隙間

雲の隙間

何が舞い降りる

白い雲

青い空

隣の雲からは雨が降り注ぎ

人々は歩みを早めた



沢山の事柄が僕の隣にも巻き起こる


いつ僕に何が降り注ぐのかもわからない


そんな時間が淡々と続いてゆくのだろうか


気が付けば生命

気が付けば絶命


傷だらけ

両手で羽をかたどり

暗闇で我は待つ

風吹けば

線がずれる

Break stigma in depression

“It was so awkward that I wanted to kill myself.”

“Yeah no totally. She’s psycho.”

“That party was so packed. I was gonna have a panic attack!”

“Can you just like… chill?”

These words are not not merely “just words” ― they echo in the minds of those fighting the weight of a mental illness. They seep into everyday conversations as if it were simply ordering a sandwich or our usual cup of joe. But we speak these words without recognizing the damaging effects to those who suffer from mental health issues.

But this subject has, sadly, always been stigmatized because it’s too personal and the fear that speaking it out loud makes it too real. But here’s the thing: it is real. And if we want to prevent - or at least help - those contemplating or attempting suicide then we must climb over the mountain of fear and change the words we speak.

Hearing you speak these phrases - even as a joke - isn’t a joke. For you, it’s a passive statement that means absolutely nothing. For us, you have no right. To us, though we know there’s no bad intention on your part, it’s frustrating that you can throw such jokes out so casually, and it can feel like it’s being thrown in our faces. We know that you may not know we have anxiety or depression or bipolar disorder, etc. But frankly, it’s just not your place to say such things when you have no idea what it truly feels like.

Do you truly know the pain of not being able to breathe, in the most random moments?

Do you truly know the complete desire to be happy while living with a darkness will not leave you?

Do you truly know the fear of voices that are so unreal but appear right in front of you?

So, real talk. You’re asking “will changing the words I say on a daily basis really help prevent suicide?” Maybe it won’t. But what if, just what if, it will?

If more and more of us can understand the different types of mental health illnesses, the various symptoms, and the way it truly affects sufferers then maybe, just maybe, we will know what to say and what to do when someone we love is on the verge of a decision, with effects that will ripple throughout our world.

We need to pay attention.
We need to open our eyes.
We need to listen.

The smallest change in behavior marks the biggest sign. No doubt, it’s sometimes hard to spot. Even amongst friends, we often forget that some of our behaviors and coping mechanisms are caused by our mental illness. Arguments arise. Blame begins.

These everyday phrases I’ve listed above have always functioned as an effortless way to describe our emotions in any given circumstance. But how do we if know we’re in the presence of someone in the middle of a depressive episode while declaring, “I’d rather kill myself than talk to my ex again.”
But the issue is that whether we’re aware of it or not, these colloquialisms can impact those around us who may be suffering.

So let’s end the everyday sayings that contribute to the already painful struggle to live a normal life.

Because trust me. We need each other. We live in a world that calls for independence because well, “If I succeed on my own, then I’ve proven I’m strong.”  I know I can’t overcome on my own. We can’t. Let’s not pretend. I plea with you to consider those around you - they may or may not be dealing with an exhausting mental illness. Be patient with us. Be there with us, for us.


To live may have one “I” but to truly become joyous, we’ll need us.

格子

人はまた人を見る

人は人なしでは己を形成できず

人は人を嫌悪する人は人を求め続けています。

誰にも手を差し伸べる生きる事は不可能であり

誰にも手を差し伸べるために生きる事は不可能である。


現にこうして生きている僕や君達

皆誰かの手を受け入れて生きてきた

自分の存在は自分ではあるが

自分の存在は自分が作り出した訳ではないという事

今後の人生を決めるのは自分自身だが

それがどのように左右されるかは自分の意思ではなく、他人の手によるものだという事。


人生とはもともと

自分自身があるだけではない

人がいて

自分が甘え、甘えれれ

そうして形成されていると言っても過言ではない。


言い方は悪いかもしない、人間は甘えているのだ

僕も君も

甘えているという言葉は誤解をうむかもしなかった

一つの言葉として受け入れて欲しい。


僕も

君達も

誰も一人ではない

独りにはないのだ

いつ事を。

何をしているんだろう

僕は今こうして何を考えているんだろう

わからない

わからない

現実は確実に動いているのに

僕は今何を思っているのだろう。


目を閉じて

開いて

変わる景色


何かが変わっている

何が変わっているのだろう？


耳元で自分の脈の打つ音が聞こえる

僕は生きている

何故生きているのだろう？

何故生きなければならないのだろう？


目を閉じる

目を開ける

手首の血管が動いている


何故動いているのだろう

何故動こうとしているのだろう？


目を閉じる

過去を振り返る

目を開ける


何故部屋を染めたのだろう？

消えてしまいたいから？

生きていたいから？

生きているという事を実感したかったから？


脈の動きを見れば

耳をすませば

鏡を見れば

生きている事は明確なのに


それじゃ足りなかったのか


何が生きている実感なのか

何が生きている証明なのか


僕はわからないまま

僕はそのまま

僕は変わらないまま

今を過ごすしかできていないのではないだろうか。



喉を通る煙

辺りに広がるのは僕の中で僕という一部分を得た煙なのか？

じゃあその部屋に広がったソレは

僕の一部という事なのか？


僕は僕という存在を良く理解していないのかもしれない。


世界中で誰よりも僕が僕自身を知っているはずなのに

世界中で誰よりも僕が僕自身を理解できていないのかもしれない

そんな感覚

そんな錯覚

そんな現実


僕は誰なのか

僕は僕だ。


僕は僕でしかないのに

何を求めるのか？

僕は僕の中の僕と会話を続ける

それに意味があるかはわからないけれど



今日も僕は僕と会話を続ける。


僕が僕でいられるように。

僕が僕を認識できるように。

僕が僕という存在に消されてしまわないように。


今日の部屋は真っ白だ。

Your folded, pale wings are just a little tired from the overly blue sky
You don't have to force your smile for anyone else
It's all right to smile only for yourself

Loneliness continues to creep up on me
A candle alight on the inside
Such a gorgeous chandelier shouldn't be at a crowded party, like this one
Why should I bury it all in the emptiness of words that are lacking?
I don't know anymore

As long as we can swim freely in our dreams
We don't need the sky anymore
Even if I can't paint over everything
That happened up until yesterday
I'll still come out to meet you tomorrow

Your folded, pale wings are just a little tired from the overly blue sky
You don't have to force your smile for anyone else
It's all right to smile only for yourself

Inferiority complexes and reconciliations
Aren't things that will come true so easily
The mirror that remains
At the top of self-consciousness reflects flower petals
It looks like my voice is strained
From trying to cry out with an impure love
It's irritating

In these changing times, wounds will soon turn into scars
Without waiting for that to happen
You're so beautiful, and so fleeting...

Prayers shiver in the sun
Like traces of down that have come loose
It's all right to not think about loving someone
As being too much for you right now

Sometimes this world is a little bit too dazzling
To walk looking upward in
When you cast your eyes down
As though sinking, the dry ground slurps up your tears

Why do we feel so alone anytime?
You don't have to take on everything
Why do we feel so alone anytime?
Just putting up with it isn't courage

Ｎｕｍｂ

The empty room is flooded with moonlight 
It's already way past midnight
Your hands are shaking
As your mask is slowly breaking 

A streak of liquid silver trails down your cheek
Even if you tried you could not speak
An icy breeze caresses your skin 
But you're numb; you can't feel a thing

Give in to the pain...

Sorrow clings to you like bad perfume
Silence echoes through the empty room
Can you hear that soft voice calling inside your head?
It's whispering things that you deeply dread

Happiness is overrated;
It has long since faded
Your eyes are open but you can't see
And your mouth is open but you can't scream 

Give in to the pain...

Warmth spills out in this sea of cold
Finally, you feel bold
Something dark and pure drips down your skin 
There's no pain; there's barely anything

The voice is now chanting
Your vision slanting
It's a deathly lullaby
Listen to it alone under this long dead sky

Give in to the pain
Let it carry you away on its soft wings
Let it surround you like soothing rain
And make you feel alive 
when everything else feels numb

To my 3rd brother~

Without a goodbye,
You have gone from my sight..

That day,
It didn't kill me,
but, something inside me are crying..

Now you're not here,
A part of me feel lost.
Searching for you,
Waiting for you to return,
But it's cannot be changed anymore..

It's all in past now.

You were a part of my life,
And it's hurt,
The absence of someone who was there once..

Can you feel me missing you?

I'd be lying,
If i told you,
Losing you was something,
I could handle..

I am constantly aware of your absence..

My love for you will never cease
You are my missing piece

My hero when i was young

Taught me about the world

Helped me when in needed

Reckless but responsible

I will let you go.
Go catch your dreams..
And i wish for your happiness...

Big brother, if i die
Please don't forget me..
Your beloved sister☆

-kina-

？？？

Darkness erodes my state of mind
And beckons me to listen
The freeway of death, the keeper of time
Has scared me to a stiffen

Looking up I can not tell
What lies beyond this world
That's how I fell
And twisted my mind in curls

Through storms I've lost
Through storms I've found
The paths I 've crossed
Are keeping me bound

Through times begun and times be gone
I never did feel undisturbed
My thoughts and minds are close to undone
Leaving my body unnerved

I'm starting to wonder what keeps me alive
Starting to ponder on why
When was the first that I took a dive
And when will I myself cry?

Ｎｕｍｂ

The empty room is flooded with moonlight
It's already way past midnight
Your hands are shaking
As your mask is slowly breaking

A streak of liquid silver trails down your cheek
Even if you tried you could not speak
An icy breeze caresses your skin
You can not feel a thing

Give in to the pain ...

Sorrow clings to you like bad perfume
Silence echoes through the empty room
Can you hear that soft voice calling inside your head?
It's whispering things that you deeply dread

Happiness is overrated;
It has long since faded
Your eyes are open but you can not see see
And your mouth is open but you can not scream

Give in to the pain ...

Warmth spills out in this sea of ​​cold
Finally, you feel bold
Something dark and pure drips down your your skin
There's no pain; there's barely anything

The voice is now chanting
Your vision slanting
It's a deathly lullaby
Listen to this alone this long dead sky

Give in to the pain
Let it carry you away on its soft wings
Let it surround you like soothing rain
And make you feel alive
When everything else feels numb

悪魔 ; DEMON

It's hard to explain those
demons inside,
the daily struggle,
the daily ride.

When will they go?
When will they end
these terrible thoughts
that they send?

They make me
hate myself.
They fill my head
with torture and doubt.

I'm tired of crying,
I'm tired of trying,
I wish I could believe
those demons were lying.

It's a constant battle
between them and me.
I just want to end it all
and be free.

明日

何をしているんだろう

僕は今こうして何を考えているんだろう

わからない

わからない

現実は確実に動いているのに

僕は今何を思っているのだろう。


目を閉じて

開いて

変わる景色


何かが変わっている

何が変わっているのだろう？


耳元で自分の脈の打つ音が聞こえる

僕は生きている

何故生きているのだろう？

何故生きなければならないのだろう？


目を閉じる

目を開ける

手首の血管が動いている


何故動いているのだろう

何故動こうとしているのだろう？


目を閉じる

過去を振り返る

目を開ける


何故部屋を染めたのだろう？

消えてしまいたいから？

生きていたいから？

生きているという事を実感したかったから？


脈の動きを見れば

耳をすませば

鏡を見れば

生きている事は明確なのに


それじゃ足りなかったのか


何が生きている実感なのか

何が生きている証明なのか


僕はわからないまま

僕はそのまま

僕は変わらないまま

今を過ごすしかできていないのではないだろうか。



喉を通る煙

辺りに広がるのは僕の中で僕という一部分を得た煙なのか？

じゃあその部屋に広がったソレは

僕の一部という事なのか？


僕は僕という存在を良く理解していないのかもしれない。


世界中で誰よりも僕が僕自身を知っているはずなのに

世界中で誰よりも僕が僕自身を理解できていないのかもしれない

そんな感覚

そんな錯覚

そんな現実


僕は誰なのか

僕は僕だ。


僕は僕でしかないのに

何を求めるのか？

僕は僕の中の僕と会話を続ける

それに意味があるかはわからないけれど



今日も僕は僕と会話を続ける。


僕が僕でいられるように。

僕が僕を認識できるように。

僕が僕という存在に消されてしまわないように。


今日の部屋は真っ白だ。

Brother's wedding

 I got anxiety attack during my brother's wedding event. I cried, heavy breathing... Feeling suffocating.. I want to die. Because i've been having this 'feelings' of being unwanted.. though i know i'm wanted by some people.. but at the time when i need someone to need me.. When i wanted to be precious to them... Here by myside... THEY'RE not here...... They left me... I feel isolated and unwanted in this cousin's group. Even worst i started to feel like this because of my classmates... They're always grouping 4 member and left me out or send me to other group as if i'n just a side chick lol.. fuck them. In the end, i have to accept the fact that i don't have anyone.. and my death are nothing. it's sad, but just that. People will move on.. My sister will be in agony, i dont care. She's part of my pain so why not vice versa and feel what i feel. hahaha! u see. i dont intend to be a good person at all.. i have grudge tho i did nothing to revenge them back. i tend to let it go. so that i can be in peace. in this world or after life. All i ever wanted was Peace. I don't want anything at all in this life. Fame,money,etc.. I just want an inner peace in me. so that i can faced the corrupted world. so that i can be much more stronger. tho i'd be rebel again why the fuck we need to keep growing strong,etc. yeah i know that is 'living'... if that is living... then, i wanna die. let me die. i will die.

 So , at the wedding. i ran upstairs. calming my anxiety. Then, i went back inside the ballroom. And i started to think.... People really don't know anything of my pain. i want all of them to know all of my pain and struggles.. But i thought, God won't let it.. It's as if God was asking me not to show it.... So i obediently follow. Then i thought... Why am i so desperate want people to know all of my pain? I'm nothing. Should i be nothing? rather than trying so hard to be something for someone to remember...?

運命と変化

出会い

別れ

運命

沢山の偶然と必然が交差する今


僕はその渦の中、自分との会話を続ける


今日という日が過ぎてゆく

僕はいつもどおりの自分なのか、いつもと変わらない自分を演じているのかがわからない。


あの日が今日かもしれない

その日が明日かもしれない

そう言えばと思った日が昨日かもしれない

昨年かもしれない

来年かもしれない

わからない

わからない

わからない



そんな時間だけが過ぎてゆく。


変わらないのは僕という存在だけ。


誰であろうと自分以外は他人なのだ。

家族だってそう。

血の繋がりがあろうとも、自分とは違う生き物という事に変わりはない。

家族、仲間、恋人

誰であとうと第三者に変わりはないのだ。



そんな中、自分は自分を見失ってはならない。

それが自分

自分の生き方が、今後の自分に反映され、道筋を決めるのだ。



僕は僕である

それだけで良い。



ただ

君達に会いたい。

寂しい。

依存。


僕は

早く歌いたい。

暮れ始める

辺りが暗くなり始める

そんな短い時間の中で僕は思い出す

あの日の事


呼吸がし辛い

そんな２月

今年に入って色々な物語が生まれ過ぎていった


生命に触れ

死に触れ

失い

何かを得て

音に触れ

MEJIBRAYが動き出す



今年僕はどうなってしまうのだろう

まだ続いていくであろうこの人生


僕は僕としてこの大地から離れないように、今はもがくしかないんだろうね。



君達が君達の道を歩んでいけますように。

僕はその心の片隅にいれたら幸せです。

僕は僕の道を歩みます。


君達を心の支えとして。


早く僕の歌を沢山聴いてもらいたいよ。



沢山の黒が蝕むこの世界に

MEJIBRAYという色が滲まないように。



沢山の黒が蝕むこの世界で

僕と君達の色が塗り潰されない事を。



後６回長針が動いた時が今日の終わり


今日をもう少しの間だけ感じていてください。



偽善的な世の中に悲しみと乾杯を。

今日も暗い空

もうこんな時間だというのに暗い空

心地よいような、今のこの世の中の現状を表しているような

そんな空



君達の上に見える空は何色かな？


僕の見えている色と君達の見えている色


きっと色というものも人によって異なって見えるんじゃないかなって。

音楽だってそうでしょ？

好きな音楽。嫌いな音楽。

人それぞれ。

今日は何色の一日かな。

きな夢