Don't read this. (lol)

 The feelings i have feel now.. I keep thinking that i always trying to give a hint to people that i have mental problem.. Well the problem is they will choose to ignore it and live like nothing happened or live and knowing my mental health yet nothing can be changed.. So i was wondering.. People like us can never be saved. I have made a decision about that kind of thinking since i watched a movie tittle "SPLIT" about 24 personality. Yes, that movie made me cry hard.. it's painful.. People with mental illness like me can never be cured. We will never know what is happiness nor peaceful.. Everyday our mind can trick us. What we can do is just pretending nothing happened.. Yet i'm very bad at controlling myself now.. Feeling suicidal everyday is not a joke,, U decided what is your next move. To change your life and never give up or live it and feel trapped and suffered alone..

 You know what, i've just finished my semester 3 and now having semester break for 2 months.. HAHAHAHAHAHA i've already lose my mind on 2 days before entering this month break.. Now is like 2 april which i've already lose my mind... Still have sanity cuz i'm in a self recovery. That's good. If you suffered and truly want to stop this.. You can stopped it if u made a choice.. A serious change to change your life.. But well.. You need to figured out ur way to surpassed this fucking pain you've suffered.. Well for me, i seek many people's advice.. I friend with many mental health.. which is a burdened me cuz yeah they're my friends of course  if they are suffering i'd get worried cuz we know how painful it is... Also i'm looking many people's matured and opened mind.. See their point of view,etc... Try changing things and make a decision take me a lot of time,tears,blood(self harm), fight,etc and especially pain..well literally u need to make a big sacrifice to make the whole change... Oh fuck... Now, i'm listening,watching MEJIBRAY live.. MEJIBRAY LIVE DUDE! The part where the singer is now breaking.. where now his mind are so distorted now.. But then all of the suffering the next inspiring music started to played called 'Nanaki' where the songs are magnificent where it means u can feel the pain and you can surpassed it.. Here's the lyric NANAKI. He's a fucking talented human.. His name is Tsuzuku.. Our life path are different yet i can feel him inside me.. He's like me, i'm like him. To me, we are similar.. We all are similar.. Trying our best to survive this world and live to the fullest.. Isn't that same with the normal people? Well no. It's totally different.. Even though we think like that.. We in reality actually didn't survived.. Like i said, we will only pretending we are ok to fits in our surrounding,, this world.. We cannot be saved. Once we entered this 'mental illness' it will last forever.. But some people do survived and recovers.. I guess they're strong and that's good but not all of us are that strong.. We ourselves pretended to be strong. bcos that's the only way we can do or just rest which is when we are already tired of faking ourselves happy,etc and live like a doll.. But never quit. You know life are meaningful and worth it. So live. Pain isn't forever.. Well that's some of us believing.. for me, who's actually want to die. i mean, not bcos of illness i want to die. i just want to die. lol complicated me again. i;ll try to explain in other way.. hmmm.. The me now and the real me are... that,, well the me now are what people see now. a normal girl,laugh,mad,playing,depressed,etc.. well the real me, i actually want this 'despair' feelings.. I want to die. I do want to die not bcos i want to stop myself from getting hurt,etc... it's bcos i wanted. Yup.. I'm not human much in my head. i don't even know how to live properly. But well you see, what my surrounding have made me now is happened already and i cannot just let it go.. It already stab my heart of course it wont be look as it used to look.. That's why i'm so messed up now~~ wiwiwiwiiwiwiwiwiwiwi~ 

 Ok.. lately, i feel so scared. my 'heartless' heart arent like that anymore.. bcos i havent self harm.. or making myself bleed..all i do is just punching wall or anything to vent anger.. but yeah not as bad as self harm and cut my wrist for 60+ cuts a day.. I'd suffered anemia for losing blood and it's a pain in butt.. i've used to this and used to keep everything in secret. But if i truly die by accident or volunteer~ welp of course i want someone to know my feelings lol.. i'm not important existence in here.. yet i try everything i could to make people look at me.. not bcos of i'm seek of attention it's simply just because people are so ignorant that even my family don't know what's have happened in my life.. i've been through too much pain.. that i've become heartless.. I can be fucking heartless without have any humanity nor care about sins or hell.. But i wont do cruel things cuz i have religion. I'm not a strong believer i mean i do believe my God but i didn't do much good deeds.. more like i always disobeyed him many times.. repeated sins i've done.. yup, that's me.. We a muslim do have strong believes in religion.. But we are not born straight to be perfect muslims... WE ARE JUST A HUMAN that do sins again and again until learned our lessons.. Urgh enough with the religion.. i know it's a big issues... that people are too scared and believed media blindly and blame muslims for suicide boms.. urgh.. They have brain right? the should so some research first rather than make a decision on what they want to believe blinly without proof. hmmm.. whatever.. i mean, no point on thinking like this forever. if that's what islamphobic wanted to believe, why we muslim bother to change their opinion. we knew it wasnt us do it.. it's their own stupid mind decision.. there's nothing we can do. But just imagine, i heard anti muslim wanted to kill or dispose all muslim. ok i get that.. u want peace right? That's what u think. Ok, in my opinion.. Ok u kill all muslims and disposed all of them. Ok~ Do u fucking think there is no fucking war after that? Dude.. Think far away.. open ur mind.. Imagine there's no muslim and there's buddhist or christain nor any religion. Do u think there would be no war? Who knows what will happen in future.. Might be happen war between Christian Vs Buddhist.. since yeah that's the most greatest religion now cuz there's no Islam right.. So yeah.. My point is.. As long as people who's blinded by the lust of the world..They want to have power and rule the world or some rich people want everything.. The 'war' will never stop. If u wanted peace.. do u think by killing all people from this world can solve this? We as a citizen.. yes we aren't a fault.. all the dirty work do are government.. Every country including urs or mine.. we are same.. yet by that it's the only way to save their city.. their do dirty work to save their world and blind by it with greed.. We are all human after all.. i dont blame anyone.. i just want everyone to understand deep.. seriously.. learn.. not accept blindly.. Media are showing u what need to show (entertainment) to hind the truth.. Ok.. idk if anyone understand this..haha.. since i'm bad in confessing my own opinion.. i'm the type that can understand difficult things.. or people's heart.. but i'm bad at giving advice..using good words,advice,etc.. i would just convey from heart to heart and my best to help people.. If u think there's no one for u in this life.. find me.. I may be useless to help you.. don't expect me to solve ur life since it should you who should solve ur life.. But i can learn my ears.. Find Me (email)
 Gosh.. i'm mumbling.. but yeah no one read this so~ huhuhu..