch...  Like always... trying to listening to jrock... Oh fuck... nothing happen to me.. I dont feel jrock anymore... Jrock songs cannot save me from triggering... lol They're useless now... Urghhh.... I have no intererest in anything again.... Sad fucking life... Oh then, I started bitching crying,hurting myself... and overthinking~~~ :v bla bla bla Ohhh then I thought... what's the reasons for me to suddenly feels so fucked up? Hmmm~~ Is bcos Cats? My sister? My 3rd bro? Me? xD Haha~ God? Then triggered when I look at Al-Quran... Oh shits.... Cries.... I feel so guilty... Then LIKE ALWAYS~ Trying to asked for His forgiveness since i've commited many sins :-/ And started to blame myself... All about me... I'm the problem shitsss...! I should just die! Die! I WANNA DIE! DIE! I WANNA DIE! I GUESS THIS IS HOW'S BPD LIFE IS! I WANNA SELF HARM SO BADLY! But i can't cuts as much as yesterday since yesterday wounds doesnt heal yet... So many scars☆ Then I become more unstable~ wuwuwuwuwu~ I try to cut my right wrist... I cut... Then I was like... Whoa! Whoa! Bitch! U ain't gonna cut ur right wrist! Enough with one! Bitch! That time i was watching,hear MEJIBRAY - KILLING ME video... Then After Tsuzuku's SCREAMSSSSSS,GROWLLLL,SCREAMMMMMSSS WITH ALL HIS MIGHT!!!!! My heart feels so lighten~ So i stopped self harm n back to normal life.. My eye do seems swollen xD hahhaha I'n still a brats... Really? Lol Bye! I'm gonna try sleeps... My insomnia have gone worst when I started to broken again... haha :v gooood nite~

KINAYUME : 3RD BRO + FAMILY GRUDGE

How can i help my family when they're already steps forward in hell like me... I want to help them.. I guess, It is too late..
3rd bro..
i already know his sins. I dont mind bcos that's his relation with God... He will receive the consequences.. I too have done sins...
But I think his actions is too much since it's can related to all family member and the others,the surrounding.... it's too risky...
Is he idiots or what? I know he's an idiot for doing it.. but seriously it will just be a burden you know... A big burden... Just for satisfying his big lust? Pfft... Who am I too judge? Let God judge him... But like I said... Is it too late to save him? I guess he's too arrogant stubborn to accept some advice especially from a brat like me? Pfftt i'm matured enough than you... I guess it's normal.. This generation that have went beyond and doing many wrong things..
So i've had a deep talk with a friends who's have matured n open thoughts~ not Everyone in my life are that matured... most are aged but minds are still a brat... so immature,stupid,innocent.... Bcos of that they'll started judged... So it's hard to find people who have a matured mind like me... I do feel better after discussed with my friend. Lol
Somehow i hope for the best for my brother. I dont hope for the best for me. I know after this big step he take in life. He'll forget me like the other brothers. They'll have ne responsibility... Well i dont need their sympathy though... ESPECIALLY MY FUCKING SISTER! She think for my good.. Do I fucking care about my own good? Don't make 'taking care of me' as an excuse for your god damn marriage...! Go find a man! U cant forget ur ex? Find! Go fucking fuck him! Urghhh...... It's annoying.. Using me as excuse... Also using my late mother as an excuse too... "so that ur mom won't cry" FUCK! SO U WOULD NOT LET HER CRY SUFFERING BUT U CAN TORTURE ME TILL I CRY EVERYDAY AND WISHING TO DIE!?!? WELL FUCK THAT! IDK WHO LOVE ME OR NOT! BCOS I DON'T FUCKING FEEL ANY LOVE! UR WAY OF LOVE ARE FUCKED UP ME! FUCKING SHITS TO U ALL WHO ONLY CARED ABOUT URSELF AND LATE MOTHER!!
OH SORRY FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE AND BEING UNGRATEFUL BITCH! I AM UNGRATEFUL! SO LET ME DIE ALONE!
OH WAIT.... U DID LET ME DIE ALONE!!
You guys have been ignorant BASTARD!
I've tried to FUCKING SUICIDE MANY TIMESS!!! YET NONE OF U NOTICE ANY FUCKING THING? Well dont notice... it'll become a burden and more trigger for me SINCE UR THOUGHTS ARE FULL OF JUDGEMENTAL BITCH!!! IMMATURE MIND!! Religion doesn't have anything to do with it...! WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH!!?? WHO DO U FUCKING THINK THIS MENTAL HEALTH COME FROM?? I'm Not straight born to have mental health.....!!! Oh wait... I do was born to be beating by My father! Yeahhh!! HE BEAT ALL OF US TILL HALF OF DEATH! AND HERE HE IS STILL ALIVE WITH HIS FURY SHITTY AND BEATING MY SISTER! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO BEATING PEOPLE FOR FUN!!? FUCK U! ROOT IN HELL AND DIE!! YOU ALL SHOULD JUST DIE! If you're afraid of 'sins' bcos of religion... Have u ever think about sins that u all make me SUFFERING??? IT'S ALL BCOS OF YOU! BCOS OF U ALL! I DON'T BELIEVE HOPE! LOVE! ONLY PAIN I BELIEVED!! PAIN! PAIN! PAIN! CRY! CRY! CRY! SELF HARM! SELF HARM! SELF HARM! and acting as if nothing happened... Wow.... Just WOWW.... I wonder how long can I faking myself? Till I truly die? Hahaahaahahahahahahahaha
I hope so... So U all would feel burden..
I'll left suicide not that I'll blame all of you!!!

KINAYUME : If only I have passionate on something...

I want to be a Cosplayer. But I have no money to buy costumes... I have money.. but to waste on Cosplay aren't worthy for me..It's expansive as fuck... Buying new and new costumes.. Also with accessories,contact lenses,make up,shoes.... Since I supported myself without family's money. I literally saved up my money since I was 10 years old. Well that money won't be increase but decreased.. I don't have any income.. I need to work but I'm already busy with college..
Oneday, I fallen in love in longboard. So I buy it.. I want to learn longboard tricks but I'm terrible at it... I know I need to practice more and more.. But I have no time. With busy college life. I'm also stupid. No matter how smart or hard I studied.. The results just aren't enough.. I don't mind though.. I'm already grateful I've passed the exams. Lastly I'm now fighting my mental issues... So.. many things happening in my life.. That I cannot breath properly anymore.. Yeah seems like an excuse... The point is.. No matter what I do.. It just will end up bad. So bad that it fucked up me.. lol
I want... to at least have 1 thing that I'm passionate about... 1 thing that I was born with it... 1 thing that I'm fucking good at it... urghhhh

KINAYUME : This Life

" That kind of future feels so... Empty... "

" What if I kill myself? "

That kind of thoughts..Everyday, every night, every seconds, minutes,hours...

You know, I once a girl that live suffering but have no desire to die..

Until I was 17.. After I graduate from High school. I started to realized many things..

Pain,Loneliness,Sadness,Grief,Anguish,Darkness and more.... This feelings that I've received.. So many things that happened to me... Having a terrible family is sucks.. Everyone have a bad family too.. 

Is it an enough excuse for me to suicide? haha

When I stood at the train's platform, I'm not brave enough to throw myself from the platform. But I could stand here. And someone might bump me in front of the train...

It's not like I really want to kill myself. It's just... I don't want to keep on living either. I wonder if someone will really push me?

SELF HARM

Worst idea? stupid things to do? haha.. I never thought to die until.. My family makes me thought of suicide for real.. I'm a coward you see.. I'm afraid. That's why I'm still living? haha.. Cutting wrist hurts? Not at all.. I cut slightly..Somehow it's grow bigger and deeper. So, my wrist are full of ugly scars... I decided to stop doing it after a year, or else I wouldn't wear any short sleeves, but that didn't happen. I thought I'd able to stop once I got into College. I thought I'd have fun there.. But, every time I went back home.. Bad things happened again and again.. It's like a cycle and keep repeating. I started wishing I would die, and before I realized it, I cut myself all over.. Razor,knife,needles,scissors.. any sharp things will do. Even my nails and also my cat's scratches. Yes, I always used excuse that cat scratches. Haha.. 

Didn't you cut yourself to live!!?

Death is not THE END... It's the BEGINNING.

There are some people who say, 

" No matter how hard things are at the moment, Time will pass and everything will work out just fine. There's no need to stress. " 

But how long do we have to wait?

They tell us, "When you're sad and hurt, Just remember the good times you've had. "

But what about the people who never have any good times in their lives? 

For people who have had nothing but problems, dying is much more easier than lying.

"Yeah, I want to be set free from this pain. "

I walk and walk but all I can see is Darkness. Hey, is suicide the exit out of the Long Tunnel of Pain?

Isn't death the only thing that can save lives?

"People always say ' I want to die, I want to die,' But they never do it. Because they can't. "  

People like this makes us suicidal want to prove this through actions. 

When I Self harm, I saw a fat that inside the wounds. My white flesh has shown itself. It's kind of like fried chicken from KFC.. Like raw corn..(lol) My blood is pouring out. Wow, it's coming out fast. It comes out faster when my heart beats. Thump Thump.. Ah.. My blood is warm. And it smells. It smells like a new coins. (lol)

After that, I felt like I was sinking.. Slowly, slowly into a pitch black sea... 

People who attempt suicide know that they shouldn't, but they are compelled to anyway. They usually display some signs before they actually attempt suicide. They might say things like, " No one accepts me" or  "people treat me like a burden" They feel lonely. They feel trapped, because they don't want to do anything. They think they can't do anything. The feel depressed because they have no hope for the future. Those kinds of negative emotions are drive them to the edge. 

I can't believed I had the courage to cut my wrist and still didn't die.

It was nothing like giving blood. It was like all the blood in my body rushed right onto the floor and poured out all at once. And it didn't hurt at all.

The moment I decided to kill myself, all my troubles dissolved into thin air. It felt so good that I could die like that. You know for having a self harm friends too. They say wanting to commit suicide is contagious, i guess it's true. 

I had a thought. A way to die.. That even simpler,better and quicker.. Poison. I heard about this case someone who wanted to commit suicide bought poison over the internet, and when he drank it, he really died. That poison are called CYANIDE.. 

I want to die. I have to die soon. Before I die in some meaningless way.. Before I become crappy adults... But you know.. This feelings.. Of wanting to die.. But saying to die and actually doing it are two different things. But slitting my wrist for the first time felt so nice. " I don't really want to die, I having fun pretending I'm really going to kill myself.. " But I really did want to die. Until I can actually go through with killing myself, in going to be struck in this world.., I wonder if I've gotten scared of dying. 

I get it now... This kind of day is going to repeat itself over and over for as long as I live. But just one step... And I could destroy myself and the people around me. 

That day when I slit my wrist for real, I want my family to suffer for the rest of their life. Because the thing they're worries about most is how they looks in the eyes of society. At the end of every crappy day, I wished that tomorrow would never come. There's no reason to keep on living. That's right/ What am I waiting for? What's waiting for me if I go back? I might as well die. Being nice to people.. Being able to laugh with all your heart.. Appreciating the beauty of the city and sky.. It's the final happiness. There's no more reason left for me to hesitate. It'll be simple for me to open the door to the World of Death.. 

Sometimes, my ears start ringing, and I can hear a voice. It tells me " It's all right to die. " Can you hear it? "It's all right to die." "It's alright to die"

If I cut my wrist, it won't hurt. It'll be just like falling asleep, drunk from the smell of my own blood as I feel it's warmth. If that's what "DEATH" is.. I'm not afraid.. 

People who cut their wrist or hang themselves are smart. They die alone in one clean shot. What are we compared to that? Why did we have a last meal and eat whatever we wanted? I just want to die peacefully and beautifully. it's naive to think that dying alone would be lonely. A suicide that ends in failure is nothing to boast about. 

I felt so drained.. Like I lost all my energy. 

People commit suicide.

Suicide are worthless. It doesn't leave anything behind. It doesn't change anything! You can't start over. You can't feel anything as just a soul. There's nothing. Suicide is just a person escaping from this world without even getting back at the people  who made her kill herself in the first place. 

That's all..  

Does life have meaning?

They say life is heavy, but what does that mean?

They say that it's "heavier than the earth," but that doesn't really say much.. I've heard a lot of different people's opinions on the meaning of life, but.. I want an answer I can believe in. 

Listen. In the first place before suicidal thoughts. What did you want to do? Try to remember it. 

For me, I want to make friends, it didn't have to be a lot.. I want to live in japan, I want to learn many skateboard skills.. There are things that you want to do. OK. Try one more time. Starting today, just try one more time to make that image of yourself a reality. Of course, it won't be that simple. You'll get frustrated and you'll lose confidence sometimes. And there will probably be times when you'll get bored, and you'll worry about the future. When that happens, all you have to do is just stare at the ceiling for a while.. I can't say it very well either, but.. I want you to live. As long you're alive that's enough. 

"Is this suicide?" 

When I was about to fall from the roof, that was the first time I really felt "Death." Every time I faced Death, I felt an attachment to "Life" and "Hope" welled up inside me. What should I do. What do I want to do? It's too troublesome to live... I do not know. We might not have a reason to live. But surely our tomorrow, our future.. Won't come unless we create it/ LIVE! I know.. My,our wounds will not disappear. But pain and fear, there was nothing else.. And I realized that my heart would never heal by doing that. 

It's the moment you lose all hope. Suicide isn't simple. And it isn't brave. The moment you kill yourself isn't the moment you decide to go through with it. When I locked down, when I was going to fall. I was scared, I didn't want to die. That might be the weight of life. When I was going to test the Cyanide.. I was scared and it felt so wrong. When I think about a meaning of life, I can come up with a millions answers. But I can't truly believe in a single one of them. Suicide is pretty lame, but so is life sometimes. That's probably just the way it is. Right? But, I've decided that no matter what, I'll believe in the future. I'll fight no matter how painful it is. Yeah... I'll take it slow. 

If I just keep focusing on the me. I want to be, I'm sure I'll get closer and closer. I'll just take it one day at a time. A courage to live..