Doctors i met in my life

I dont understand doctors

I selfharm

They judge me n offer therapy

I met psychiatric n therapy doc

Psychiatric keeps judging n treat me with medicine

Therapy dr keep asking same question n evaluate me by my responde answer

Both is nothing but a toxic, they hurt me. Their judgement to find a solution seems dull.

In the end, i always change doctor.

Now, i thought i found a connection with this doctor.

But after i skip 6 month of therapy n seems to offended her.

She judged me n said, why am i coming back?

I dont understand

She said, why i wanna improve my mental illness when i still like to self sabotage?

I dont understand

I already told her, if i can get improve, i'll try to get improve. Why does she think i have normal brain? I was very shocked, offended, clueless,overthinking..

I understand, if u wanna improve 1st thing is to avoid self toxic..

By why she's expecting so much from me as if i'm normal?

My brain works like that. There's a lots of effort in surviving in a day.. n sometimes i fall.. and she gotta said i have to avoid it? Using therapy methods? If it's was so easy, i wont even have a fucking depression. I wont be seeing a therapy. I'm getting fed up with this 'right methods' to do.. If it's arent right for or makes me improve, then it aint right for me. 

I understand the right way is the good for me. It works for other people. But not me. I myself decide my actions. Not therapy methods. I have rebellious actions, i dont like being told to do this n that. But then again, what do u expect from therapy right? But then again. That's the doctor problem. To help me figure out the solution together, what works for me, what not. So, bij, why are u being toxic so suddenly. It turns me off to open up to u. In the end, all doctor are just doing their jobs. And that kind of behavior makes me created a new persona specially for a bij like u. That's all i can say now. Now, i went to therapy. I'll see as a school. Something to learn. Not someting to make breathing in living.. Just a school life. If u know me, I HATE SCHOOL. Reminded the past me. The doll me. And i'll turn into that doll. To satisfy surrounding. Suffocating n living my life. Where people think it's good for me haha.. in future it will only damaged me more. 

That's why i dont understand. 

I dont even understand myself

And doctor is just making me confusing bout myself more..

Just like school, 'good for u'. Look at me now.

Therapy is 'good for me'. Look at me in future.

In the end. Pain is the greatest lessons. 

I see. I see. I see.

I'm getting worse, i dont think i can be a doll but i'll try my best! And proceed my last attempt suicide plan💪

Time is ticking. So does my life.

How will I survive tomorrow?

And the day after?

What about the day after that?

Is this how I must live?

For the rest of my life?

What must I do

To stop feeling these emotions?

Why does no one understand?

Why? Why? Why

I tried to scream,

But I once screamed and they thought I'm weak

I once hold their hands, 

And life never went easy

I don't deserve them

If they knew what they said will go straight into my head, will they even care?

I had a dream

Of attempted suicide many times.

And every each of the dream,

I didn't die. I can't die. But I want to die.

Don't wanna lie,

This life is all about God

Not me, not you.

We're hopelessly blinded by God

Bcos that's how God created us, human

I want to die in God's hand if possible

But this pain and darkness keep eating me wholly

If I knew that I'd suffer, 

Will I ask God to create me?

If I can't make it,

Will God toss me to hell

And blamed me, 

It's my fault for being like this?

My feelings update

I always thought that no matter what, no matter how painful, suffer, grief I had n will experience in future... I will always thought. It's fine. I will somehow survive again and again until I rot. There's a greater pain, more torturing pain out there. So, I'm fine just the way I am now.

I always reminded myself again n again.

Today I forgot.  Again.

I ask myself, why do i have to live?

Why do i need to remain loyal to god when in then end i will still go to hell? I dont care about the hell. The problem is now. 

If i kill myself, i'd go to hell.

If i live n die by His hand, i'll still go to hell bcos of my ego which wont repent.

The punishment fears me more. God's power fierce me. I'm powerless, a mere slaves. His slave. An ignorant and disobeying His order. So what's the point? Why I havent kill myself?

Because i'm not brave enough to kill myself, again n again. I believe in hell n pain. The painful afterlife which cant be changed once i'm dead. The forever pain. Trapped n suffering. Is that all for me in this existence? I as a human creation, makes me think i should repent. I should be slave. That's how simple Islam is. Yet still difficult for me. My ego is so big n annoying me to the point 'ah death can stop this stupid personality i have. My stubbornness. Why not just end it. At least i can stop hurting God" it's full of bullshit thinking right? I guess so. though, when i had lived this suffering mind together, everyday struggling. I just thought, why not. At least it 'end' for awhile. For now. A choice to choose. A decision.

And again. Just like as I planned since the 1st time i existed in this world.

Everything is according to the plan.

Now I'm just waiting.

Following my plan. 

It's just, I forgot since I always reset my life everyday.. 

*sigh

Darkness, heart bruising

If you look at the day when my tears fell

(It hurts)

Will you go away? Will I go away from you?

Will u stay by my side as I fall and cried insanely

Doubting my own sanity everyday

Controlling and being controlled by darkness

Can u be the light?

Do u think u can reach ur hand to me?

Can u hold tightly a broken glass?

Will u not bleed?

Will u also leave me and me alone suffering?

(It hurts)

It challenged my sanity 

My sanity

Again & again

How long will I be able to hold it

With a smile..🙂

Until I've lost my sanity.

Alas, I've lost my sanity. My believes.

So, what's holding me back?

It's 'the time.'

It's not 'the time' yet.

Everything should be according to the plan.