Idk where to start or when is the last time I talk about this. I even forget what i've done in my life.. Anyway, on last october 2018.. Hm I attempted suicide again and I lose myself for 2 days(insanity) & kinda lost my life in those few minutes after committed, next day, I'm still alive... busted by my sister & aunty. I'M STILL ALIVE? WTF!! SHITS!? *sigh* but then, another attempted, except this time I got caught in emergency room.. haha... busted by nurse, cops,doctors,psychiatry doc... The cops really wanna put me in jail, it's against the law to attempted suicide in Malaysia especially when u're a muslim.. *bullshit* Anyway, i got away, since i managed to control myself. I attempted suicide by overdose. Since then i kept vomit, so even the doctor had checked my body,blood,etc is fine. Tbh, it's not an attempted suicide. I have 3 box of antidepressant. Yet i swallowed only like what? 5,6 pills..
It's basically not a suicide attempts. And i'm not comfy enough to tell the reason why i did that. That day was february 2019. So skip skip skip. Hello March😂
I'm at the emergency room again~ hmm
My sister even called EVERYONE & my cousin, he's a doctor. Haha..... I'm so lame.. My sister is too paranoid and spread the news to everyone... Kinda annoying for me... i hate getting caught attentions so.... 😒 Anyway, she called 911, i was on my bed, 2 emergency medical men came... checking me up, also saying i'm faking my faint.. haha i'm not faint, u son of bitch...
Anyway they brought me to emergency room. Basically every doctor judge me, laugh at me. The problem is, i did not attempt suicide, i just had paralysis sleep, i can't move, open my eyes. So while i'm being a joke to doctor, my over emotional sister, came & blame me why doing this while crying... tsk.. it tore my heart to hear that... again i was hurt by her again... i can't bear the pain, so the tears are running down... but i cannot move~~... skip skip skip at last! Everyone... knows i had paralysis sleep... yes... EVERYONE SEES ME, JUDGE ME, JUDGE MY HANDS, MY NECK, EVERYTHING. Haha i make it as if they're bad person... 😂 Chill they are supporting me💕 lucky me. Huh.... i still wanna die~~
And now, after long deep thought.
I should be the old kina. Not the this kina..
The old one, i'll be living normal, do what people do, fake it, live with it.
I know I'll be affected by that.. i already been it. But.. hmn who cares? Hahaha i seek help... i have family, i have friends, i have money, i have fame? (Maybe), i have my cats, i have everything i wanted. I love and enjoying my life! I just wanna die because of my existence. Not because of pain. Or how painful this life is. Everyone's life are like that... so... ? it's painful fr me to watch other suffering too.. but i'm useless.. i'm not a fucking god, ask him not me... Basically, I'm not even interested in living, God, happiness, money, etc whatever... i just simply don't wanna live.
But now i have to,
forcing myself
breaking my self more & more~~~
Survive or not, i don't care😂
life is too expensive to me
I don't need a life...
Anyway, idk how far n how long i can hold.. i already crying, selfharm on my chest, scream when no ones, stuck on bed till tomorrow, n repeated.. haha..
it's nice though~ relaxing on bed, with music~ it's a bless moments~ until depression came n stab my face😂...
i can still control.. but, let's see how will i break myself in future~
💜
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