Bye

Before you go somewhere far away, I think of all the things I need to tell you
Today, once again, as we spend time laughing together
I feel my chest hurt a bit

A spring breeze blows tonight; "I don't want to let you go"
That's what I'm thinking, but I can't say anything unnecessary
"See you tomorrow" we said as our goodbye
I walk alone beneath the rows of trees
And suddenly I recall the remnants of my dreams

The dancing flower petals flutter in the breeze
Slipping through the gaps in my heart
All I can do is face my feelings
No matter what kind of pain comes to attack my heart again
I'm going to find out what's beyond that closed door

The two of us are complete opposites
But I wonder why I didn't notice that when we were together
Our similarities grew before we knew it
But the truth is that we copied each other a little bit

That night,
We briefly nodded to each other
Taking notice of the fleeing future
Looking at how you've unchanged
I've decided to leave my memories behind
I'm sorry; I'm going on ahead

The dancing flower petals sway
Connecting to my swaying heart
So that I won't forget
I'll start walking as my dreams and wishes are carried on the spring breeze
Hey, keep your head up
So that I can laugh by your side again

No one else is as strong as you are
You're scared to be alone
I am too

The dancing flower petals flutter in the breeze
Slipping through the gaps in my heart
All I can do is face my feelings
No matter what kind of pain comes to attack my heart again
I won't forget
I'll start walking as my dreams and wishes are carried on the spring breeze
The future we believed in starts from here again

-kinayume-

Getting better

Hey, i'm getting better and better than before. I joined a Taekwondo club. I've always wanted to join. But in my past, everything is a mess up. Now, my life seems to be stable than before, I'm even clean from doing stupid things. lol. For 7 days. Still fighting but hey. Better keep fighting and never give up. Though i don't want to have any hope to recovery. But now i'm trying to the hardest. So, Taekwondo training was so fucking hard and exhausted. I've died for 3,4 times while training. I actually noticed why people wanted to quit Taekwondo. Bcos it's difficult to do. It's fucking difficult to do for me too. Yet, for the 1st time in my life. I found peace. PEACE. I actually found peace. Things that I've been looking for in this life. So I decided to not quit eve though the training is hard as fuck. Seriously, the hardest part is training. It's hard,difficult,complicated technique,skills and tiring till death. It's all are temporary. It's just for a while that exhausted dying training. After that, i feel relieved. My anger are fade. My unstable emotions are disappeared. I find peace in my mind. I'm so grateful about that. Because of that I can overcome my daily struggles. Especially when I'm with my family. My mentality have become stronger, Maybe lol. I'm actually enjoyed living. This life. This struggle. I accept it. I don't overthinking, I don't feel suicidal or depressed. Or being sensitive at trivial things. In fact, I fight it. OMG I'm so grateful. All I ever wanted is everything to be OK. That's all. I don't need happiness nor sadness. I just want normal. What I mean is 'Normal' to me. We all have different view in 'Normal'. So yeah. My normal life now is better than before. If I got triggered, I actually ignore it and overcome it. I do not wield my 'sword'. Alas, I've been using it quit frequent..It's sharper than any blades I have. One cut can actually make me severe injured. That's why I'm grateful that I can take care of my suicidal desire. I don't want to use that blade if I can. But things keep repeated, so do I. I might repeated this actions. Anyway, bloody final exams is around the corner. I'm going to die. lol since there's many hard subjects and mostly because I'm STUPID AS FUCK. But I have to accepted it and keep trying my best. Because that's the only thing I can do so I won't feel regrets and blame myself more. Bye.

Friday 13th January 2017 (i feel so lonelyyyyy..........)

U know.. i'm trying to get well..
I do improved slowly... My problems with my sister somehow have lifted burden on my shoulder.. My heart are kinda ok with her~ but now... sigh.. the problem is.. now i feel my old 'loneliness' which is my heart are so fragile and sensitive that even tiny painful feelings can effect and hurt me a lot... to the point that i've lost my rational way of thinking... i'll burst into anger,mad at myself.. suicidal thoughts~ but i try to not cut my wrist.. Alas, i hurt myself by puncing hard things,playing with scissors, well i use rubber band to snap my wrist rather than cutting... but i guess.. i snap many times to the point where my wrist are blue black and bleed a bit... hmmm when i can't control my anger n do stupid things... that time... i didnt feel pain... so.. yeah... no wonder my wrist are hurting as fuck now bcos i'm rational now... lol *sigh* also i think i'm chicken out about trying to confessed my bpd depression to my family... i managed to confess to my sister... but yeah... i do feel...hmm.. weight lifting a bit... but yeah... LIFE ARE STILL FUCKING SAME! And i'm still struggling to live....sighhhh
I wanna just FUCKING tell my BPD to my FUCKING family... but i guess i'm too pussy! fuck! urghhhh... yeah i know it takes time to tell them and i should a bit, calm myself,etc... but while i'm doing that... i'll always struggling everyday to cope my suicidal thoughts n behavior............
Bpd are sucks.. i cannot control my weird emotions anymore... 1 sec i was happy,1 sec i was sad, 1 sec i was angry .... And POF! EXPLODE! i destroyed my wrist~ yeah yeah... now i feel so FUCKING lonelyyyyy.......... my pets seems... nothing much... just a pets... i still feel lonelyyyyy.......... so yeah now i'm jelly to couple people who's can cuddle each other on bed at night.. while here i am having insomnia and sleeps at 10a.m.... sigh.... Suffering alone.... I thought of having a bf... but... sigh...  i'm the type who's very serious in relationship... but i dont wanna marry... so that's one of my complicated feelings... urghhhh...