My feelings update

I always thought that no matter what, no matter how painful, suffer, grief I had n will experience in future... I will always thought. It's fine. I will somehow survive again and again until I rot. There's a greater pain, more torturing pain out there. So, I'm fine just the way I am now.

I always reminded myself again n again.

Today I forgot.  Again.

I ask myself, why do i have to live?

Why do i need to remain loyal to god when in then end i will still go to hell? I dont care about the hell. The problem is now. 

If i kill myself, i'd go to hell.

If i live n die by His hand, i'll still go to hell bcos of my ego which wont repent.

The punishment fears me more. God's power fierce me. I'm powerless, a mere slaves. His slave. An ignorant and disobeying His order. So what's the point? Why I havent kill myself?

Because i'm not brave enough to kill myself, again n again. I believe in hell n pain. The painful afterlife which cant be changed once i'm dead. The forever pain. Trapped n suffering. Is that all for me in this existence? I as a human creation, makes me think i should repent. I should be slave. That's how simple Islam is. Yet still difficult for me. My ego is so big n annoying me to the point 'ah death can stop this stupid personality i have. My stubbornness. Why not just end it. At least i can stop hurting God" it's full of bullshit thinking right? I guess so. though, when i had lived this suffering mind together, everyday struggling. I just thought, why not. At least it 'end' for awhile. For now. A choice to choose. A decision.

And again. Just like as I planned since the 1st time i existed in this world.

Everything is according to the plan.

Now I'm just waiting.

Following my plan. 

It's just, I forgot since I always reset my life everyday.. 

*sigh

Darkness, heart bruising

If you look at the day when my tears fell

(It hurts)

Will you go away? Will I go away from you?

Will u stay by my side as I fall and cried insanely

Doubting my own sanity everyday

Controlling and being controlled by darkness

Can u be the light?

Do u think u can reach ur hand to me?

Can u hold tightly a broken glass?

Will u not bleed?

Will u also leave me and me alone suffering?

(It hurts)

It challenged my sanity 

My sanity

Again & again

How long will I be able to hold it

With a smile..🙂

Until I've lost my sanity.

Alas, I've lost my sanity. My believes.

So, what's holding me back?

It's 'the time.'

It's not 'the time' yet.

Everything should be according to the plan.

I'm just a mere human.

This grieve that I've moarn everyday,
An unexplainable emotions through words
This constantly failed at living and keep living forward
Is just sad for my heart
There's no choice but to keep living
To learn, to improve, the cycle of life
And sometimes, I failed to tolerate with it
And I'd just moarn in despair again..
I cried, just so I can survive this night..
Faced a new tomorrow,
A new pain, a new lesson to learn
Ahh~ a human cycle..
How I despise and loathe to death
Death is much more beautiful than life
But I'm just a human
As a human, I should live
Because that's what human do
That's what God created
Everything is just about God
And I'm just a nobody..
Not a protagonist,
God is the protagonist..
I'm mere nothing
Nothing to myself
Just a slave to God
But nothing to myself
A mere insolent human.
And that is me..

Family is just a family

"blood is thicker than water" is *bullshit myth*

Of course family is important but not everyone got a happy family.. close friends can be family too. While family can be strangers..🤷‍♀️
So, dont said i forgot what? My backbones, my roots,etc.. In fact since young i take family as serious matter but then.. nothing much.. better survive alone where that's what i've been doing.. and in the last of 2,3 years ago, i believed that family is important n i cant survive without them. Yup, i do believed it.

But the latest now, which is literally now in this moment. Family is just family. Nothing deep. I thought too much in this "deep bonding." As if it's some kind of privilege.. but it's not.. just a curse, for an unfortunate family. And i dont care anymore now lmao. That's why, 'stuck in past, move on'.. i already move on. But it's bcos of my family who's the one stuck in past n seek this 'happiness bond' makes me see them stuck in the past.. cuz they used to have a happy family n then family got broken n they tried to create a new happy family in their own version. And when they achieve their own version happiness. They started to be very noisy.. Which is to do the 'right' thing which is trying to be more bonding n disturb my peace.. lolz i dont mind but if it's disturbing my peace. (My fucking peace after being a fucking robot to live follow the cycle of fucking life...) I'd burn their family alive.. 😊🔥 Those who said they're once suffered childish depressed shits... pfft i'll show them the fucking real adult world of depression🌈
But yeah my right thinker said, better not be that way.. 🤷‍♀️ and i was like, sureeee~ if they dont cross the boundary.. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
Cuz for me, i mean my mean side, "as long as they have a weakness, it's easy to triggered them n let em suffer in depression world"😈
But again, my right mind reminded me that my purpose is to die not being mean or be a revengeful person. 🤷‍♀️
"K"😒
but still, " as long as they dont cross the boundary.." 😈😈🔪
Also, isn't it nice if my family kill me oneday?🥰
As long as i'm dead... 🤷‍♀️
I hope they'll know how to stab accurately in most major vital place at body.. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️😊

Kina

Even if this life is gone, the sun will rise
I was fooling myself through lies as if I was somebody else
At that moment, I become aware of my heart
I was living suppressing myself
Wasn't so that I could live smoothly
Oh spring, between dreams and reality
It would be good to have not been born
There was nothing, there was nothing
Not in good or evil, not even happiness
There's no salvation in a life with nothing at all worth waiting for
People die alone without an answer
Even if I engrave the meaning of living in my wrist
I know it's an empty flower
It's scattered brilliantly
So I can't live, So I can't live
The flowers bud of failed attempts
Make it bloom

Today too my consciousness is fading away
Digging into the scars that I had forgotten
Cooled down emotions twisted the truth, bending the future
Just a life repetition
Before long turning insane
I don't need kindness
The wounds that can't be healed
We who don't know what happiness are sick, sick, sick and insane
I'm sure heaven is a good place, everyone knows
There's a place of atonement known as hell in earth
I'm ready for death
Why not, why not

The moment the present passes
With the wounds that I can't hide, a wide smile appears
The door I locked in order to live
Shed it's rust
Starving to understand
Gazing at the future
The reality I accept makes even my dreams and everything rust
Solution and tomorrow, that's rubbish
I shall drown in the tears I held back and fall asleep
Making me hide myself

I tried to live but
there was nothing left for me
Goodbye
for me, this life feels just completely empty
With the way things are now, I hold my breath to fall asleep on this spring day
Darkness is my light
I die everyday
I'll hide in my room with another bruises
Nobody would know how scary the mask I wear
Why do they looked at me with a closed minded way
Everyone go away, Everyone go away
Sympathetic looks, go away
I feel good if I die young
I can't live as people do

If you cry for me
There won't be any regrets in this world
There's no meaning of living if it's just struggle
Destined to learn, work and die
It's fine, I'd just gracefully give up