KINAYUME : CATS + Family❤

Do i choosed a wrong decision?
Am i making a mistake?
Is this a mistake?
I thought at 1st... buying pets would discard my loneliness... It does work that time! Then... They've become more naughty.. Now having 4 cats means 4 times trouble.... I commit sins..  I make more sins when they're exist here.... I dont feel at home anymore because of them... In fact I despise home now... Home (meh... not) & my bed would makes me feel comfortable... and a little happy... NOW I CANNOT SEE ANYTHING OR A LITTLE HAPPY AT ALL!
I should never bought the male cat! Fuck him... Cute? All pets cute? So what? Why when about cats, humans become delusional? I mean... if it's a man who's cute on outside but shitty personality.. Peoole hate that RIGHT? I SEE NO DIFFERENT IN CATS! The fucking male fools humans with 'cute' & shits,pee all over, destroyed everything, mumblingg, obsessed with sex! My female cat already give a birth n pregnant again.. And the fucking male don't Fucking care and Horny As Fuck! ALSO AS FUCK AS THE MALE WANNA FUCK HIS DAUGHTER!! WTF!? DISGUSTING!! FREAK! Lol... I literally don't care much.... I just hate that it's actually a big burden for me... Not burden of taking care of them... I know it's my responsibility... But it's a burden for me.... Things that i create to make me have a reasons to live actually more into making me suicidal... Get it? I wanna create a love but in the end, that love are the cause me wanna die so badly bcos it's not their the fault.. it's me.. I'm the one who create a new pain.. I'm the cause... Urghh so hard to explain n use proper words to describe this feelings.....

But i do learn this earlier..Hmmm... In the movie shows... There's this pirates.. There's a prophesy saying that he'd be killed by a man with one leg within 1 month.. So of course he wanna live... He heard a rumors about live eternally n young stories that are spreading... So he went there for living...
In the end he died n got killed by the 1 leg man..

My point here are.... Prophesy said he'll be killed by a man... My point is... If he doesnt trying to make a decision to fighting for his live... He's actually can live... duh.. It's like... sometimes.... Things that's been fated to happen n u want to change it... Isn't good.. It's a trick to make u wanna fighting for ur life n fallen into the 'fate' trap... U understand? Lol... Sometimes things that u're fighting for are not worthy..  U know that life are full of tricks... So dont easily falled into the tricks..

Back to kitty... lel.... They... make me regret... They're the another new reasons for me to die~ yayyy! Urghhh.... Idk... Why the fuck did I think to bought a pets... To accompany me? Hell no... :v lol Ohh... I remember... It's to make me to create love in my heart... Well this have gone wrong... lol Shit... I'm brat at that time... Thinking that pets can actually save my life... Oh.. they did... but only that time.. now they're in the reasons list of wanna die... lol That's great............ *sigh* I just want to cheer up this broken family... Yeah yeahh this family can never be saved... Fine.. but if I give up.. That just... THAT.... nothing happen... Well now shitty things do happened and now myself getting worsen... Oh shit... Oh shit... Oh shit... Earlier before I fucking cry like a bitch...  Like always... trying to listening to jrock... Oh fuck... nothing happen to me.. I dont feel jrock anymore... Jrock songs cannot save me from triggering... lol They're useless now... Urghhh.... I have no intererest in anything again.... Sad fucking life... Oh then, I started bitching crying,hurting myself... and overthinking~~~ :v bla bla bla Ohhh then I thought... what's the reasons for me to suddenly feels so fucked up? Hmmm~~ Is bcos Cats? My sister? My 3rd bro? Me? xD Haha~ God? Then triggered when I look at Al-Quran... Oh shits.... Cries.... I feel so guilty... Then LIKE ALWAYS~ Trying to asked for His forgiveness since i've commited many sins :-/ And started to blame myself... All about me... I'm the problem shitsss...! I should just die! Die! I WANNA DIE! DIE! I WANNA DIE! I GUESS THIS IS HOW'S BPD LIFE IS! I WANNA SELF HARM SO BADLY! But i can't cuts as much as yesterday since yesterday wounds doesnt heal yet... So many scars☆ Then I become more unstable~ wuwuwuwuwu~ I try to cut my right wrist... I cut... Then I was like... Whoa! Whoa! Bitch! U ain't gonna cut ur right wrist! Enough with one! Bitch! That time i was watching,hear MEJIBRAY - KILLING ME video... Then After Tsuzuku's SCREAMSSSSSS,GROWLLLL,SCREAMMMMMSSS WITH ALL HIS MIGHT!!!!! My heart feels so lighten~ So i stopped self harm n back to normal life.. My eye do seems swollen xD hahhaha I'n still a brats... Really? Lol Bye! I'm gonna try sleeps... My insomnia have gone worst when I started to broken again... haha :v gooood nite~

KINAYUME : 3RD BRO + FAMILY GRUDGE

How can i help my family when they're already steps forward in hell like me... I want to help them.. I guess, It is too late..
3rd bro..
i already know his sins. I dont mind bcos that's his relation with God... He will receive the consequences.. I too have done sins...
But I think his actions is too much since it's can related to all family member and the others,the surrounding.... it's too risky...
Is he idiots or what? I know he's an idiot for doing it.. but seriously it will just be a burden you know... A big burden... Just for satisfying his big lust? Pfft... Who am I too judge? Let God judge him... But like I said... Is it too late to save him? I guess he's too arrogant stubborn to accept some advice especially from a brat like me? Pfftt i'm matured enough than you... I guess it's normal.. This generation that have went beyond and doing many wrong things..
So i've had a deep talk with a friends who's have matured n open thoughts~ not Everyone in my life are that matured... most are aged but minds are still a brat... so immature,stupid,innocent.... Bcos of that they'll started judged... So it's hard to find people who have a matured mind like me... I do feel better after discussed with my friend. Lol
Somehow i hope for the best for my brother. I dont hope for the best for me. I know after this big step he take in life. He'll forget me like the other brothers. They'll have ne responsibility... Well i dont need their sympathy though... ESPECIALLY MY FUCKING SISTER! She think for my good.. Do I fucking care about my own good? Don't make 'taking care of me' as an excuse for your god damn marriage...! Go find a man! U cant forget ur ex? Find! Go fucking fuck him! Urghhh...... It's annoying.. Using me as excuse... Also using my late mother as an excuse too... "so that ur mom won't cry" FUCK! SO U WOULD NOT LET HER CRY SUFFERING BUT U CAN TORTURE ME TILL I CRY EVERYDAY AND WISHING TO DIE!?!? WELL FUCK THAT! IDK WHO LOVE ME OR NOT! BCOS I DON'T FUCKING FEEL ANY LOVE! UR WAY OF LOVE ARE FUCKED UP ME! FUCKING SHITS TO U ALL WHO ONLY CARED ABOUT URSELF AND LATE MOTHER!!
OH SORRY FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE AND BEING UNGRATEFUL BITCH! I AM UNGRATEFUL! SO LET ME DIE ALONE!
OH WAIT.... U DID LET ME DIE ALONE!!
You guys have been ignorant BASTARD!
I've tried to FUCKING SUICIDE MANY TIMESS!!! YET NONE OF U NOTICE ANY FUCKING THING? Well dont notice... it'll become a burden and more trigger for me SINCE UR THOUGHTS ARE FULL OF JUDGEMENTAL BITCH!!! IMMATURE MIND!! Religion doesn't have anything to do with it...! WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH!!?? WHO DO U FUCKING THINK THIS MENTAL HEALTH COME FROM?? I'm Not straight born to have mental health.....!!! Oh wait... I do was born to be beating by My father! Yeahhh!! HE BEAT ALL OF US TILL HALF OF DEATH! AND HERE HE IS STILL ALIVE WITH HIS FURY SHITTY AND BEATING MY SISTER! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO BEATING PEOPLE FOR FUN!!? FUCK U! ROOT IN HELL AND DIE!! YOU ALL SHOULD JUST DIE! If you're afraid of 'sins' bcos of religion... Have u ever think about sins that u all make me SUFFERING??? IT'S ALL BCOS OF YOU! BCOS OF U ALL! I DON'T BELIEVE HOPE! LOVE! ONLY PAIN I BELIEVED!! PAIN! PAIN! PAIN! CRY! CRY! CRY! SELF HARM! SELF HARM! SELF HARM! and acting as if nothing happened... Wow.... Just WOWW.... I wonder how long can I faking myself? Till I truly die? Hahaahaahahahahahahahaha
I hope so... So U all would feel burden..
I'll left suicide not that I'll blame all of you!!!

KINAYUME : If only I have passionate on something...

I want to be a Cosplayer. But I have no money to buy costumes... I have money.. but to waste on Cosplay aren't worthy for me..It's expansive as fuck... Buying new and new costumes.. Also with accessories,contact lenses,make up,shoes.... Since I supported myself without family's money. I literally saved up my money since I was 10 years old. Well that money won't be increase but decreased.. I don't have any income.. I need to work but I'm already busy with college..
Oneday, I fallen in love in longboard. So I buy it.. I want to learn longboard tricks but I'm terrible at it... I know I need to practice more and more.. But I have no time. With busy college life. I'm also stupid. No matter how smart or hard I studied.. The results just aren't enough.. I don't mind though.. I'm already grateful I've passed the exams. Lastly I'm now fighting my mental issues... So.. many things happening in my life.. That I cannot breath properly anymore.. Yeah seems like an excuse... The point is.. No matter what I do.. It just will end up bad. So bad that it fucked up me.. lol
I want... to at least have 1 thing that I'm passionate about... 1 thing that I was born with it... 1 thing that I'm fucking good at it... urghhhh