KINAYUME : This Life

" That kind of future feels so... Empty... "

" What if I kill myself? "

That kind of thoughts..Everyday, every night, every seconds, minutes,hours...

You know, I once a girl that live suffering but have no desire to die..

Until I was 17.. After I graduate from High school. I started to realized many things..

Pain,Loneliness,Sadness,Grief,Anguish,Darkness and more.... This feelings that I've received.. So many things that happened to me... Having a terrible family is sucks.. Everyone have a bad family too.. 

Is it an enough excuse for me to suicide? haha

When I stood at the train's platform, I'm not brave enough to throw myself from the platform. But I could stand here. And someone might bump me in front of the train...

It's not like I really want to kill myself. It's just... I don't want to keep on living either. I wonder if someone will really push me?

SELF HARM

Worst idea? stupid things to do? haha.. I never thought to die until.. My family makes me thought of suicide for real.. I'm a coward you see.. I'm afraid. That's why I'm still living? haha.. Cutting wrist hurts? Not at all.. I cut slightly..Somehow it's grow bigger and deeper. So, my wrist are full of ugly scars... I decided to stop doing it after a year, or else I wouldn't wear any short sleeves, but that didn't happen. I thought I'd able to stop once I got into College. I thought I'd have fun there.. But, every time I went back home.. Bad things happened again and again.. It's like a cycle and keep repeating. I started wishing I would die, and before I realized it, I cut myself all over.. Razor,knife,needles,scissors.. any sharp things will do. Even my nails and also my cat's scratches. Yes, I always used excuse that cat scratches. Haha.. 

Didn't you cut yourself to live!!?

Death is not THE END... It's the BEGINNING.

There are some people who say, 

" No matter how hard things are at the moment, Time will pass and everything will work out just fine. There's no need to stress. " 

But how long do we have to wait?

They tell us, "When you're sad and hurt, Just remember the good times you've had. "

But what about the people who never have any good times in their lives? 

For people who have had nothing but problems, dying is much more easier than lying.

"Yeah, I want to be set free from this pain. "

I walk and walk but all I can see is Darkness. Hey, is suicide the exit out of the Long Tunnel of Pain?

Isn't death the only thing that can save lives?

"People always say ' I want to die, I want to die,' But they never do it. Because they can't. "  

People like this makes us suicidal want to prove this through actions. 

When I Self harm, I saw a fat that inside the wounds. My white flesh has shown itself. It's kind of like fried chicken from KFC.. Like raw corn..(lol) My blood is pouring out. Wow, it's coming out fast. It comes out faster when my heart beats. Thump Thump.. Ah.. My blood is warm. And it smells. It smells like a new coins. (lol)

After that, I felt like I was sinking.. Slowly, slowly into a pitch black sea... 

People who attempt suicide know that they shouldn't, but they are compelled to anyway. They usually display some signs before they actually attempt suicide. They might say things like, " No one accepts me" or  "people treat me like a burden" They feel lonely. They feel trapped, because they don't want to do anything. They think they can't do anything. The feel depressed because they have no hope for the future. Those kinds of negative emotions are drive them to the edge. 

I can't believed I had the courage to cut my wrist and still didn't die.

It was nothing like giving blood. It was like all the blood in my body rushed right onto the floor and poured out all at once. And it didn't hurt at all.

The moment I decided to kill myself, all my troubles dissolved into thin air. It felt so good that I could die like that. You know for having a self harm friends too. They say wanting to commit suicide is contagious, i guess it's true. 

I had a thought. A way to die.. That even simpler,better and quicker.. Poison. I heard about this case someone who wanted to commit suicide bought poison over the internet, and when he drank it, he really died. That poison are called CYANIDE.. 

I want to die. I have to die soon. Before I die in some meaningless way.. Before I become crappy adults... But you know.. This feelings.. Of wanting to die.. But saying to die and actually doing it are two different things. But slitting my wrist for the first time felt so nice. " I don't really want to die, I having fun pretending I'm really going to kill myself.. " But I really did want to die. Until I can actually go through with killing myself, in going to be struck in this world.., I wonder if I've gotten scared of dying. 

I get it now... This kind of day is going to repeat itself over and over for as long as I live. But just one step... And I could destroy myself and the people around me. 

That day when I slit my wrist for real, I want my family to suffer for the rest of their life. Because the thing they're worries about most is how they looks in the eyes of society. At the end of every crappy day, I wished that tomorrow would never come. There's no reason to keep on living. That's right/ What am I waiting for? What's waiting for me if I go back? I might as well die. Being nice to people.. Being able to laugh with all your heart.. Appreciating the beauty of the city and sky.. It's the final happiness. There's no more reason left for me to hesitate. It'll be simple for me to open the door to the World of Death.. 

Sometimes, my ears start ringing, and I can hear a voice. It tells me " It's all right to die. " Can you hear it? "It's all right to die." "It's alright to die"

If I cut my wrist, it won't hurt. It'll be just like falling asleep, drunk from the smell of my own blood as I feel it's warmth. If that's what "DEATH" is.. I'm not afraid.. 

People who cut their wrist or hang themselves are smart. They die alone in one clean shot. What are we compared to that? Why did we have a last meal and eat whatever we wanted? I just want to die peacefully and beautifully. it's naive to think that dying alone would be lonely. A suicide that ends in failure is nothing to boast about. 

I felt so drained.. Like I lost all my energy. 

People commit suicide.

Suicide are worthless. It doesn't leave anything behind. It doesn't change anything! You can't start over. You can't feel anything as just a soul. There's nothing. Suicide is just a person escaping from this world without even getting back at the people  who made her kill herself in the first place. 

That's all..  

Does life have meaning?

They say life is heavy, but what does that mean?

They say that it's "heavier than the earth," but that doesn't really say much.. I've heard a lot of different people's opinions on the meaning of life, but.. I want an answer I can believe in. 

Listen. In the first place before suicidal thoughts. What did you want to do? Try to remember it. 

For me, I want to make friends, it didn't have to be a lot.. I want to live in japan, I want to learn many skateboard skills.. There are things that you want to do. OK. Try one more time. Starting today, just try one more time to make that image of yourself a reality. Of course, it won't be that simple. You'll get frustrated and you'll lose confidence sometimes. And there will probably be times when you'll get bored, and you'll worry about the future. When that happens, all you have to do is just stare at the ceiling for a while.. I can't say it very well either, but.. I want you to live. As long you're alive that's enough. 

"Is this suicide?" 

When I was about to fall from the roof, that was the first time I really felt "Death." Every time I faced Death, I felt an attachment to "Life" and "Hope" welled up inside me. What should I do. What do I want to do? It's too troublesome to live... I do not know. We might not have a reason to live. But surely our tomorrow, our future.. Won't come unless we create it/ LIVE! I know.. My,our wounds will not disappear. But pain and fear, there was nothing else.. And I realized that my heart would never heal by doing that. 

It's the moment you lose all hope. Suicide isn't simple. And it isn't brave. The moment you kill yourself isn't the moment you decide to go through with it. When I locked down, when I was going to fall. I was scared, I didn't want to die. That might be the weight of life. When I was going to test the Cyanide.. I was scared and it felt so wrong. When I think about a meaning of life, I can come up with a millions answers. But I can't truly believe in a single one of them. Suicide is pretty lame, but so is life sometimes. That's probably just the way it is. Right? But, I've decided that no matter what, I'll believe in the future. I'll fight no matter how painful it is. Yeah... I'll take it slow. 

If I just keep focusing on the me. I want to be, I'm sure I'll get closer and closer. I'll just take it one day at a time. A courage to live..