Updated

*sigh

I wanna change and yes i do change slowly...
But.. for me to keep it for a long time is still difficult as fuck. Every time i failed n tried again. And when i'm tired, i rest. But, seems like it doesn't work for me. As long as i'm breathing. I can't live. I'm so sorry.. i can't stand another day...... i just prefer to die than living. Religion aren't the fault. It's just me. Since born, this thought of 'why i'm existed when i don't want to exist anymore' is haunting me. It's not from a family problem. It's not a fault from my mother's attempts... It's just me... Since young, since i'm starting to growing up. Those darkness which doesn't want to reach the light. Is always me n my thoughts alone. No one fault but me. God just created me. I'm the one who created this other side of me. I'm too ashamed to confess. I'm sorry for being like this but beind like this also taught me to be who am i today. I have good n bad side. I'm balance. But i, myself choose the dark path. I do not seek light. Not because of ego or stubborness. It's is just me. That is my side. That is me. As usually it is difficult to understand to people who is not in my level but i hope you know that it's no one fault. And i don't need anyone help. I do need help sometimes. But to stand up facing my other side, i'll face it alone.

I've never been interested in living but i'm interested in lessons. Especially painful lessons. That's why. I choose to step into depression. But it's not enough that's why i step deeper into borderline personallity. It's ok to not understand cuz it's seems bullshit. I ain't waste my feelings n thoughts to convince you anymore. Whatever. This is my fight and i choose to fight it alone. Cuz yeah ur help is basically useless & pathetic.
Cuz you aren't even in the same world like me.. so💁💁 i hope it offense ur damn feelings. Anyway~ i end up break myself more by seeking knowledge, things beyond than my limit. That's why i'm like this. It already happened and i cannot change to be more healthier or living properly anymore. I can tolerate but like i said, it doesn't last 'forever'. That's all.

Now like always i just feel tired. That maybe suicide is the great escape. But i also know it is not. Though i dont care about hell n heaven concept. Still, i do believe Allah. Haha another difficult thing to understand? Lolz

Thus, i choose to live while waiting to death, changing into a better person in my own pace.
It's just sometimes, i forgot and let myself drowned in anguish~
Because of what? Because I'm still a human.
And you all too. So, love urselves is the roots of anything to grow in ur life.
If u dont love urselves, u already lose to the life.

28 june 19

Asagao - xaa xaa

The little Asagao was crying.
Asagao is lost and lonely
Asagao will not go anywhere.
And everytime the sun rises,
Asagao laughs against her will.
Asagao was raising her head
Asagao, don’t tell anyone,
raise your head and stand up.

Asagao gradually became corrupted.
The way to seeing things of Asagao also got corrupted.
Asagao has broke somewhere,
in this city full of concrete.
Asagao can't bloom anymore.
Asagao was absolutely cold.
Asagao was shaking a lot.
She was still beautiful, even though she could not bloom anymore.

If you close the curtains, you will cant see
the dark corner of the room
But the noise of the pricking needles will not stop

Doesn't matter how much do you feel sad, or lonely, the night ends up
and nobody will wait [for you], if you forget how to walk
Asagao is crying, Asagao is crying,

She wasn't accustomed getting hurt
although it has happened more frequently
Sadness, happiness, void, pain.
Why only the sadness remains?

Someone give me some water please, so that I wash my dirty face
I'm thinking too much, I'm tired, but I can’t sleep

Doesn't matter how much do you feel sad, or lonely, the night ends up
and nobody will wait [for you], if you forget how to walk
because tomorrow will come again, and [you] will have to laugh against your will.
Asagao is crying, Asagao is crying.

Note:

"Asagao" is a flower known as "morning-glory", it is a flower that usually lives a single morning and dies during the afternoon, but new flowers appear every day..

【UPDATED】 Life

Idk where to start or when is the last time I talk about this. I even forget what i've done in my life.. Anyway, on last october 2018.. Hm I attempted suicide again and I lose myself for 2 days(insanity) & kinda lost my life in those few minutes after committed, next day, I'm still alive... busted by my sister & aunty. I'M STILL ALIVE? WTF!! SHITS!? *sigh* but then, another attempted, except this time I got caught in emergency room.. haha... busted by nurse, cops,doctors,psychiatry doc... The cops really wanna put me in jail, it's against the law to attempted suicide in Malaysia especially when u're a muslim.. *bullshit* Anyway, i got away, since i managed to control myself. I attempted suicide by overdose. Since then i kept vomit, so even the doctor had checked my body,blood,etc is fine. Tbh, it's not an attempted suicide. I have 3 box of antidepressant. Yet i swallowed only like what? 5,6 pills..
It's basically not a suicide attempts. And i'm not comfy enough to tell the reason why i did that. That day was february 2019. So skip skip skip. Hello March😂
I'm at the emergency room again~ hmm
My sister even called EVERYONE & my cousin, he's a doctor. Haha..... I'm so lame.. My sister is too paranoid and spread the news to everyone... Kinda annoying for me... i hate getting caught attentions so.... 😒 Anyway, she called 911, i was on my bed, 2 emergency medical men came... checking me up, also saying i'm faking my faint.. haha i'm not faint, u son of bitch...
Anyway they brought me to emergency room. Basically every doctor judge me, laugh at me. The problem is, i did not attempt suicide, i just had paralysis sleep, i can't move, open my eyes. So while i'm being a joke to doctor, my over emotional sister, came & blame me why doing this while crying... tsk.. it tore my heart to hear that... again i was hurt by her again... i can't bear the pain, so the tears are running down... but i cannot move~~... skip skip skip at last! Everyone... knows i had paralysis sleep... yes... EVERYONE SEES ME, JUDGE ME, JUDGE MY HANDS, MY NECK, EVERYTHING. Haha i make it as if they're bad person... 😂 Chill they are supporting me💕 lucky me. Huh.... i still wanna die~~

And now, after long deep thought.
I should be the old kina. Not the this kina..
The old one, i'll be living normal, do what people do, fake it, live with it.
I know I'll be affected by that.. i already been it. But.. hmn who cares? Hahaha i seek help... i have family, i have friends, i have money, i have fame? (Maybe), i have my cats, i have everything i wanted. I love and enjoying my life! I just wanna die because of my existence. Not because of pain. Or how painful this life is. Everyone's life are like that... so... ? it's painful fr me to watch other suffering too.. but i'm useless.. i'm not a fucking god, ask him not me... Basically, I'm not even interested in living, God, happiness, money, etc whatever... i just simply don't wanna live.

But now i have to,
forcing myself
breaking my self more & more~~~
Survive or not, i don't care😂
life is too expensive to me
I don't need a life...

Anyway, idk how far n how long i can hold.. i already crying, selfharm on my chest, scream when no ones, stuck on bed till tomorrow, n repeated.. haha..
it's nice though~ relaxing on bed, with music~ it's a bless moments~ until depression came n stab my face😂...
i can still control.. but, let's see how will i break myself in future~

💜