Kina's suicide notes

If i die accidentally or voluntary... u should be happy for me cuz i wont suffering anymore.. i dont care how my future will be.. i've never want to have a thought about building up my future.. i die not bcos of painful life caused by family nor friends or world... i simply just want to die.. there was a moment where all my experienced in life have build up in me... which is.. i cannot accepted myself to live as a human anymore. I dont wanna live.. live are so precious yet it's so meaningful that i dont want to live... i do not want to learn or accept the beautiful of our existence.. The beautiful of life,pain and forgiveness... I don't want to live to where i will have to experience all of that just for living and finding happiness purpose.. i'm not a normal person.. and i was never be since i was born... and many things have happened and taught me to be who i am now.. and this suicidal feelings is from who i am now... this is the real me. Me. Not the past me nor future me... it's the present me. I know it's complicated but u dont need to understand me. Just let me stop myself from suffering anymore.. i feel like i've been kept locked in this life.. even if i fly i still want to die tomorrow.. nothing will change my suicidal feelings... not even when i've archieve things in this life.. money,love,future,after life... wont stopped me from wanting to suicide.. i just simply want to die. Life is fun.. fun yet dreadful.. life taught me so many experience and will taught me more in future... wisdom is the most powerful yet not to me.. to me, i just want to die.. enough with this living...

My letters are in blue document.. i have a letters to my family and my will..

I wish my family wont ignore this and change it with love. Not with hate nor grudge... we are all humans after all.. we wont move on until we forgive each other,make up minds and change our attitudes,way of life into better... pls discard ur fucking 'lazy' attitude... makes me sick... waiting for me to die so that u wont be lazy... this house is ur house! This family is ur family! Dont fucking thinking just bcos u've married and have a new family u would abandoned the old family? Haha.. simply ignorant... i tried to saved this family yet this family didint even care.. i dont think they'll change even if i die or living bcos of what? Simply bcos of lazy ignorant selfish their fucking arrogant attitude... selfish.. human are so selfish... that's why.. i'm going to be selfish too.. but i wont suicide.. i'm scared of god than you... so u can keep lock me in a cage.. cut my wings.. and let me suffered in despair like now... yes i'm in deep despair.. this life.. i cannot see nor accept anymore.. death seems inviting me.. if god called me, i dont mind.. i'll be waiting.. while waiting i'll living suffering...
which is now..

-kina-