Level of Depression

I'm suddenly feel so upset. Cuz i cant find a proper depression level. How severe is ur depression UGHHHHHHHHHHH

Low mood, sleepless,unhealthy lifestyle, sad all day..  WTF? That's basic act depression like WTF THAT DOESN'T PROVE ANY SEVERE DEPRESSION! FUCKKKKKKK

IF U WANNA KNOW WHAT LEVEL IS UR DEPRESSION IS LET ME CREATE THE TEST ON MY OWN

Level 1 :

2

3
4

Level 5 is the borderline :-

6 -

7 -
8
9
10 -

The most severe depression is when u've seek &  done ALL help and still fucked up. Severe depression is where u see no fucking hope in life. If u still at least believe u have a 'hope' u're not fucking have a severe depression. If u still think if u can reborn into a different life then u're not that lowest depression.

LOWEST FUCKING LEVEL OF DEPRESSION :-

1. NO FUCKING HOPE (LITERALLY NOT EVERYONE CAN UNDERSTOOD WELL)
They think their life is the worst ouu buhuuuuu fuck u. Accept the fact that ur life are not that fucked up. Ur mind is manipulate u with those self relieve shits ughhh *vomit at ur humiliating seek relieve thoughts

-NO FUCKING FAMILY
-NO MONEY
-No pleasure in eat, sex, living, daily living life
-Doesn't care about safety, death (but not attempt suicide)
-Already seek help, have family, friends support but still cant find the ideal proper living
-Woke up, cry immediately cuz 'why i'm awake & still living' thoughts EVERYDAY but still pay attention in living n live with calm & wise mind.
-Don't care about world, after life, God pleasure.
-It's not 'doesn't believe hope', cuz seems like a denial of positive things. I need a balance of both bad good mind but somehow still a bit more on the dark but still wise n balance. literally just 'dont fucking care about hope.'
-Suicide is literally the answer but we live, cuz we aint choose to run, we choose to face it that's why we still live. We overcome this pain every seconds, everyday, every moments. That's how mature our mind is, how we taught our mind to be wise, to be in control. But still facing depression. That is where ur level of depression is above 6. The worsening ur depression is the wiser ur mind become. I need that. Not a cheap baby depression.

That's for now.

Updated

*sigh

I wanna change and yes i do change slowly...
But.. for me to keep it for a long time is still difficult as fuck. Every time i failed n tried again. And when i'm tired, i rest. But, seems like it doesn't work for me. As long as i'm breathing. I can't live. I'm so sorry.. i can't stand another day...... i just prefer to die than living. Religion aren't the fault. It's just me. Since born, this thought of 'why i'm existed when i don't want to exist anymore' is haunting me. It's not from a family problem. It's not a fault from my mother's attempts... It's just me... Since young, since i'm starting to growing up. Those darkness which doesn't want to reach the light. Is always me n my thoughts alone. No one fault but me. God just created me. I'm the one who created this other side of me. I'm too ashamed to confess. I'm sorry for being like this but beind like this also taught me to be who am i today. I have good n bad side. I'm balance. But i, myself choose the dark path. I do not seek light. Not because of ego or stubborness. It's is just me. That is my side. That is me. As usually it is difficult to understand to people who is not in my level but i hope you know that it's no one fault. And i don't need anyone help. I do need help sometimes. But to stand up facing my other side, i'll face it alone.

I've never been interested in living but i'm interested in lessons. Especially painful lessons. That's why. I choose to step into depression. But it's not enough that's why i step deeper into borderline personallity. It's ok to not understand cuz it's seems bullshit. I ain't waste my feelings n thoughts to convince you anymore. Whatever. This is my fight and i choose to fight it alone. Cuz yeah ur help is basically useless & pathetic.
Cuz you aren't even in the same world like me.. so💁💁 i hope it offense ur damn feelings. Anyway~ i end up break myself more by seeking knowledge, things beyond than my limit. That's why i'm like this. It already happened and i cannot change to be more healthier or living properly anymore. I can tolerate but like i said, it doesn't last 'forever'. That's all.

Now like always i just feel tired. That maybe suicide is the great escape. But i also know it is not. Though i dont care about hell n heaven concept. Still, i do believe Allah. Haha another difficult thing to understand? Lolz

Thus, i choose to live while waiting to death, changing into a better person in my own pace.
It's just sometimes, i forgot and let myself drowned in anguish~
Because of what? Because I'm still a human.
And you all too. So, love urselves is the roots of anything to grow in ur life.
If u dont love urselves, u already lose to the life.

28 june 19

Asagao - xaa xaa

The little Asagao was crying.
Asagao is lost and lonely
Asagao will not go anywhere.
And everytime the sun rises,
Asagao laughs against her will.
Asagao was raising her head
Asagao, don’t tell anyone,
raise your head and stand up.

Asagao gradually became corrupted.
The way to seeing things of Asagao also got corrupted.
Asagao has broke somewhere,
in this city full of concrete.
Asagao can't bloom anymore.
Asagao was absolutely cold.
Asagao was shaking a lot.
She was still beautiful, even though she could not bloom anymore.

If you close the curtains, you will cant see
the dark corner of the room
But the noise of the pricking needles will not stop

Doesn't matter how much do you feel sad, or lonely, the night ends up
and nobody will wait [for you], if you forget how to walk
Asagao is crying, Asagao is crying,

She wasn't accustomed getting hurt
although it has happened more frequently
Sadness, happiness, void, pain.
Why only the sadness remains?

Someone give me some water please, so that I wash my dirty face
I'm thinking too much, I'm tired, but I can’t sleep

Doesn't matter how much do you feel sad, or lonely, the night ends up
and nobody will wait [for you], if you forget how to walk
because tomorrow will come again, and [you] will have to laugh against your will.
Asagao is crying, Asagao is crying.

Note:

"Asagao" is a flower known as "morning-glory", it is a flower that usually lives a single morning and dies during the afternoon, but new flowers appear every day..