Growing pains

Hey, this is kina. I haven't update this blog. So... Quick reverse about my life... So, i depressed everyday... and selfharm, suicide attempts whatever... i failed.. so.. here i am.. oh, i went to therapy. Therapy doctor is nice. But just nice. Not enough to pull me out of my darkness or let me breathing.. anyway...  17 October 2018 is another failed attempt... yup, sucks... but since then i do have a bit of hope.. though i know the more higher i fly, the deeper & painful i fall.. but fuck that. I try to tolerate with life... but u know me, i'm suck at living. So stuff happened, attempts happened... bla bla..

And here i am enduring~ like usual faking this stupid face. I'm lost and i don't want to see the light. I just want in the right way... not to the heaven nor hell... just stuck in between... that's all... i guess no one can understand and i'm already give up on explain or wanting people to understand.. it's fine... i guess people who have depression wanna be saved, disappear... but not me... i just... wanna fucking die.. it's suck to have depression but at least it taught me who i am, how the fuck this world function, how human can feel with this complicated feelings..

And this growing pains... haha.. always keep me up at night... i guess i don't care in growing into stronger or whatever shit... 
Ha ha ha ha i'm so fucked up~
I wanna lose this sanity.. but GOD.... He won't let me go... Why? I hate him, He should despise me. I know, idk the term called in islam.. lol... but. I know he wanted me to open my heart, do what muslim supposed to do.. HE'S A GOD. HE SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO DO WHAT HE WANT. I FUCKING WANNA DIE. I'M FUCKED UP AND DON'T WANT TO BE "FIXED" OR "SAVED" U MOTHERFUCKERS... Yet, here i am... still afraid of hell. And afraid of heaven. I even scared to live. I'm damage, my perspective has lost the way. My heart has dirtied.. And i embrace this dark spot in my heart. I'm comfortable with this darkness than those fake light.. i don't want to succed. To have development in life. Growing. Move foward. Live. All i don't want. And it seems like i cannot explain. I wish i could just shut down this feelings and just live like a robot.. but i can't. And i barely survive a day. And very difficult to die somehow.. huh.. what a coincidence...