Lastly

To keep on living in this futile life is stupid.

The reason i kill myself is i'm too lazy to live.

This form of life that God created, I don't give a fuck nor care. This life that human supposed to fight in living and the after life. I dont particularly care. I don't care about anything at all. Hell or heaven. Everything that was created by God, it's all being created by God. God create everything He created for the purpose of Himself. And I'm not interested in this "God's creation". Also not bcos i'm lack of faith or anarchy. I dont care what God created and what He wanted to achieve. It's none of my business. But He created me. So, I should do what slaves are should do. If only i'm a timid slaves, I'd pray everyday, do whatever 'religious human' would do. It's not like I sell my soul to satan that I'm so lazy to do those deed. Satan are lower than human. I'm not stupid enough to be impotent than that. U see, This life are not worth living if the life are not even wanna seek life in it. Human jealous of anything and that's a great thing bcos that makes them human. To achieve what they want in life and after life. What about me? I seek nothing. I jealous nothing. My life aren't worth anything. I'm not trying to be those stupidity thoughts of the negativity. I'm saying this is what I feel with a wise mind judgement. No matter how long I live, how strong I've been, how deep wisdom I've learned, how humanity I've experienced, as long as we live, us human will never stop having questions. It's unlimited. That's what life is. Until u die. Everything are planned by God, so it's futile what humans do bcos there's boundary. The hierarchy are very different. And in that terms, I seek my existence futile. Everyday, since born. Since even before existed. I choose to be the opposite. I myself choose. By God's law to be created. I choose to end my life. Everything will sounds illogical and nonsense as if i've lost my mind. And again, I dont fucking care to explain anything, to prove anything. Hehe for what? For brainless human that think complicated things should be ignored? Waste of my time n effort to even care about human like that. This life that God created is suspicious. Beyond human's thinking, beyond what wrote in Quran. Beyond God Itself. Yet I dare not to get involve. I just want to end this life. So I wont be involve more deeper in God's creation. I'd rather stayed in hell than those 'beautiful' heaven that God created. I am created to be suffer in anguish and despair. Without it I see no purpose of my existence. I am nothing without deep despair. And that is my nonsense believer. I've lost too far, I will lost farther if I live. Let me die. I will kill myself. I have to. If I live, I will forever be an empty soul. All I ever wanted to is to be free. Not free from pain or hell. But free from being existed by God's creation. Such a futile wish. 

Help Muslim crises

Free Muslims from Concentration Camps in China

Donate:

https://www.saveuighur.org

https://onenationuk.org/projects/help-the-uyghur

https://uwt.org/emergency-appeals/uighur-muslim-refugee-appeal/

Petitions:

http://chng.it/drFPSJj7kK

http://chng.it/hpwrqLhYJN

https://www.amnesty.org/en/get-involved/take-action/tell-china-to-close-its-secret-reeducation-camps-for-ethnic-minorities/

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/condemn-chinas-concentration-camps-and-prevent-21st-century-holocaust-east-turkistan-0

http://chng.it/HjmdhzZJf5

for info:

https://www.cnn.com/2020/06/19/asia/xinjiang-explainer-intl-hnk-scli/index.html

https://www.fairplanet.org/story/petition-stand-up-for-uyghur-muslims-in-china/

https://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/opinion/china-holds-million-uighur-muslims-concentration-camps-180912105738481.html

Aid Muslims in Kashmir

Donate:

https://hhrd.org/new/kashmir

https://www.crisisaid.org.uk/appeals/kashmir/

https://onenationuk.org/projects/india-appeal/jammu-kashmir-appeal-2020

Petitions:

http://chng.it/kZ8Fkc4cY2

http://chng.it/VzNvz6SyVY

http://chng.it/DyCF4NtLvD

http://chng.it/BRmXn7qLcP

http://chng.it/4mbBwfs6X6

http://chng.it/8qyV6Hv2Ds

http://chng.it/Sp8QV5H5nH

http://chng.it/VKJs5pbqpd

http://chng.it/2DSbWXLCW5

for info:

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/2019/03/kashmir-conflict-how-did-it-start/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2019/08/05/india-revoked-kashmirs-special-status-heres-what-you-need-know-about-contested-province/

https://time.com/5832256/kashmir-lockdown-coronavirus/

Save Yemen

Donate:

FREE - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ixwshn_Ix-g

https://www.unicef.org/emergencies/yemen-crisis

https://www.savethechildren.org/us/what-we-do/where-we-work/greater-middle-east-eurasia/yemen

https://www.rescue.org/country/yemen

https://irusa.org/middle-east/yemen/

https://baitulmaal.org/yemen-crisis/

Petitions:

http://chng.it/CRTXvnQhwR

http://chng.it/qQ6RqKntb4

http://chng.it/PwTPS4KNGh

https://www.amnesty.org/en/get-involved/take-action/yemen-stop-weapons-transfers/

https://marchonpentagon.com/yemen-petition/

https://actionnetwork.org/petitions/stop-fueling-the-war-on-yemen?source=direct_link&referrer=group-wage-peace-wbw-on-saudi-exports

https://sign.moveon.org/petitions/hou...

http://chng.it/NDSxZmgr2d

http://chng.it/PNzTDZHbDH

https://www.thepetitionsite.com/en-gb…

https://donate.unicefusa.org/page/s/yemen?utm_campaign=20200626_Brand&utm_medium=PaidSocial&utm_source=FacebookUnicefusa&utm_content=LearnMore&ms=PaidSocial_DIG_2020_Brand_20200626_FacebookUnicefusa_LearnMore_cri_none&initialms=PaidSocial_DIG_2020_Brand_20200626_FacebookUnicefusa_LearnMore_cri_none

for info:

https://www.rescue.org/country/yemen

https://www.hrw.org/world-report/2019/country-chapters/yemen#

https://www.cfr.org/backgrounder/yemen-crisis

I dont know which one msg is my last goodbye.

From now on, i wont be scared.

I wont be scared to God.

I'll kill myself. I'm aware of that now.

This world are the one who's keep pressuring me to heal n find 'happiness'.

In the 1st place i was fine. Even if i'm depressed. I was fine. I mean it. Not the fake fine. But bcos people starting to care n think i should get fixed, find solution n get help. Haha.

That's what putting me under this extreme pressure.

I see. I was fine.. Till now. I was happy despite depression n self hatred. But people find it's wrong n not normal.

Well, i'm going to kill myself then.

At least the reason is not bcos i wanna die bcos of my mental illness problem, my family nor myself. But bcos of people who care bout me but leads me into the 'right path' but wrong way for me. Those people are not included, my sis n yana. Others are. Especially my psychiatric doctor n therapy doctor. All those doctors who judged me since my 1st time went to HKL for suture my wrist cut. Every one of them. I see. 

There is nothing wrong with me.

As long as there's God, family n friends, despite all the hardship n attempts. I was fine. I can handle such pressure. That's why I'm still alive until now. 

But now, I'll never be fine anymore.

Goodbye.

Doctors i met in my life

I dont understand doctors

I selfharm

They judge me n offer therapy

I met psychiatric n therapy doc

Psychiatric keeps judging n treat me with medicine

Therapy dr keep asking same question n evaluate me by my responde answer

Both is nothing but a toxic, they hurt me. Their judgement to find a solution seems dull.

In the end, i always change doctor.

Now, i thought i found a connection with this doctor.

But after i skip 6 month of therapy n seems to offended her.

She judged me n said, why am i coming back?

I dont understand

She said, why i wanna improve my mental illness when i still like to self sabotage?

I dont understand

I already told her, if i can get improve, i'll try to get improve. Why does she think i have normal brain? I was very shocked, offended, clueless,overthinking..

I understand, if u wanna improve 1st thing is to avoid self toxic..

By why she's expecting so much from me as if i'm normal?

My brain works like that. There's a lots of effort in surviving in a day.. n sometimes i fall.. and she gotta said i have to avoid it? Using therapy methods? If it's was so easy, i wont even have a fucking depression. I wont be seeing a therapy. I'm getting fed up with this 'right methods' to do.. If it's arent right for or makes me improve, then it aint right for me. 

I understand the right way is the good for me. It works for other people. But not me. I myself decide my actions. Not therapy methods. I have rebellious actions, i dont like being told to do this n that. But then again, what do u expect from therapy right? But then again. That's the doctor problem. To help me figure out the solution together, what works for me, what not. So, bij, why are u being toxic so suddenly. It turns me off to open up to u. In the end, all doctor are just doing their jobs. And that kind of behavior makes me created a new persona specially for a bij like u. That's all i can say now. Now, i went to therapy. I'll see as a school. Something to learn. Not someting to make breathing in living.. Just a school life. If u know me, I HATE SCHOOL. Reminded the past me. The doll me. And i'll turn into that doll. To satisfy surrounding. Suffocating n living my life. Where people think it's good for me haha.. in future it will only damaged me more. 

That's why i dont understand. 

I dont even understand myself

And doctor is just making me confusing bout myself more..

Just like school, 'good for u'. Look at me now.

Therapy is 'good for me'. Look at me in future.

In the end. Pain is the greatest lessons. 

I see. I see. I see.

I'm getting worse, i dont think i can be a doll but i'll try my best! And proceed my last attempt suicide plan💪

Time is ticking. So does my life.

How will I survive tomorrow?

And the day after?

What about the day after that?

Is this how I must live?

For the rest of my life?

What must I do

To stop feeling these emotions?

Why does no one understand?

Why? Why? Why

I tried to scream,

But I once screamed and they thought I'm weak

I once hold their hands, 

And life never went easy

I don't deserve them

If they knew what they said will go straight into my head, will they even care?

I had a dream

Of attempted suicide many times.

And every each of the dream,

I didn't die. I can't die. But I want to die.

Don't wanna lie,

This life is all about God

Not me, not you.

We're hopelessly blinded by God

Bcos that's how God created us, human

I want to die in God's hand if possible

But this pain and darkness keep eating me wholly

If I knew that I'd suffer, 

Will I ask God to create me?

If I can't make it,

Will God toss me to hell

And blamed me, 

It's my fault for being like this?

My feelings update

I always thought that no matter what, no matter how painful, suffer, grief I had n will experience in future... I will always thought. It's fine. I will somehow survive again and again until I rot. There's a greater pain, more torturing pain out there. So, I'm fine just the way I am now.

I always reminded myself again n again.

Today I forgot.  Again.

I ask myself, why do i have to live?

Why do i need to remain loyal to god when in then end i will still go to hell? I dont care about the hell. The problem is now. 

If i kill myself, i'd go to hell.

If i live n die by His hand, i'll still go to hell bcos of my ego which wont repent.

The punishment fears me more. God's power fierce me. I'm powerless, a mere slaves. His slave. An ignorant and disobeying His order. So what's the point? Why I havent kill myself?

Because i'm not brave enough to kill myself, again n again. I believe in hell n pain. The painful afterlife which cant be changed once i'm dead. The forever pain. Trapped n suffering. Is that all for me in this existence? I as a human creation, makes me think i should repent. I should be slave. That's how simple Islam is. Yet still difficult for me. My ego is so big n annoying me to the point 'ah death can stop this stupid personality i have. My stubbornness. Why not just end it. At least i can stop hurting God" it's full of bullshit thinking right? I guess so. though, when i had lived this suffering mind together, everyday struggling. I just thought, why not. At least it 'end' for awhile. For now. A choice to choose. A decision.

And again. Just like as I planned since the 1st time i existed in this world.

Everything is according to the plan.

Now I'm just waiting.

Following my plan. 

It's just, I forgot since I always reset my life everyday.. 

*sigh

Darkness, heart bruising

If you look at the day when my tears fell

(It hurts)

Will you go away? Will I go away from you?

Will u stay by my side as I fall and cried insanely

Doubting my own sanity everyday

Controlling and being controlled by darkness

Can u be the light?

Do u think u can reach ur hand to me?

Can u hold tightly a broken glass?

Will u not bleed?

Will u also leave me and me alone suffering?

(It hurts)

It challenged my sanity 

My sanity

Again & again

How long will I be able to hold it

With a smile..🙂

Until I've lost my sanity.

Alas, I've lost my sanity. My believes.

So, what's holding me back?

It's 'the time.'

It's not 'the time' yet.

Everything should be according to the plan.

I'm just a mere human.

This grieve that I've moarn everyday,
An unexplainable emotions through words
This constantly failed at living and keep living forward
Is just sad for my heart
There's no choice but to keep living
To learn, to improve, the cycle of life
And sometimes, I failed to tolerate with it
And I'd just moarn in despair again..
I cried, just so I can survive this night..
Faced a new tomorrow,
A new pain, a new lesson to learn
Ahh~ a human cycle..
How I despise and loathe to death
Death is much more beautiful than life
But I'm just a human
As a human, I should live
Because that's what human do
That's what God created
Everything is just about God
And I'm just a nobody..
Not a protagonist,
God is the protagonist..
I'm mere nothing
Nothing to myself
Just a slave to God
But nothing to myself
A mere insolent human.
And that is me..

Family is just a family

"blood is thicker than water" is *bullshit myth*

Of course family is important but not everyone got a happy family.. close friends can be family too. While family can be strangers..🤷‍♀️
So, dont said i forgot what? My backbones, my roots,etc.. In fact since young i take family as serious matter but then.. nothing much.. better survive alone where that's what i've been doing.. and in the last of 2,3 years ago, i believed that family is important n i cant survive without them. Yup, i do believed it.

But the latest now, which is literally now in this moment. Family is just family. Nothing deep. I thought too much in this "deep bonding." As if it's some kind of privilege.. but it's not.. just a curse, for an unfortunate family. And i dont care anymore now lmao. That's why, 'stuck in past, move on'.. i already move on. But it's bcos of my family who's the one stuck in past n seek this 'happiness bond' makes me see them stuck in the past.. cuz they used to have a happy family n then family got broken n they tried to create a new happy family in their own version. And when they achieve their own version happiness. They started to be very noisy.. Which is to do the 'right' thing which is trying to be more bonding n disturb my peace.. lolz i dont mind but if it's disturbing my peace. (My fucking peace after being a fucking robot to live follow the cycle of fucking life...) I'd burn their family alive.. 😊🔥 Those who said they're once suffered childish depressed shits... pfft i'll show them the fucking real adult world of depression🌈
But yeah my right thinker said, better not be that way.. 🤷‍♀️ and i was like, sureeee~ if they dont cross the boundary.. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
Cuz for me, i mean my mean side, "as long as they have a weakness, it's easy to triggered them n let em suffer in depression world"😈
But again, my right mind reminded me that my purpose is to die not being mean or be a revengeful person. 🤷‍♀️
"K"😒
but still, " as long as they dont cross the boundary.." 😈😈🔪
Also, isn't it nice if my family kill me oneday?🥰
As long as i'm dead... 🤷‍♀️
I hope they'll know how to stab accurately in most major vital place at body.. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️😊

Kina

Even if this life is gone, the sun will rise
I was fooling myself through lies as if I was somebody else
At that moment, I become aware of my heart
I was living suppressing myself
Wasn't so that I could live smoothly
Oh spring, between dreams and reality
It would be good to have not been born
There was nothing, there was nothing
Not in good or evil, not even happiness
There's no salvation in a life with nothing at all worth waiting for
People die alone without an answer
Even if I engrave the meaning of living in my wrist
I know it's an empty flower
It's scattered brilliantly
So I can't live, So I can't live
The flowers bud of failed attempts
Make it bloom

Today too my consciousness is fading away
Digging into the scars that I had forgotten
Cooled down emotions twisted the truth, bending the future
Just a life repetition
Before long turning insane
I don't need kindness
The wounds that can't be healed
We who don't know what happiness are sick, sick, sick and insane
I'm sure heaven is a good place, everyone knows
There's a place of atonement known as hell in earth
I'm ready for death
Why not, why not

The moment the present passes
With the wounds that I can't hide, a wide smile appears
The door I locked in order to live
Shed it's rust
Starving to understand
Gazing at the future
The reality I accept makes even my dreams and everything rust
Solution and tomorrow, that's rubbish
I shall drown in the tears I held back and fall asleep
Making me hide myself

I tried to live but
there was nothing left for me
Goodbye
for me, this life feels just completely empty
With the way things are now, I hold my breath to fall asleep on this spring day
Darkness is my light
I die everyday
I'll hide in my room with another bruises
Nobody would know how scary the mask I wear
Why do they looked at me with a closed minded way
Everyone go away, Everyone go away
Sympathetic looks, go away
I feel good if I die young
I can't live as people do

If you cry for me
There won't be any regrets in this world
There's no meaning of living if it's just struggle
Destined to learn, work and die
It's fine, I'd just gracefully give up

遺書 ( The Will)

Suicide note

Misfortune of the highest grade, the death game

A puny life gauge with no hope to recover

Why did God hurt the life of the innocents

Can you tell me the reason, or was it a fate?

The sun has set, igniting fireworks waiting for insanity on the night

without knowing that the embers would vanish in blood

On that day, my memories and tears..

I prayed for God to kill me

living, dying or even going to hell - anything is fine

Cruelty loving irresponsible

At least give me an ease feelings to live as an empty shells

With the way things are now,

I hold my breath to fall asleep

At the end of the year

There's nothing more left

Even pain can't stop me from hurting myself

A hope of death is fulfilling me in a certain way

Even if I look at the sky

There's nothing

I don't want to hurt you more than this

Don't wake me up

Leave me be

I'm sorry

Forgive me

Q & A

Since i'm bored, i'll find random Q & A myself..😂

What should they teach in school, but don’t?

- Sex pregnant prevent education? These days people jusy do sex.. so yeah.. just prevent.. Or maybe teach something useful for future, work lifestyle.. some teach arent even related n futile.. boring..

Btw i hate school

Is it okay to sacrifice one life to save ten?

-Ah, i'm sorry. I'm the kind of person who would sacrifice 1 for greater purpose. Also I'd rather sacrifice myself so there wont be any issues lolz

How useful would you be in a zombie apocalypse?

-Despite wanting to die. I'd actually prefer to survive until i really die.. cuz i'm curious lolz. Also i'm actually survival person and hardcore type. I'd be swing a bat to blow off the head.. but logically i'm weak physically.. so guns is nice too lolz.. 

What are two things you know you should how to do but don’t?

-I should be independent but i choose to be codependent.. haha.. manipulating is inevitable though i can survive the world.. also maybe i cant survive the world since i wanna die, why even bother to survive.. 

-2ndly, I should study more and gain more knowledge that i'm not interested to just balance my wisdom but i'm bad at it. I'm only interested in human studies.

What is something you’ve done that you wish you could undo?

-I wish i could go back to time when before we were born, existed n asking God to create us as a human. I'd rather not be existed or be any significant to God.. 

What do most people think about you that is absolutely not true?

-Ah~ so many things. Since i'm a born manipulator. I had manipulate my surrounding so much. Everything I act is based on the image i wanted to create in front of them. And depression is just an obscure of hiding my real self. But my real self is not that extreme valueable mystery.. i'm just nothing.. No demons, something big nor monster behind this vague self identity.. Just something small an undentify real self. Better to not exist is the best thing. 

Simply saying. I may seems hate this world n wanna die, deep thinker, deep person, etc. It's false. I'm just not showing my real self. I'm just showing that i'm capable in someway to just manipulate. That's all.

What is something that can’t be taught and can only be learned with age?

Perspective. A perspectivehen that can created an ideal when u're adolescent, child, teenagers, young adult, adult, old adult, old man which can taught u to processing and select which one is ur voices, ur opinions... 

If you could live your life again knowing what you do now, what would you change?

Instead of drowning in pool at 5y.o or cutting wrist at 18y.o.. I'd rather just jump from building when I was 5. When I grew old. This thoughts is balance and my sanity is sane that everything i want to do is distorted with logical and consequences. I'd rather die when young.. not at this difficult age of life..

If you could be born again and choose what nationality, gender, and race to be, what would you choose?

-I wanna be a mix Malaysian n Japanese pls.. mixed blood with a murderer's bloods is interesting.. lolz. 

How much do you judge a person by their appearance?

-Appearance is important but not that important to me. Cuz i have the ability to understand through looks, so through appearance I can see what kind that person is attitude, facial, movements, fashion, their skins, nails, voices, their mind decision,etc but human is still complicated specimens so.. maybe some general opinion. But most important is that appearance 'kind' or 'bad but acceptable' or just 'bad'... 

So yeah i judge appearance. 

But the problem is if i already study that person n know their soul's color n fine with it. No matter how dirty or ugly or beauty but arrogant bitchy u are, i'm fine with it if our chemistry is nice. Girl or boy.. 

What belief do you have that most people disagree with?

-No offence but. I believe there'd be something more after hell n heaven. Maybe reincarnation or not(i dont care which one) but i believe if God wanna something more n He will create something more... if not, then GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE... But yeah we dont know that.. 🤷‍♀️ in then it all depends on God.. i just hope there's nothing moreee ugh... 

Who or what inspires you to be a better person?

-Broken souls are the most valuable lessons to learn. Of course some love to balance.

What makes a person truly evil? Are they born that way or did their environment make them that way?

-Both. U, urselves choose which one to be. 

If science makes it possible to predict which people will be more likely to commit crimes, should the highest risk individuals be jailed or killed before they can commit crimes?

-Kill. As long as they live their 'ideal' thoughts it will last forever in their head. 

If u wanna talk about humanity then just fucking ignore n let the world functioning normally. 

Why are there so many people who are lonely? Why is it so hard for people to make real connections when almost everyone wants to make real connections?

-Is it a sin to be alone n feel lonely?

Affection is necessary but with boundary. 

Logically speaking, it's cuz they're just shy to connected or clueless. Or dont know where to start n go where to maintain the relationship. It depend on the individuals, whether to be friendly or just wait for someone to come into their life... yeah wait until u rot... every connections need mutual efforts, communication and a chemistry.. that's all i can say.. the most basic to start connections. We're not alone, we choose to be alone n hurting ourselves. It's also fine to not have deep connections. Just slow step is fine too. Everything is fine. More to learn n improve. To be a better person.

What are the most common road blocks that stop people from achieving their dreams?

-REALITY my dudes.... 💁💁💁

Also effort is necessary, never give up n keep grow,knowledge, support and a damn luck..

 

Last question...

What keeps you up at night?

-Urgh.... give me an easy question....

-Insomnia~

-Also maybe bcos i dont wanna live, why not sleep for 2 days n then i can sleep for 2 days straight n time will passed by quickly~~

-Unstable sleeps, fatigue,etc also bad for health. What a nice way to die quickly n quietly~ no one would notice.

ISHTAR

I cannot get it out of my head
I cannot get it out of my head

An uresolvable dilemma
as the outline of the moon is waning
I stubbornly refuse the decision,
resisting in an unsightly manner
Ishtar charms and utilizes her slave
drowning in carnal desired as the twilight is sinking in
crawling on the ground I looked up at the sky
there’s no reaching an end of the piercing drops of sin

She whispered I know you love me you belong to me
She whispered I know you love me you belong to me
She whispered I know you love me you belong to me
She whispered I know you love I know
The time is out of joint

the moonlight is saturated with sorrow
it illuminates as if it’s insulting me
I surrender myself to the piled up end of pleasure
with a miserable melody occasionally reverberating
day after day I reminisce, remembrance of things past

cutting the red tube, a femoral wound
Thou shalt not kill
the meaning of living, the obstructed breathing
fake pessimist,
Shut out freak out
a drawn blade was slashed by a blade of words
while being in constant shame
Be contrite about

Whatever may happen it is no concern of mine
The time is out of joint

What is the meaning of my existence
I want to die
What is the meaning of my existence
I want to disappear
Don't make me confused
Stop stop teasing me

re: it’s an uncertain answer
liar, you’re full of deception
the reckless behaviour of sad feelings
sending one jonquil
re: it’s an uncertain answer
liar, you’re full of deception
the reckless behaviour of sad feelings

Time without end
Time without end

What is done cannot be undone
To be or not to be that is question

Remember the days
Everytime fake smile
Everytime fake love
Remember the days
Everytime fake smile
Everytime fake love
Bleary eyes yearn

I cannot get it out of my head
I cannot get it out of my head

Ishtar charms and utilizes her slave
drowning in carnal desired as the twilight is sinking in
crawling on the ground I looked up at the sky
there’s no reaching an end of the piercing drops of sin

deeply, deeply, deeply sinking
never again rising to the surface
reflecting in the vacant eyes
is a brittle, weak thread tied down by mending
continuing to fulfill within the constructed scenery

holding my breath, I just stood still
as the impurity that started overflowing dyed the transparent water tank a colour of deep crimson
I was drawn to the fascinating aroma inviting me in
from the divine messenger that swam in an enticing manner

Everything comes at a price.
By offering this sacrifice I'll continue to live on without ever rotting.
I'll keep waiting for the day you finally come to me.

respecting the pure-bred animal
I yearn to be the same
without it being understood, it’s「a sincere love」
my frustration intensifies, without me making mistakes

when the flower buds open up again
the everlasting oath is concluded
and with hideous yet beautiful eyes, vacantly
I’ll nip off the pure white flower buds with a self-righteous caress

dizzy, in an illusion of repose
my freedom is tamed and I’m unable to change

Hideous yet beautiful
fresh blood drips in the scared night
as my corrupted soul merely wanders about
God's not with me.

"You decided I'm a freak based solely on a moral standpoint
But even if you hurt me, if the world rejects, loathes or mocks me, no matter how much you torment me, I know I did no wrong."

The future in which the cooled off feelings distort the reality is
WILD WITH GRIEF
Digging up the scar that I had started forgetting
Yeah, it’s just a life of repetition
before long it will make me insane
even your smile that I loved
will leave behind scars that won’t disappear

If I crush these eyes
Will I have a destiny in which my tears don’t flow?
Those wonderful days are defiled by these blurry tears
With this reverberating poem

[co-extinction] I repeat it without growing tired of it [abolition]
pressing my lips together [declination] misleading the loneliness [co-extinction]
repeating the outcome [abolition] at the end of despair… [declination]

『well anyway, it’s a world that was born in tears 』

I don’t need kindness
or even this poem that you loved
Should I not have come across
this scar that can’t be healed?
under this sky, we…
Ah -

If both my arm were cut off
I wouldn’t even ask for the warmth of someone else
I named the remainder of the wound from a beautiful mistake after you

If I lost this voice of mine
I wouldn’t have these scars singing of love
don’t cry for these beautiful days

Please keep going without killing me,
I want to live within you

十五

it’s the misfortune of the highest grade, the death game

in which a small and weak life gauge can’t be recovered

can you tell me the reason for why

God robbed that child of their life, or is that what they call fate?

the sun has set, we ignite fireworks waiting for insanity in the summer night

without knowing that the embers would vanish in blood, you… on that day, my memories and tears…

I prayed to God; kill me instead of her

living, dying or even going to hell - anything is fine

can you teach me what the value is in praying to God?

an irresponsible God that loves us with cruelty

at least, will that child give the world a feeling of being at ease?

if you are there, answer me, right now

Irritating rain

Why, why,
there’s no point in stopping here
why, why,
facing forwards I’m walking backwards

the rain that started is in a vague state
quietly coming down into the town
with such weakness that I
don’t know whether I’ll get wet or not

if it’s going to rain
it should just rain more
because this is frustrating
I don’t say anything,
but I really want to say that
I hate it, I hate it,
just shut up

I’m living, it’s just that
occasionally I’m making a face that makes me look like I’m dead
in my chest is always
this gloomy feeling that won’t clear up

the rain that started is
in a vague state
slowly soaking into my body
just half-way
the temperature made me feel uncomfortable

if it’s sad
my tears don’t flow
if it’s fun
I don’t laugh anymore
what I really wanted to become, this isn’t it
I did nothing but run away… where is this place?

if it’s going to rain
it should just rain more
because this is frustrating
I don’t say anything,
but I really want to say that
I hate it, I hate it,
just shut up

in this town, where the rain drizzles,
in this town, where I live,
what should I do tomorrow?
if it rained more,
if I cried strongly,
even if I’m hurt, even if I’m hurt
would it be fine?

Pomegranate

My voice screamed out your name

Even if it surely won't reach you my voice

But even so, I'm fine now

One day in my heart you will be...

I'll dream tonight too, dreams of you

Because of your letter that I put under my pillow

My dreams are too cruel, my breath hitches

As always, I wake in pain around 4 in the morning

Time is too long

Time is too painful

The dreams don't stop

My love is frozen, dead

On cold nights

like in this long night

My consciousness is torn apart

becoming small pieces

my memories scattering

I grasp your ring so tightly that

my tears soaking the pillow

Like I can't hear, I blocked my ears

to your voice

One more scar

added to my wrist

Melting into the wound you

I am broken the letter burnt reduced to ashes

I am broken my heart broken reduced to ashes

I am broken I lost you I love you.

Can I?

Drinking a tomato juice while walking

Accidentally spilled this damn juice

Oh, I saw a bright red color

Blood rushing in

Hey, can I 

Can I

Can I

Wrist cut now?

Hey, can I 

Can I

Can I

Wrist cut now?

I've been a good girl for long

I wanna be a bad girl now

In this corrupted world and soul

What do we seek of

Lost in crowded streets 

What is our purpose

Hey, can I 

Can I

Can I

Wrist cut now?

Hey, can I 

Can I

Can I

Wrist cut now?

No thank you, no thank you

Someday I will cut my wrist beautifully

DIE

DIE

DIE

Roar

Am I getting closer to the ideals within a tomorrow I am not aware of?

I pretended I am not aware of common sense

The screams of yesterday can be heard

A single drop fell inside the small world

Still, the meaning won’t become clear

Even so, I paint the true feeling in lukewarm crimson

Yeah, I do…

On the chest of beloved you I announce the farewell 「words」

Shutting towards I am feeling the gentle wind

Changing into the color of you

The screams of yesterday can be heard

A single drop fell inside the small world

Still, the meaning won’t become clear

Even so, I draw the true feeling in lukewarm crimson

Yeah, I do…

The feelings concealed in the innermost depths of my heart

Throb with a gentle smile