Brother's wedding

 I got anxiety attack during my brother's wedding event. I cried, heavy breathing... Feeling suffocating.. I want to die. Because i've been having this 'feelings' of being unwanted.. though i know i'm wanted by some people.. but at the time when i need someone to need me.. When i wanted to be precious to them... Here by myside... THEY'RE not here...... They left me... I feel isolated and unwanted in this cousin's group. Even worst i started to feel like this because of my classmates... They're always grouping 4 member and left me out or send me to other group as if i'n just a side chick lol.. fuck them. In the end, i have to accept the fact that i don't have anyone.. and my death are nothing. it's sad, but just that. People will move on.. My sister will be in agony, i dont care. She's part of my pain so why not vice versa and feel what i feel. hahaha! u see. i dont intend to be a good person at all.. i have grudge tho i did nothing to revenge them back. i tend to let it go. so that i can be in peace. in this world or after life. All i ever wanted was Peace. I don't want anything at all in this life. Fame,money,etc.. I just want an inner peace in me. so that i can faced the corrupted world. so that i can be much more stronger. tho i'd be rebel again why the fuck we need to keep growing strong,etc. yeah i know that is 'living'... if that is living... then, i wanna die. let me die. i will die.

 So , at the wedding. i ran upstairs. calming my anxiety. Then, i went back inside the ballroom. And i started to think.... People really don't know anything of my pain. i want all of them to know all of my pain and struggles.. But i thought, God won't let it.. It's as if God was asking me not to show it.... So i obediently follow. Then i thought... Why am i so desperate want people to know all of my pain? I'm nothing. Should i be nothing? rather than trying so hard to be something for someone to remember...?